secretive husband

[fernified01]

I have been married for almost a year now and I found out a couple of months back that dh had been posting adverts on dating sites before we married. Im finding it hard to get over the trust issue.

Anyway, I am currently on maternity leave (dh lost his job just before our son was born) and providing for our family from smp. Dh had been secretive about his bank account (he asked for money for xmas presents so I gave him some). I know I shouldn't have but being my husband and all I took it in my best interest to see why he was being secretive. He's been paying a credit company for the past year! He swore that he has always been honest with me and I just don't know what to do.

Ove always been honest about money etc and thought he was too. I love the guy and I have no doubt that he loves me, but i am incredibly angry that he used money to pay off old debts from before he met me that I never knew about!! Shoild I talk to him? I will have to explain that I went down his phone.

X

[Iflyaway]

Oh dear. What a mess.

For a start stop subsidising him, you have a child now who takes precedence over a lying irresponsible adult.

What are the debts for? Unless he comes clean with you, I, m afraid your life with him will just be more of the same.

Who cares how you found out about it? It, s your and your child, s life that is at stake here.
He can hardly accuse you of being deceptive. You just needed to do the detective work!

[Iflyaway]

Was he posting these adverts on dating sites while in a relationship with you?
I know what I, d be doing and it wouldn, t be about staying in married bliss with him.

As a single mum I can tell you it, s more blissfull and peaceful than any of that crap, always second-guessing and wondering, being suspicious of everything....

So sorry you, re going through this.

[alongcamespiders]

As a single mum I can tell you it, s more blissfull and peaceful than any of that crap, always second-guessing and wondering, being suspicious of everything....
This is exactly where I am now, after a lifetime of living with liars, from my dad onwards.
There is little more soul destroying than a relationship based on eroded trust.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He isn't secretive, he's just a common-or-garden duplicitous liar. And one who'd been actively trying to find other women to "date" while he was supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Taking your SMP to pay towards debts he never told you about while pretending it was for something else is dishonesty of the lowest order. I'd kick him into touch without thinking twice about it.

Where's there's no trust there is no relationship. Well, not one worth having, that's for sure. I wonder what else he's lied to you about?

[movingtoourwillow]

Get yourself out of there - I'm hoping you posted because you need to hear the truth?

[dowagerinacab]

Yes, you should talk to him.

Looking through his phone is not worse than him lying to you about debt. He'll destroy your credit rating and affect the future of your little family. Don't let him turn it into you being "bad" because you discovered his lies.

If he's incompetent with money, you can still have a relationship, but it can't be one where he has access to the family purse strings. There are ways round these things, but you need to be on the same page - where he acknowledges his flaws and lets you work around them. If he's just gonna steal and lie and manipulate, there's no salvaging it.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

You say you love him and have no doubt that he loves you. Yet he has at least attempted to cheat on you (if not actually done so?), and lied to you about finances. And possibly taken money from you whilst lying about what it was going towards. Lied to you, his wife, so your finances are joint. That's not how I treat people that I love. Would you do those things to him?

Also, rather than it being natural that you would openly discuss your concerns with your husband, you're asking random strangers on the internet whether you should talk to him about your worries or not? It all just does not add up to a healthy relationship. What was the upshot of you finding out that he was on dating sites? How has he reacted to you knowing this?

I'm really sorry that you're in this position. I think you're going to get a pretty much unanimous LTB from MN though from what you've posted so far.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Please confront him with this information and have the courage of your convictions. If you are newly married and have just had a baby I don't think you're going to be taking up any suggestions to LTB right now. You may feel differently a few months down the track but I don't think you're there yet. However, you MUST be strong and deal with him assertively. It was not wrong to check out his bank in the circumstances. His behaviour means you can't trust him and if you don't make it clear that he has now had two strikes... with a third strike meaning he packs and leaves.... then you will lose all credibility and he'll think he can carry on regardless.

It is 100% his responsibility to regain your trust. Force him to take that seriously.

[Anonnynonny]

"He isn't secretive, he's just a common-or-garden duplicitous liar"

Spot on.

Have you heard of gaslighting?

That's what kevincan70's post is - a technique to get you to doubt your own perceptions and reality and to push the problem onto you rather than the person who is lying, deceiving and dissembling. It's useful that he posted that as if your DH tries that, you'll recognise it for the bullshit it is. It is a form of domestic abuse and it is absolutely debilitating to live with.

I don't know if your DH has got to that stage yet, but the fact that he is seeking to be unfaithful to you and has been dishonest about money, are huge red flags and mean that you need to re-assess your image and feelings about this bloke. I suspect that someone who is capable of treating a partner like this, either doesn't love you as much as you think, or does but actually so what, he's incapable of functioning as a partner because he doesn't know how to do that - he doesn't really believe that trust and honesty is a necessary component of a healthy relationship, when everyone rational knows it's actually the building block. Without it, a relationship is built on sand and if I were you, I'd be psychologically preparing to acknowledge that your relationship isn't what you thought it was and that it may have to end.

[Isetan]

The introduction is late but the man you love and the man who lies to you, are the same person. You need to take urgent steps to protect you and your child from this man because what you know, probably isn't all there is to know.

Talking to him is the minimum you should be doing.