Partners controlling ex

[MotherofA]

Hi there,

This is my first post to Mumsnet as I am fairly new to the site. Firstly I cannot believe I am even writing this however, here goes...

My partner and I recently moved in together after a long time of commitment issues which I believe was mainly down to the control and input he still allows the mother of his children to have.

This is crazy but she is so sly and manipulative that it actually is bothering me and he seems blind to it. She has tried to become bosom buddies with me and I am friendly to keep the peace. However, she is constantly trying to drop him in it with me and still makes requests of him as though they are together. Clearly this is jealousy and a case of not wanting anyone else to have him but as he has children with her and I do not, this does get to me and she is feeding my insecurity in a big way. She put me on the spot and invited me in for a coffee one day only to have a topless photo of him flicking up on a slideshow every few seconds.... Erm lol you have been split two years you bunny boiler? (Obviously I did not say this or actually anything )

HELP me to somehow get her to back off please? Or to stop her getting to me in the very least as we are the love of each others life but sometimes it makes me want to walk away.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

People with a past come with baggage, some good, some bad. It's his responsibility to manage his exW, not yours. If he doesn't manage that side of things properly, don't blame the ex or call her names .... that's a cop-out..... put him on the spot and either make him do something about it, or walk briskly away.

[MotherofA]

Indeed they do. Thanks for your comment but I am looking for more an idea on how I can best deal with this myself as he seems fine with the set up and isn't aware of most of her games. It may seem insulting calling her a bunny boiler however I do find her behaviour odd there's no avoiding that. I have a child with a previous partner , we are friends but I would never behave in the way she does. I am not interested in his private life and would never try to play manipulative games with his new partner.

[BuzzardBird]

It's kind of a situation where you are either going to have to suck it up or ltb though isn't it? Presumably, he is happy with the Status Quo?

[OwlCapone]

I am looking for more an idea on how I can best deal with this myself

Have nothing to do with her. It's nothing to do with you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If he's fine with the set-up and you wade in and try to correct it, you're going to be the one that ends up looking like the 'bunny boiler'. The problem is him, not her. His priorities are wrong... he should be more concerned with your wellbeing than keeping an ex sweet.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

You can't deal with it - it's not your ex. All you can do is call out manipulative behaviour as and when you see it. Although fwiw asking him to help with a few bits and pieces doesn't seem that manipulative. Odd maybe, yes she should probably have moved on, but meh.

[MotherofA]

How can I have nothing to do with her when she calls and texts me a lot and most weekends it is myself that collects the children ? That is just unrealistic. I am happy for us all to be civil I just don't trust her motives that is all.
I think he is quite unaware of it to a degree although some things she says / asks he says she is being stupid ignore her .
It feels like I am being judged when I came on for a little support with people who may have experienced similar situations......
Yes buzzardbird I believe you are right i will have to suck it up and hope it improves. I need to be able to switch off to it , if I can do that then there would be no point in her games.

[OwlCapone]

How can I have nothing to do with her when she calls and texts me a lot and most weekends it is myself that collects the children ?

You ignore her and only speak as necessary when collecting the children. Keep any contact between you to only necessary stuff about the children. Perfectly realistic.

You can't change her.
You can't change him
You can only change how you deal with them.

[Windywinston]

Please don't use the term bunny boiler, it's very sexist.

I think you need to detach from her. Make it clear to your DP that you're no longer comfortable with being matey with her, she's deliberately trying to make you feel uncomfortable and you don't have to put up with it. Let DP pick his kids up and drop them off. If he doesn't like that then tell him you expect him to manage the situation better so that you're not made to feel uncomfortable.

[MotherofA]

It is things like the photo I find odd,... I found it strange that she had a topless picture of him on a slideshow, no others just that. She drops in things to me about when their child was in hospital he took her breakfast every morning (I already knew) she just makes sure I know these things which I already know as he tells me. She also tries to tell me what sort of person he is as though he is still hers. Basically I feel she is trying to "put me in my place" as she has his children.
I am not the same sort of person as her I don't play games and am not interested in my ex or who he dates. It is bothering me but I don't want it to.

[MotherofA]

Thanks this is very true. I need to change how I deal with it. I do not have much choice on collecting them due to his work commitments and don't really want her to be aware that she bothers me. However, I can definitely work on minimising the contact.

Thanks

[Quitelikely]

OP do not take this nonsense.

Do you really have to pick the dc up?

Can you change your number? Do you really have to communicate with her? Because as far as I can tell she's had her chance and she has blown it. Tell her your phone has gone off for repair...........

Just no way IMO do you have to suck it up. She will though when denied the opportunity to play her little games!

[MotherofA]

Thank you,

I am just learning the acronyms and have to keep checking the reference haha. If I say to DP that I do not want to collect them, he will have to ask his parents and this will make me appear awkward and dramatic as he doesn't take this situation very seriously.
I wish I could have nothing at all to do with her and tbh not hear her name. At first I naively thought she had good intentions but there are more and more comments and I see it for what it is. She has a love life of her own which she has told me about ( I personally think with the hope of my telling DP which I haven't). Why she is trying to control him and concerned with our lives I don't know. :(

[MotherofA]

Another thing which bothered me is that he took them away in term time and I couldn't go as my child is in school. His parents went with him and he invited us to join them at the weekend to which I declined..... She said in our latest conversation that she was happy for him to take them away for two weeks last year provided she had the option of joining them in the 2nd week which was fine?!
I find this odd as we took them all away for two weeks the previous year and she had no problem so I seriously believe she said this to trouble me.

[MotherofA]

*not last year, this year

[Quitelikely]

Yes she is trying to stir things up if you ask me.

Please try to lose phone/text contact with her.

Also when you collect the dc keep it very brief. If she asks you in say you're in a rush and you'll wait in the care (whilst she faffs on with coats etc)

[Quitelikely]

Car!

[MotherofA]

Thanks for your advice , I now aim to do this

[MotherofA]

I have found myself calling her names to friends etc which isn't in my nature so she has clearly got what she wanted lol x

[wheresthebeach]

Don't try to be friendly - it will only draw you into conversations that you don't want.

Businesslike is the approach. No grinning and waving when you meet. A curt nod, a polite conversation about necessities and off you go.

Don't chat, don't get involved with text messages etc. Ask her to text your DP about the kids, and get him to respond to any texts sent to you from his phone if they need answering. And don't go in for coffee/wine or a chat.

Spend no energy on trying to figure out her motives, or what she's up to. Tis all wasted.

[Lovingfreedom]

You are too involved with the ex and the children IMO. Why does she phone and text you? Why do you do so much of the collecting of children? You sound more like a nanny than partner. Is you DP happy with the arrangements?

[MotherofA]

Lol I feel like a nanny at times but is that not part of my role as his partner ? I can't not be involved with children, I live with their father and love him and them. would rather not collect them but his current work requires either myself or his parents to .
It just needs tone like most people have suggested minimal contact . As for how her texting and calling started I don't know we started by saying we would keep the peace etc but it just seemed to increase on her part. I didn't read into it in the first instance but it's quite clear what she is uptonow. X

[MotherofA]

Excuse the typos , dp is happy for me to collect them and for us to get on but I think he was baffled as to how much she was messaging me and telling me.
Very true I should not waste energy trying to understand why. I don't know why I let this bother me so much.

[Gfplux]

It is clear from what you have said that over time she has slowly trapped you into the present set up.
Why she has done this and why you and your partner have allowed it to happen is now irrelevant.
You have to deal with what the situation is now.
You have already received good advise on how to greet her in future, cool and business like. Get your partner to be in control of ALL messages.
Why not have a chat with his parents, asking for their help in pick ups and or drop offs. They should understand your problem. If they want the best for their son and grandchildren they should be on your side.
Good luck.

[MotherofA]

Thanks everyone so much ! Yes I do feel she has slowly reeled me in which, from what he says she is good at manipulating people
I will back away from her and keep it minimal . He can drop them back and I will try to get his parents to do occasional pickups. I do wonder why I am getting them at say 2 when he isn't back until 6/7pm? Often when I don't even have my own daughter and would love to meet a friend etc. Xx