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On and off relationship advice :(

(11 Posts)
helengh Thu 27-Nov-14 17:56:39

Me and my partner have been on off for 3 half years most the problems are lack of trust from me due too terrible relationship before hand, Iv two child not his but adore him miss him my youngest had called him daddy for all her life as I met him when she was 6 months!!! He's a good man few faults but noones perfect!

We're separated but still talk everyday as I found out I was pregnant we decided on a termination as the state of us just isn't right stable for a child too be brought in too! Thing is think what's happened has brought us closer together and want too try again, we still love eachother and really wanna give it ago but I know my family will hit the roof and won't talk too me and friends will judge! I am just stuck in the middle and it's driving me mad, any advice insight would be great as can't talk too many if any about it with out them being selfish on telling me what too do, I'm 28 and scared due too others reactions sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 18:20:15

Why would your friends and family judge you badly if you say that the only problem in the relationship is your inability to trust?

helengh Thu 27-Nov-14 18:27:34

Because we've tried so many times, and my parents especially are very one sided and ignore that fact it's me that's the trust issue and automatically jump too defence oh we new it wouldn't work stay on your own ect ect your the children too think about and I can never sit and say no it's me as they just don't except it!

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 18:43:14

Mmm if family and friends are warning you off someone then I think you should listen. If you don't want to listen at least postpone having a child with this man for another six months to see where you are in terms of getting on together.

So suggest to him that to demonstrate you are both serious six months needs to pass without any arguments.

helengh Thu 27-Nov-14 19:01:50

People that are warning me away or family don't know about my trust issues due too an affair my previous partner, I'm unable too talk too my family about it as my mum especially thinks there only one way too life and it's how she's living it and she knows best and is how I should live it, just alone with the kids

SelfLoathing Thu 27-Nov-14 23:53:32

In my experience, if family strongly dislike a partner its because they care about you and can see this is a person who is hurting you or isn't right for you. Obviously there are exceptions (family abusers etc) but as a general rule it holds good.

If your friends also don't like your partner, same x 100. Again there are exceptions and some people have their own agendas.

But if it is X X X across the board, you really should reconsider.

The termination question is a different issue. It isn't clear from your post as to whether you have had a termination yet or not. If you haven't, separate this out as to whether you want the child rather than rolled up with the relationship. It's a big decision and one that can't be unmade either way.

dirtybadger Fri 28-Nov-14 00:16:08

I think it might be useful to give an example of a couple of occasions where your "trust issues" have caused problems. I suspect others may be wondering "trust issues, or untrustworthy/suspect partner?".
Lots of people do genuinely have paranoia which is unwarranted and troublesome but I think just as many if not more people have these issues for good reason...

dowagerinacab Fri 28-Nov-14 00:58:03

How about taking it slowly so you don't have to do a big shocking reveal of your relationship? Date, be consistent, see each other regularly, but don't jump into living together or "trying again" or being "serious", until you have been stable with each other for a good while. Your family/friends then have the chance to get to see you being good together and having fun together, and objections will melt away.

Don't go straight into "trying again", start "seeing each other". Don't move in, don't have him parent your child, have FUN together.

This way is less dramatic and possibly less exciting, but if you're getting your excitement through dramatic relationships instead of happy ones, it's never going to end happily.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 05:43:08

I agree with dirtybadger. It's very common for people to claim they have 'trust issues' when what they really have is an 'untrustworthy partner'. Sometimes there doesn't have to be either particularly in place and it's also common for two people ... who would be quite pleasant independently.... to simply bring out the worst behaviour in each other when they are together. i.e. if you don't like who you are when you are with someone, they are probably not the right person for you. By the same token, if all your family are seeing is you being desperately unhappy, anxious or agitated when in/out of the relationship.... and you don't give them all the information.... they will defend you. Totally normal.

If you don't think the relationship is 'stable' enough for children then chances are it's not stable enough for you either. Take your time to rebuild your confidence.

helengh Fri 28-Nov-14 07:07:10

Ok, I had the termination two weeks ago, I will on the pill and was an unfortunate accident and at the current state of our relationship it was the best thing to do,
As for my trust issue its stems from my previous partner who had an affair behind my back for nearly a year I found out when I was 5 months pregnant if not more with my youngest and obviously left him and the other women moved in the next day and he's never too be seen/heard of since! It is nothing that he's done what so ever it completely stems from problems before sad which I wish I could shake off and be able too give him the trust he so rightly deserves!!! I panic him going too the pub for a beer too watch the football incase it's not actually the reason!! I guess it's just something I'm gonna have too get over other wise il never be happy in s relationship with him or someone else in the future

KouignAmann Fri 28-Nov-14 10:32:07

Helen your hormones will be all over the place at the moment so give yourself some time to recover from the TOP and be kind to yourself.
Well done for recognising the problem is within you. Would it help to get some counselling? That may be available from the clinic where you had the TOP.
It would help you to move on from the past. Then your DP can rebuild a relationship with you without the drama if that is what you both want. I agree with PP take it slowly.

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