Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am doing the right thing aren't I?

(15 Posts)
redexpat Thu 27-Nov-14 16:57:02

Am not in the UK so very different set up in terms of getting help.

DS was wailing as we were trying ot get him out the door for swimming, and had been wailing for a while, getting very upset at dinner, basically a very tired 3 year old. I asked DH (who does nursey pickups) if DS hadn't slept today, and he threw DS' welly down on the floor and yelled at me for snapping at him. I was very wtf? I had asked in a perfectly calm manner. He apologised 5 minutes later.

Then when we took DS out to the car to go swimming he got straight into the car and was going to drive off without saying goodbye. I said 'bye then' in a sarcastic tone. I really didnt have the energy to be the grown up anymore. And then he got out and said what? I went back into the house, and he asked if I was going to be like this all night - just so he would know, as if I was the unreasonable one here.

When I first moved in with him 2007 he used to just go off without saying goodbye and could never understand why I was upset. When I explained that it's because you never know what's going to happen, and you need to say goodbye in case that person dies he changed his tune and has done it ever since.

He was always such a gentle soul. I really mean it - he was. He snapped at me once during the first year I lived here. I still had the energy to be the grown up and asked him why he responded like that to a perfectly reasonable question. I asked if everything was alright at work, and it turned out it wasn't. I pointed out that when he gets home from work everyday I ask him how his day was, and that is his opportunity to air any annoyance etc. We havent had any incidents like this since...

Until this summer. He started a diet - low carb high protein - I have no idea if this is relevant, but he has snapped a few times since we got back from holiday. I told him a couple of weeks ago that he had been really snappy lately and he looked mortified. I then had to coax it out of him again that there were several things that were stressing him out. I reminded him that I am here and that I ask him everyday how he is, and that when he snaps it has a bad effect on me, and on DS. I dont want DS growing up in a household where adults shout and show aggression towards each other. That's one of the reasons I married him. I grew up watching m+d screaming at each other regularly, with no constructive resolution and I dont want the same for DS. I dont want him to grow up afraid.

So after this evenings little show I thought that I really have to get some outside help to show him that I am serious about this. There is no Relate here, it's all through SS who are much more cooperation based and have many more functions than in the UK. I have the number for the department and can ring tomorrow from 830-930. The thing is Im training to be a social worker, so I know what paragraph in which law we should come under. I also know that witnessing violence (even if it is throwing a welly), can damage a child.

I'm also 41+3 pg and being induced on Monday. I remember our relationship taking a dive after DS was born through sleep deprivation etc, so I'd signed us up for the marriage course at the church, but it was cancelled as there werent enough signed up for it.

I am not prepared to live in fear. I am not prepared to exist in an unhappy marriage. I am not prepared to have DS think that this is normal, or acceptable. Yet it still feels like an overreaction to contact SS. Please reassure me.

AnnieLobeseder Thu 27-Nov-14 17:04:04

If you think your marriage could use a little help via counselling, that's bound to be a good think. And for the most part it seems that you and he are good at communicating what is actually bothering you and effectively sorting out your problems.

But you lost me at the end. You "live in fear"? Of what? Is he just snapping, which you say (and we all snap on occasion) or do you mean he's actually being properly verbally abusive? And you think that throwing a welly once in frustration is your child witnessing abuse? I would strongly disagree.

I understand that you're very pregnant, which means that you're understandably fed up with everything. But nothing in your post made me think your relationship is abusive or that SS needs to be involved beyond their role in arranging Relate-type counselling if you think you need it.

If you're not happy, then you're free to leave the relationship at any time. But I just don't see the abuse from your post.

MiniTheMinx Thu 27-Nov-14 17:14:11

Its an overreaction to ring SS yes. Unless of course what you have described is just the tip of the iceberg???? Do you live in fear?

Pregnancy hormones can be hideous too, so might you be also a bit more sensitive at this time?

What was he yelling at you?

As regards men and meat, I think there are some crazy studies that suggest that a high protein diet causes aggression.

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 17:19:17

It is no coincidence that you grew up in an abusive household and you know find yourself and your dc in one.

Break the cycle.

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 17:19:40

*now

overmydeadbody Thu 27-Nov-14 17:21:48

If this is all there is to it, throwing a welly and snapping a few times, then yes you are massively over reacting.

Snapping is not the end of the world, it is not somethgin to live in fear of, unless there is more to this?

HappyGirlNow Thu 27-Nov-14 17:23:56

Sorry, only going on what you've described I think you need to get a grip.. Totally OTT reaction.

redexpat Thu 27-Nov-14 17:35:46

OK you're right - living in fear is my pg hormones talking. Was possibly projecting from my own childhood ...

Is he also at the gym a lot? Not taking any dodgy supplements that might affect his moods, is he?

(Not passing judgement on the rest of your post, just throwing that question out there)

MiniTheMinx Thu 27-Nov-14 17:57:13

Are you sure this is it, he isn't doing anything worse than you have written here? As long as what you have told us is actually the very worst that is happening, I should think everything will be fine smile

redexpat Thu 27-Nov-14 19:27:28

Yes he is now home and i have totally overreacted blush but intend on blaming my pg hormones.

redexpat Thu 27-Nov-14 19:28:23

Thanks all for reality check and grip.

PrettyPictures92 Thu 27-Nov-14 19:35:20

I was about to hand you a massive grip but it looks like you've found one on your own grin

Everyone snaps sometimes, every couple argue occassionally. He didn't throw a wellie at you but at the floor and from what you're saying your relationship sounds completely normal. Your pg hormones must be going wild because your reaction seems very ott.

Just out of curiosity, if your childhood is affecting you have you sought councelling? I really don't think your partner is the one with the problem here, it seems like you're letting your past affect your rationality a bit.

Hope you're feeling better soon smile

perfectlybroken Thu 27-Nov-14 19:37:11

pregnancy hormones and tiredness can be awful, it does sound like some issues need addressing but maybe not SS just yet. Hope you manage to sort things out and have a peaceful weekend in prep for your birth flowers

CrabbyTheCrabster Fri 28-Nov-14 17:18:30

It is no coincidence that you grew up in an abusive household and you know find yourself and your dc in one. Break the cycle.

Are you fucking serious Quite?? grin grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now