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(17 Posts)
Marisol96 Thu 27-Nov-14 16:30:15

Hi all,
New to this site so hope I follow all the rules. I had a quick look around and I noticed quite a few related topics so I hope you won't mind if I create another one.
Short story long, about a month ago I went through his phone out of curiosity. Call it a female intuition or gut feeling, I felt like our relationship had been up and down for a while, sex was happening barely once a month. I decided to follow my intuition and check his phone, boy what a mistake it was. The very first message I found was in his facebook messenger. There was a communication with a woman for about a year, pretty much from the same time we started dating. There seemed to be quite a lot of gaps, meaning they didn't text very often. About a few months ago he had started messaging again, asking how she is doing etc, they were talking about their relationships and so on. My bf wrote about me, that he's happy and all is fine but he wouldn't put a seal on it yet (strange, by that time we had already decided to try for a baby).
Anyways, bottom line is, that at some point he sent a very sexy message to her, quite a long one, where he recalled their past sexual relationship, mentioning how good she was, how he still get's turned on thinking back to what they did and how he regrets they didn't do it more. I was in pure shock and couldn't hide what my discovery from him. He obviously denied everything, saying that he had only tried to boost old mates ego by saying how great she was etc. I was mortified, felt like a complete rag. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind him having a past, we all have our past. Anyways, it took a few weeks talking, he still constantly denied everything, trying to tell me I'm a crazy lunatic and that I've taken that text completely out of context. I know what the context was and even if there were other circumstances or context I still think it was wrong. He only admitted he's done wrong when I packed my things and had arranged a friend to pick me up and stay with her. He admitted it was wrong and he doesn't even know himself why he had to say these things, he felt really sorry and guilty for causing me all this pain. I forgave him as I believe we all deserve a 2nd chance. I knew there was nothing physical going on between them because she lives in another country.
It's been over a month now, and he is really trying. But something has changed in me, I still love him and care about him but from time to time I get these awful angry feelings, like I'm falling into black hole, and the whole thing just comes back to my mind. I really want to make this work but I'm afraid if I can't get over it I might as well let him go. What do you think? Am I over reacting? How long would it take to get over it and will I learn to trust him again?

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 16:37:27

You are not over reacting. When something like this happens it literally changes the relationship forever. Something just sort of dies.

Anyway relationships are based on love, trust & respect and sadly the trust has gone for you and maybe you have lost a little respect for him too.

Some people can forget cheating and move on from it but a lot of people can't and don't. I think you're in that category.

If you have no dc to him, thank the heavens and run for the hills whilst it's easy enough!

Marisol96 Thu 27-Nov-14 16:45:58

Thanks Quitelikely smile

I would like to think that time heals all wounds, it is pretty fresh still. I'm normally not a jealous person at all but I still find myself thinking who is he texting if he's on his phone or laptop. That's not okay and eats me inside. I'd like to think that it was nothing, just a one off message but the details he described still pop up in my mind. He was out the same day with his mates and I was thinking perhaps it was just a drunken message but it was far too clear and detailed to be one.

TinyWishes Thu 27-Nov-14 16:54:46

It's still quite raw. I think you may need a bit more effort from him to make you trust him more.

But, once the seed of doubt is there it keeps growing.

I've been in this situation & in the end no matter how hard he tried. No matter how hard I tried to forget. It still ate me up. & I checked his phone whenever he left it around. Which wasn't often. Or left it face down on silent.

Cut a long story short. He did it again. Signed up to a fuck buddy website. (Nice) So I had no choice but to end it & walk away. He blamed his mate. So I asked his mate. It wasn't him & we both knew it.

We are now married to different people and I thank my lucky stars I found out what he was like.

Do you think you could ever trust him 100% ?

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 17:01:22

Yes OP drunk or not that is worse because each time he is out you are going to wonder what he is up to.

Something that is valid: on this board when someone is coming to discuss their dh cheating it is very common that the DW caught them texting/sexting/online flirting a few years before. I have seen that happen a lot lately on here.

Just watch out if you forgive him. If you weren't enough a month ago you certainly won't be enough with a baby in arms. Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship. Can he handle that or will he look elsewhere for satisfaction.

Please show him the door and have a baby with someone who truly respects you

Marisol96 Thu 27-Nov-14 17:03:25

I can't really tell right now, I haven't checked his phone since then, mostly because I just hate that buzz feeling when I click open his message apps. I also think he would be a complete idiot if he would leave any evidence. He hasn't changed his phone code though and he even shared his facebook password with me, which was a nice sign. I am trying to see the best in him and even before the incident we spoke about cheating and what we think about it and he admitted that cheating is completely wrong and if he would like to cheat he would rather end a relationship rather then hurting his partner. So that's why this texts seemed to be really out of place and shock, I would've never though he would do it and I still can't believe that this wonderful loving man did something so disrespectful. Is this some sort of a ego boost for guys? It seems to be, I have read a lot of articles online threads about this and it seems to me that guys just don't take it as cheating. Sure, as long as there's no actual sex act happening all is fine, right? Sometimes I just hate this modern social media/smartphone app/texting world we have ended up.

nrv0us Thu 27-Nov-14 17:06:29

Certainly without it, I'm not sure what people would start MN threads about.

(Not a dig at you, just an observation that about 75% of threads on here start with 'I know I shouldn't have, but I looked at my DH's phone/FB/email...')

nrv0us Thu 27-Nov-14 17:07:05

I guess social media and mobile phones have made EVERYTHING easier, including cheating.

Marisol96 Thu 27-Nov-14 17:07:45

Baby plans are out of question right now for sure. He still wants a baby but I've told him this is not a healthy environment to bring a child to. Feels very sad, it took just one wrong move to flush down all the plans for a happy life. I still hope we have a chance, we're going on a month long holiday for Christmas and New Year and I hope that will sort something out. If nothing else then at least we can have a civilized and relaxed conversation and maybe end things as 2 adults.

Marisol96 Thu 27-Nov-14 17:11:19

By the way, I'm extremely grateful for all the replies, I just need a neutral point of view from someone who doesn't know us. it really means a lot to me that I can pour it out here smile My best friend knows about this but she also knows how much we loved each other before and she's saying it'll be fine etc.

TinyWishes Thu 27-Nov-14 18:30:01

What else can you do apart from benefit of the doubt and a second chance.

Just make sure he works for that second chance.

and don't beat yourself up and question your own self worth over someone else's mistake. let's hope he learnt the hard way!

Apart from handing over his password for Facebook what else has he done to gain your trust back.

Marisol96 Thu 27-Nov-14 18:50:57

Frankly I'm not sure if he's done much to gain it back. I mean he is definitely more affectionate towards me and still making plans for the future ( like next years travel plans, getting our financial situation sorted in case I get pregnant which I have told him is not going to happen right now). This is all nice but I'm not even sure how he can gain that trust back. I don't want to sneak behind him all the time. He also made it clear that he doesn't want to talk about it any further. I've been feeling quite down and a bit depressed after that but I don't want to show it in front of him, I think whinging and moaning about this all the time is the fastest way to end the whole relationship. He's insisted that I'm the only one in his life and he cannot bear even a though of losing me.
Don't want to lose the plot here, but he has lost his sex drive compared to the beginning of relationship. I personally have a healthy appetite blush and he was the same until this summer. Maybe the loss of intimate interest was the reason I went to check his phone in first place. In fact that was the thing the made me and I guess still makes me angry is that, while I was suffering with lack of intimacy thinking he is busy and stressed with work, he had time to send something sexy to someone else.

Windywinston Thu 27-Nov-14 19:33:08

The biggest stumbling blocks here in terms of moving on are that a) he didn't come clean until you threatened to leave, so he's only sorry because he got caught, and b) he doesn't want to talk about it so expects you to sweep it under the rug.

What matters here is what you want, if you want to talk about it, he should be willing to, he betrayed you after all.

I agree with those above, many many posts here where people's partners have cheated often start with having caught them sexting/flirting on Facebook years previously, but they forgave. I'm not saying he will go on to physically cheat, but the problem with people who give themselves permission to do this sort of thing behind a partner's back are able to justify their actions to themselves without regard to anything or anyone else, which means they are likely to be capable of more.

Marisol96 Fri 28-Nov-14 12:45:10

You're absolutely right Windywinston, I think that's what bugs me the most is that he acts as if nothing really happened. I'm still struggling and trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault that he did that. I've been through face where I blamed myself (all the good old "am I not sexy and desirable enough" "did I let myself go" "did I let our relationship fall into routine" etc). I've even been through nasty phase where I looked at this womans Facebook profile on regular basis, thinking what she has that I don't have. It was really stupid, I admit it myself, there's nothing she did wrong except maybe flirting with someone taken.
The other thing that I didn't mention in my first post is that, from their conversation it came out that whatever sexual relationship they had was when my boyfriend was together with his ex. His ex is a lovely woman, I haven't met her but she seems really cool and down to earth kind of person. When I asked if he cheated on his ex with that woman he insisted that they were going through a break and were technically not together at that time. Exact words what this woman wrote to him in their conversation was "I'm sorry I got involved with someone taken" And right after that was the sexy message from my boyfriend.

Marisol96 Fri 28-Nov-14 12:48:03

I must be very loyal person but I have never wandered down the memory lane with any of the guys from my past.

Jan45 Fri 28-Nov-14 13:04:04

Look, a person either has the potential to cheat or not, he has shown you he is not capable of being trusted, he seems to hold the cards about when you should be able to `get over it` - doesn't sound like he's trying to me, sounds like he's wanting it brushed under the carpet, how do you know he wont be at it again in six months time - he has completely broken your trust him and in all probability you will limp along until eventually it will be inevitable that you will part company.

Unless he really does convince you to stay, I don't really see what you are staying for, his attitude to me is he is sorry he was caught out, chances are he will start it again in the future, he's that type I'm afraid.

Not all men do this, men who believe in staying faithful don't look elsewhere for kicks.

ruddygreattiger Fri 28-Nov-14 15:38:41

Hmm, if his ex was, as you say, a lovely woman, and he still cheated on her it looks like this is a pattern of his. I feel so sorry that you are with someone that has no morals or loyalty towards someone he says he 'loves'.
You seem such a clever, bright, hardworking woman, why on earth do you think this bloke is what you deserve?? Sorry op, he sounds like an cheating shit.

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