passive aggressive ex

[hayleyanne31]

Hi I hope someone can give me some help, I kind of understand what passive aggressive is and I want to know if this would count as being so. Being very very quiet 90.% of the time when sober but when drinking they don't stop talking and are like a different person . He would work go for 3 pints go home get in bed by 7 and stay there all night unless it's weekend. Would rarely plan anything I would have to he would on occasion if he hadn't bothered with me say shall we go cinema.
Texting loads and being lovely one week the next barely hearing from him and hardly responding to texts. Never really asking how i am (am pregnant and suffering from extreme uncomfort and breathlessness nothing major!) Stopped having sex with me for 3 months from 13 to 22 weeks of pregnancy ( my being pregnant wasn't the issue apparently) won't really talk to me about issues in our relationship just goes silent and when does say anything they can be quite hurtful untrue accusations. Couldnt be bothered to see me during the week as said he was too tired and lazy he would always go to the pub though. After initially wanting to mix socially with my family he all of a sudden more or less refused to seemingly overnight ( he rarely see his own family apart from eldest 25 year old son who lived with him and they go pub together alot) my little lad would say his name about 8 times before he would eventually say "yes mush?" I see a message on his phone once yo his son saying he didn't want a boring for night in with me with my kids terrorising him. He said he didn't like to get angry as he isn't very nice that's why he hates arguing and avoids it . He was a very emotional man and have seen him cry a few times in particular over his dad., there were issues there I think. I've ended up on anti depressants as felt so worried and up and down the time we were together and I felt it was me imagining things. I've always felt he doesn't really love me as in the beginning as with all new relationships he was all over me but tight up to the end he was still affectionate with me always cuddling or holding my hand and saying he loved me?. Also as a side issue .He was 20 years older than me and also he would take me down the pub and be a totally different person and I'm feeling now like I was an ego boost for an old man and a bit of a trophy if I'm being honest with myself. I have ended things due to his Refusal to compromise and give me more of his time ie coming to see me in the week he said he goes distant sometimes and he is like it with his own family and they don't have a choice but to put up with it but I do. He has now said when I text him upset a week afterwe sepwrated (ie pregnancy hormones! ) that I was right and he was never going to move in with me and if things were really ok he should of been movin in with me like a shot. What I'm really asking in a round about way is , is this a passive aggressive person or was it a whirlwind romance I got pregnant and he realised he didn't love me in the end so he has been messing me about and not treating me properly ?? He also has entered once contacted me in 2 weeks it's like he has cut me out totally . That is so long and totally jumbled up I'm sorry I'm bit confused and all over the place , I feel a bit bonkers . Thank you I'd appreciate replies if possible xx

[hayleyanne31]

God that doesn't make sense what I've typed at all. What I'm saying is when I was with him he was still affectionate etc but apart it was like he couldnt be bothered with me and would only really see me on weekends if he decided he had had enough of the pub. He wasn't nasty to me or kids either he would do some nice romantic things.he didn't live far from me either only 10 mins away so distance wasn't an issue x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Passive aggressive would be someone looking at your outfit with a raised eyebrow & a pursed lip and saying..... 'so that's what you're wearing is it?' i.e. their attitude/body-language says 'hate it' but they are too cowardly to say so out loud.

If you've not been seeing each other long and now you're accidentally pregnant it sounds like he was trying to distance himself but going about it in a cowardly and rather immature way, hoping you'd be the one to call it off rather than him. If he was pulling the same kind of stunts before that point I would say he was emotionally manipulative.... a head-fuck. A healthy relationship wouldn't leave you on anti-depressants.... that's all you really need to know. Glad you've ended it.

[hayleyanne31]

Thank you for your reply I appreciate it and you are completely right a relationship shouldn't of made me feel so crazy, I'm glad it's over x

[hayleyanne31]

Think I'm so Confused by it all as one minute he was one way the next he was the other I mean he come to every scan and midwife appointment he would feel baby kicking etc . He would tell me he loved me and all that crap. God I need to see a therapist or something he has done my head right in .! Just got to look forward to having my little girl now he said he wants to see her . He never of certain said he didn't want to go through with pregnancy even though it was huge shock to us both .

[hayleyanne31]

Never once said

[Only1scoop]

I don't see the 'passive aggressive' behaviour really ....but it was obviously not working out. The relationship had upset you emotionally and wondering 'why' and 'how' another person can behave like this is very tiring and will get you nowhere.... Concentrate on your family and pregnancy that will take enough energy at the moment.

[hayleyanne31]

I think it's because I'd read somewhere that passive aggressive people would never have conflict or talk through problems and would go silent stonewalling etc.. Although you are right and I don't think he is pa. I think a lot of it comes down to him being set in his own ways as he is so much older and been doing his own thing and doesn't want to do the whole family thing. He used to say I want a relationship with you not your family which passed me off when we met I told him that I wanted a committed relationship as I'd been In one with a series commitment phone previously , and he was all for it initially . In the end i sort of distanced myself from my lovely parents and sister it's out of order really as my family don't live in each have others pockets it was only odd meal out and bqqs , that type of thing but he didn't want to do any of it . He just wanted to spend our time on our own or with my kids. He was happy to do family things in he beginning I suppose we all show our true colours after a few months into a relationship . Never mind I'll get over it eventually I'm just upset that I'm having our daughter without his full support we were both looking forward to it .

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There is a slim possibility that he was vacillating between wanting to be supportive of the pregnancy whilst not getting your hopes up about a future together.... and got it very badly wrong. (I realise I'm being charitable, especially in the light of you having to take medication to cope) There is an equally slim possibility that if you can park any ideas of a committed relationship and tell him that all you want is for him to be a committed (decent, generous, involved) father to your DD that you can achieve a détente ... i.e. drop all the sexual tension, selfishness & head-fuckery and approach parenting more as friends. But I accept that's a big ask.

[hayleyanne31]

At the moment I am so angry and upset I don't even want to see or hear from him anyway but I'm hoping by having some space from him that when she arrives in 8 weeks time I will be in a better place to be able to cope with being around during him. You are quite right in saying goes i really dont want all the aggro of sexual tension etc ive beem in that horrible situatuon before ..He has really hurt me he knew what I'd been through in my past 2 relationships and he promised he wouldn't hurt me and I trusted him because he was such a lovely bloke and seemed very genuine . I hope he gives our daughter the time and attention that he doesnt seem to want to give his own sons and grandchildren, I will find that very sad I'f he doesnt .I am really trying to focus on my children,family,Friends and my last few weeks at work.I do want to just let it go as it's not worth being so upset over (and i know ill get over it as I did my marriage) but it's early days and I suppose I'm trying to make sense of it all. Thanks for the advice it's very helpful to me x