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getting over the fear of being single forever

(108 Posts)
dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 20:04:34

I came out of a 12 year relationship in April 2013. Since then I had two disastrous 3 month relationships with men I met online.

I've decided to work on myself and build a brilliant active social life. I'm having counselling. I've entered a 5k run. But at the back of my mind I'm frightened that at 34, with 3 dc, maybe I'll never meet anyone again. I'm not actively looking right now, but I worry that when I'm ready - I'll never find them. I know some people are happy alone, but I won't be long term. I think getting rejected twice has made me feel like a reject that no man could ever love sad

Varya Thu 27-Nov-14 20:11:22

bump and good luck to you.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Thu 27-Nov-14 20:13:23

I don't think anyone can truly know if they are/would be 'happy alone' unless they've had a really good go at actually being alone, not recovering from a breakup, and not actively pursuing the next relationship.

It sounds like you have the right approach though. Live your life for yourself (&your dc, of course), and for now. Noone knows what's around the corner, whether that's meeting a 'soulmate' or the apocalypse. Give yourself time to recover from everything, and be kind to yourself flowerssmile

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Thu 27-Nov-14 20:14:58

Oh! just recognised you from the dating thread last year! waves

I'm single again too. But better single than in the wrong relationship, for sure.

holdyourown Thu 27-Nov-14 20:15:29

Obviously that's not true because you have been in a 12 year relationship. Maybe OD is not for you just yet, or at all. Doesn't mean you won't meet someone elsewhere, when the time is right. Statistically you are likely to. You sound like you're doing great with your social life and run, just keep going and get to a point where you can see your own assets and love yourself more. good luck flowers

Bluebelle38 Thu 27-Nov-14 20:16:40

The likelihood of you never having another relationship is very slim.

You never took time to heal and seemed to just look for a replacement for your ex.

It takes time to meet a decent partner. I met mine at 41!!

You really need to learn to be happy on your own or else you are going to fall into relationships with any man that shows you a bit of attention and this has already been disastrous.

Needing a partner to complete you is a recipe for disaster.

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 20:17:48

Thank you and wave to oneday. I hope so. I'm impatient and part of me wants to date again, but I know I'm not ready and it'd be a disaster if I rushed things. I just feel a bit scarred by recent events...

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Thu 27-Nov-14 20:34:31

I think one thing that I've come to realise about myself being single, is that there have been times where I've said that I was working on myself/doing loads of hobbies/not looking for a relationship right now, but in retrospect I was actually still really bitter about previous breakups and secretly desperate for the next relationship - which of course in my head would be 'the one'. I was kidding myself. It's taken a lot of time and some serious distractions (or possible wake up calls?) in the form of disastrous in-the-meantime relationships to get to the point where I am starting to, really, properly feel happy in myself being single.

Hows the counselling going?

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 20:43:06

The counselling is very painful at the moment. I feel angry and tearful. But like I'm making progress.

I'm just kidding myself too. I don't want to be single. But I know I have to heal. I don't want another awful relationship.

thisissohard Thu 27-Nov-14 20:45:31

Focusing on yourself and your children sounds like a plan. Lots of sound advice has already been given. I'm just out of a long term relationship, but we're still under the same roof (amicable split. 2 children together but just not compatible as partners anymore). I must admit, I worry about being on my own forever, but then you never know what is round the corner. I have an amazing set of friends, work, a reasonably busy social life (weirdly though, I like Saturday nights in and a good film to watch). I don't need a man to "complete me", but it would be nice to have someone to share things with. The boys are 4 and 2, so still very young, and I'm 38. I love that I had my ex as a partner for 8 years and we have children together, but realise now that we were probably never compatible! The temptation is to rush headlong into a relationship with someone, but I won't. Don'tcallme- carry on doing what you are doing. You sound like you are doing so well. I might start running myself. I bet it is extremely cathartic and has the added bonus of toning up! Take care x

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 20:50:09

Thank you thisissohard, the running will be cathartic I think. I used to do 5:2, but I can't fast now as it plays havoc with my mood and I started gaining weight. So running will help mentally and physically. I want to be at the stage where I'm happy and not needy, if he does come along.

My last ex promised me the world and didn't deliver.

thisissohard Thu 27-Nov-14 21:12:37

Dont- I know how you feel. All previous relationships have involved me being clingy. I think it comes down to the fact that when I was younger, I never felt good enough and so was flattered when any man showed me any attention. Thing is, to friends and colleagues, I come across as being supremely confident. I can have a laugh with people and am pretty good company. However, when I'm in a relationship, I revert to being that needy person who is worried sick that the relationship will end. Ridiculous really, but that's what I'm like. I did wonder if I should ever be in a relationship... I'm actually looking forward to all the Christmas festivities, though it is tinged with sadness. As we haven't announced it to family yet, we're still a couple on the outside. However, inside, I know that we're through and I'm starting to look forward to the future. Running in the new year I think (I can't fast either as it effects my mood plus I am a grazer, so need small meals and often). Dont- let's keep this thread going and we can be mutual sounding boards and motivators when we feel a bit down about things x

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 21:19:27

That's a good idea thisissohard, I think we can support each other. Christmas can be v hard when you're single. I was invited to have Christmas with my last ex before he ended it, so I feel a bit bruised.

avocadogreen Thu 27-Nov-14 21:48:26

Hey there, I am in a similar situation <waves> Split up from exH in March this year, I am 35 with 2 DC. I ended up getting involved with the first person I met online dating, it lasted 5 months and then he ended it very suddenly. Feeling a bit bruised as, like you, he had made noises about spending christmas together and also I moved heaven and earth to get ex to agree to have the DC for new year so I could spend it with him sad

Feeling quite bitter about men in general at the moment. I really need to learn to be happy on my own with the DC.

So

avocadogreen Thu 27-Nov-14 21:49:26

Don't know where the random 'so' came from!?

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 21:53:22

Avocado very similar - my ex arranged to have the dc on Xmas day this year and now I've been dumped. He just went no contact. After telling me he loved me. I think online dating makes it too easy. It's like ordering something online and then returning it when it's faulty to get another one. There's no real commitment.

avocadogreen Thu 27-Nov-14 22:14:00

That's rubbish sad Can you arrange to have the kids after all?

Sounds very similar... my bloke was super keen, said he loved me, talked about future plans, very keen to meet the DC etc. Then all of a sudden decided it wasn't what he wanted after all. After my experiences with exH I am now very jaded about men. It seems all too often they can just walk away while we are left wondering what the hell happened.

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 22:19:16

Yes sounds exactly the same! Ex h said I can have the kids in the morning at least.

I think they get infatuated and then freak at the reality.

VelmaD Thu 27-Nov-14 22:45:07

my marriage ended in 2009. I had a couple of 3 month things, but didnt meet my dp until 2013. 4 years on my own, but tbh it was needed. a year to mourn and grieve my marraige. a year to discover me again. a year with friends and fun. and a year thinking about relationships and the future. I never planned it that way, but now in hindsight its how it worked out. and im better for it. you need time, but youre unlikely to be alone forever. dont fall into the anything is better than nothing trap though. thats bullshit.

gottafindaman4yagirl Thu 27-Nov-14 22:55:23

Avocado Dont The toads that left you, did they go ott with compliments in the beginning?
I have to be careful myself with falling into similar traps, I have started reading a book called What smart women know, its to the point and is helping me to see my own behaviour and the type of men and behaviours to avoid.
I found myself dating a man who was totally wrong for and was making me anxious, I realised it was because i was scared to be alone and wanted to feel desired.
I came out of a 12 yr marriage, 33 and two DC. I have to remind myself that I felt alone and unhappy in my marriage, I felt I had no hope of being appreciated, I felt unattractive and depressed. When I feel lonely I think of how I get to run my home my way, don't get told I'm nagging, I watch what I like on tv, no more snoring partner, decorate house how I want, less laundry and no smelly socks and sweaty pants to handle, no arguing around DC, no debates about who does the most or earns the money.
Do men question themselves and what they did wrong and if they will be alone forever, I don't think so. Men will use old to boost their ego and wont think twice about dtd with zero emotion on first or second date and them going silent and suddenly not ready for a relationship.

gottafindaman4yagirl Thu 27-Nov-14 22:59:13

I still believe in love and that there are some good men using old, just yet to meet one smile I'm not jaded.

dontcallmehon22 Fri 28-Nov-14 07:25:58

Gotta he would say things like 'it's you. I've found you...this feels right...you're beautiful...I've a good feeling...' etc etc. He told me to trust him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 09:02:51

I think you have to maintain a sense of perspective. You're only 18 months on from a break-up, six months of that time you've had some brief rebound relationships and it's far too early to say, on the strength of that experience, that you will be single 'for ever'.

Think you're doing the right thing stepping out of dating for a while. Boost your confidence a little, experience the independence that you're so frightened of and then see how you feel.

dontcallmehon22 Fri 28-Nov-14 11:20:38

I still feel very attached to the last guy and that's making the feeling worse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 11:30:47

Attached after just three months?

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