Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

a Year ago I discovered mumsnet when I was

(11 Posts)
ninetynineonehundred Thu 27-Nov-14 14:08:38

8.5mts pregnant, bored, stressed and worried about how I would cope with two.

As friend showed me the penis beaker thread and I spent the next few weeks getting slowly hooked in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. In fact I pulled muscles laughing so much that I was worried about it hurting during labour.

After the birth i discovered relationships.

In the past 9 months I've learnt that...
My husband was abused as a child
He's emotionally abused me the whole time we've been together
He's a misogynist
My upset and temper over the years was a reasonable response to how he was behaving
My breakdown was caused by this relationship
The reason we had sexual problems was as much down to him as me
It's not my fault he doesn't have friends
I was prepared to live in poverty just so he could do what he wanted work wise
I wasn't bad for wanting a career or being successful
I didn't emasculate him, despite what my father suggested (connected with my success)
'helping' with the housework or kids isn't helping, it's not a favour he's doing me.
My mil is the most pa person in the world apart from him
My doubts at the beginning were reasonable, not me being a bitch
He's used the kids to upset me (it would never have seen it as that before)
What i put up with from his parents was never acceptable
I've been his shield from his parents
I'm meant to be his mother
My father is incredibly threatened by me being my own person with opinions
Being passive has been a very aggressive act against me
He's (husband) actively sabotaged my relationship with his parents.
I've been his outlet for his anger and so been the baddie

There's so much more but what is really heartbreaking for me is that I truly truly believed the opposite of all the above hence the breakdown.

My head is totally fucked.

Not sure why I'm posting this. Please don't hassle me to ltb, it's taken me many years to get to this point.

And I still believe he can change. He's actively engaging with therapy (this time!).

Please can you simply hold my hand as I work through this. I know now that I'm smart, strong and determined so will get to where I need to be, but in my own time.
Thank you for reading

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 14:15:48

I'm afraid you have to read a few more threads and appreciate that, even when appearing to be fully engaged, emotionally abusive men (bullies for want of a better word) rarely manage to sustain personality changes for very long. It is more normal that they use the therapy as a time-wasting, can-kicking exercise, pulling you back from the point of saying you've had enough.

So if you're smart, strong and determined, please make sure you look after yourself as #1 priority, set the bar of acceptable behaviour very high indeed and, even if you don't like ideas of 'LTB', at least allow yourself to think what independence might look like in practice.

'Plan for the worst and hope for the best'....

BuzzardBird Thu 27-Nov-14 14:17:52

I hope for your sake, you are right. Not sure really what else to say as you don't want to hear it but good luck. thanks

ninetynineonehundred Thu 27-Nov-14 14:27:14

I agree with you cog and you have said the same thing to me before.

I know where this is going but part of it is about me being kind to myself and allowing myself to do this in my own time. There's not been enough of me being kind to myself over the years.

That's not an excuse just an acknowledgement of how far I've come and that i still have further to go.

I've done well to realise this much as I had long term therapy before focusing on how i could change myself.
It's only this year I've finally been ready to face up to what this relationship is really like.

I will get my happy ending even though I don't know what it will look like but right now I'm in the eye of the storm seeing things for how they really are

It's been a hard year!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 14:31:49

I'm glad you're going to be kind to yourself. Extend it to rejecting others who are unkind and you've really got the start of something powerful i.e. assertiveness.

queenoftheknight Thu 27-Nov-14 14:37:49

People can change...of course they can.

Is he still in contact with his family? Are you with yours? If so, change is much less likely, as you will still be in the same roles, with the same expectations etc etc. This kind of fundamental change requires just that. FUNDAMENTAL change, and being surrounded by all the same people makes that extremely difficult and rather unlikely.

Core beliefs run through generations.

Best of luck.

ninetynineonehundred Thu 27-Nov-14 14:38:11

Believe me I'm achieving that!

I'm seeing the pa behaviour in a minute by minute basis now and refusing to put up with it.

It's been hard because I was brought up to think that not being happy with something was wrong, especially if it was dressed up as trying to help or be nice.

The scales have fallen off now and although it hurts a lot seeing how things are and how low my expectations have been at least I'm finally clear in my own head.

That's something you can't put a price on.

queenoftheknight Thu 27-Nov-14 14:38:52

To have learned all that in nine months and to have had a baby, is some going. Good for you! Keep going.

ninetynineonehundred Thu 27-Nov-14 14:50:46

Queen, yes and yes at the moment. My parents are totally being reeducated about how I expect to be treated smile
His parents will treat me with respect next time I see them or be asked to leave. No more putting up with their crap.

Change can only happen once you see that there is a problem. That realisation is what I've been having this year. The next step is about to start

ninetynineonehundred Thu 27-Nov-14 14:53:13

Thank you queen smile
I need to hear that because it's low self esteem that has kept me down.

That's why I asked for hand holding because being told to ltb just feels as if I'm not doing it right which doesn't help.

queenoftheknight Thu 27-Nov-14 15:00:41

Remember though, to have secure boundaries in place means being responsible for yourself, and any children. Other adults are responsible for themselves.

You cannot change other people, they must want and choose to address their stuff themselves. The only thing you can do is hand their stuff back to them each and every time. This can cause immense conflict, which is just more stress for you.

Sometime you DO have to walk away. Sometimes it is walking away that precipitates change.

You cannot carry a total change in dynamics for two family systems...not with the best will in the world...and nor should you attempt to.

You said something about being cast in the role as his mother? NOOOO! He needs to be responsible for himself. You are only mother to your children.

But keep reading, keep learning. Keep going.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now