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Emotional Abuse - any experience?

(3 Posts)
hiphoplollipop30 Thu 27-Nov-14 16:33:09


I've recently come out of a long relationship with someone who now, looking back, I think was emotionally abusive.

At the time I thought it was emotional abuse when it was really bad, but generally didn't think about it.

I was just confused most of the time as to why we were fighting or why he wasn't talking to me or what it was I'd done wrong - but he'd never tell me.

I don't want to completely put down our relationship, because there were times that were very good, but the downs, my god, felt like the worst thing I'd ever been through, coupled with my confusion.

I don't feel half as bad that its over than I did in the midst of his outbursts.

Just wondering if anyone else has some experiences to share? How you got out of it? Did you go on to meet someone wonderful? Did the abuser go on to change or stayed the same? Did you leave them or did they leave you?

I've recently read this, and it really spoke to me and felt like it was written for my situation at these times of outbursts -


greenberet Thu 27-Nov-14 20:10:40

HI hiphop I've just read that article and that is the most descriptive thing I've read and I have done a lot of reading.

I didnt realise my marriage of 20yrs was abusive until i got the no longer sure of my feelings speech a year ago followed by the revelation of OW 5 months later. I believed my DH when he told me noone else was involved despite all the postings on here. We had a good life & 2 great kids through IVF. We went through a lot to get where we were.

I was on anti depressants for a lot of this marriage and always thought it was me - but what i realise now is the feelings i was trying to surpress where actually as a result of his behaviour. He has left me for her and I am now experiencing the full capabilities of a narcisstic personality. Our situation is complicated - he is successful in his field and highly respected - he has his own business and I'm joint owner. I still cant get my head around how he has totally cut off from me - he still sees the kids but they are struggling with it all. Our life looks like being completely turned on its head due to his selfishness and I really want to tell my kids that how he is behaving is not right or normal but I cant. He thinks it is me manipulating them and what really grates is that he just up & left leaving me to sort out what he has left behind he is splurging company money like theres no tomorrow and obviously feels justified and then tells me i need to move on.

I wish I could say that i have met someone wonderful but far too early for me - my emotions are still all over the place 4 months into separation and our financial situation looks dire according to my solicitor. I was advised to look at working tax credits by my mediator and this is going from having 4 holidays a year with kids in private school to suddenly not having any money. If I think about it too much I blub.

Sorry you have had to go through this - and totally get the confusion - I am still confused - he wouldnt talk about anything- still won't - OW thinks she has won the prize - and despite everything I cant get rid of my bloody feelings for him!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 06:04:17

I have some experience of an emotionally abusive relationship. Looking back - and it ended 20 years ago now so I have the luxury of detachment - I think the damaging part is that these people are highly manipulative and the whole relationship revolves around the idea that 'if I were a better DW, he would be happier'. Compromises get made that you know are wrong but are quickly rationalised and become normal. Self-esteem gradually drops

So it quickly becomes very one-sided with a lot of disappointment but with enough 'good times' to keep an optimistic person on the hook, hoping the sun comes out. I was eventually ditched for an OW and, whilst that would be bad enough at the best of times, there's the added kick in the teeth of having wasted so much time and emotion. There's also the problem that, even after the relationship finishes, the feeling that 'I wasn't a good enough DW and that's why he left' persists. Instead of being angry at being abandoned (which would be entirely normal) what's left is self-reproach and confusion... quite wrong if you think about it.

In your situation greenberet, I would stop protecting his reputation/memory and start being more honest with others - including your DCs in an age-appropriate way - about what kind of person he really is. Get angry.

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