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Paying for a babysitter but husband staying in!

(89 Posts)
TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 01:46:34

I am SAHM for medical reasons, and use up a lot of my precious savings each week to pay for a half day free from childcare each week.

I do this because DH complains that he is too tired after working full-time, and he looks to me to be there all the time for the kids, but I have MS so get horrible symptoms and desperately fatigued, and need a break once in a while.

I make sure my break is when DH is at work, so it doesn't affect him. But recently he changed his work schedule and was off. He complained all morning about our teething toddler being a "pain in the arse" while we tried to get some Christmas shopping done, but then when the paid help arrived in the afternoon, he chose to stay at home and help the babysitter!

He knows she doesn't need his help; she's a professional and has been working for us for a very long time now. So I ended up paying for my DH and a babysitter to look after DC while I got a rest, when DH could have easily done it by himself and saved me the cash.

For some reason I am hopping mad about it and I can't fully explain why.
I know we should be free to choose our own path and I should probably have just been grateful for the opportunity to have my own break for a few hours, and that I should let him make his own decisions freely. But it peeves me that he complains about looking after them and then chooses to - with someone else! BTW, I don't suspect any foul play there, but it annoys me that I've paid a lot of money for no good reason. I felt a bit betrayed in a funny kind of way and can't really explain why.

Can anyone shed any light on it, from an outside perspective?

Greenkit Thu 27-Nov-14 01:55:56

Why on earth are you paying someone to look after your children, when your husband could do it. Its his children too.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 01:58:48

It's a regular set up, a rolling rota if you like. I organised it when DH was supposed to be at work, but he switched his work schedule around this time and I was caught out by surprise.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 01:59:49

I agree with Greenkit. Your not so 'D' h is being an arse.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:00:34

Do you think that's why I am so enraged? hmm

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:01:23

Also, why are you paying for the babysitting from your savings? As your a SAHM all income earned by your husband should be shared.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:02:29

He pays for the household bills, I pay car and extras. I guess because it's for me I saw it's an extra.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:03:38

I'd be livid if it was my husband. I mean how can he complain he's too tired to help you but happily help the babysitter?!

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:04:37

That's what's said to him! But he came back with accusations about me trying to control what he does with his time hmm

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:06:15

But why should you pay for those from your savings? Surely if you've both agreed that you'll stay at home to look after your little one instead of forking out for childcare then he should be footing the bill for pretty much everything.
Sorry for poor spag. Sleep deprived.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:06:29

Fuck that shit.

Greenkit Thu 27-Nov-14 02:07:24

If he was my 'D'H he would be no longer, how selfish

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:10:59

Posted to early. I'm so pissed off on your behalf. What a manipulative thing to say to you!!! How bloody dare he? You have MS and taking care of a teething toddler ain't no walk in the park. He needs to pull his weight. To put it into context my DH works ridiculously long hours but still helps with the kids, housework, cooking, etc and I'm a SAHM too.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:11:02

We didn't agree it, the decision was made for us when I got Multiple Sclerosis. I think having the decision made for us like that set us off on a different footing.

Although I say savings, I do get a little bit of medical pension, so I am not entirely without a little top up. But if I didn't work by choice we couldn't afford the babysitter, it's only because of my medical pension and savings that I can.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:13:20

You're lucky, it's really tricky because he pulls the "I'm ill too" card. He takes immunosuppressants that give him liver trouble when his medication side effects kick in. But a lot of the time I've noticed he is perfectly fine when he wants to be. It's hard to figure it all out.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:14:03

Another thought, I disagree that the babysitting should come out of your savings for the simple reason that if you didn't get that short break then you wouldn't be able to take care of your little one whilst your H is at work. You'd be too exhausted.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:15:18

Green - what you said about he'd be your ex - how do you know where to draw the line? I mean no man is perfect and they all will have faults, so how do you choose which faults are ok and which aren't?

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:16:19

That's true Cookie, although he would argue that I CAN do it, even if I pay for it health wise.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:16:53

Cross posts. If it's a case of "I'm I'll too' then you should point out that if he doesn't help out you simply won't be able to have the energy to care your child.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:17:29

I suppose it's my choice to protect myself Ms-wise which is why I choose to pay for help.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:18:23

Keep cross posting. Sorry.

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:19:06

The more you post about him. The more I want to poke him in the eye.

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:19:55

We started this year in relate counselling because he was resentful that I didn't do as much as him. That was actually the reverse ironically, so I decided I can't relying him but will have to pay for someone else instead.

I think he just thinks I'm being a rich bitch and having luxuries that most people can't afford hmm

TortoiseInAShell Thu 27-Nov-14 02:21:55

The difficult thing is that I've seen his consultant letter and I know his blood results show his liver sometimes isn't very good, so probably he does get tired too. Plus we're both in our 40's.

So when he complains of being tired I don't feel I can ask him to pull out the stops

CookieLady Thu 27-Nov-14 02:22:36

I think you should ask for this thread to be moved to the relationship board. There are some fab level headed posters on there who'll be able to better advise you than little old sleep deprived me.
In all honesty I thinks he's being fair nor kind to you at all. He's manipulative to the point of putting on the 'aren't a hands on dad and wonderful bloke' show for the babysitter. Arsewipe.

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