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I told DH to leave (thanks to MH) - long

(28 Posts)
Patonthehead Wed 26-Nov-14 21:48:29

Dear Mumsnetters

This is the first time I have posted in the Relationships forum.

The reason I am posting is that I have been reading other people’s stories for months, in order to get some perspective on my own relationship troubles. It has been truly illuminating, and I would like to thank those who posted their own tales, and those many posters who gave excellent advice, which I was able to relate to myself.

Periodically, the notion is raised that an OP is trolling or that posts have inconsistences in them. Regardless, others continue to post advice and help, on the basis that it might help someone else, somewhere.

Well, I am that someone else, somewhere.

My back story is that three weeks ago, I told my DH of 15 years to leave the family home. Our children are young (7, 6, 4 and not yet 2). In Summer 2013, I was uncomfortable with the fact that my DH had a secret friend. He was meeting another woman for drinks/dinner and the occasional concert or after-work event, without telling me. I discovered this by reading his text messages, which in turn had been prompted by his working late, slight detachment, and the dreadful gut feeling I had (having discovered him doing something very similar nine years earlier.)

In September 2013, I commenced counselling on my own for a few weeks, gathered my thoughts, and confronted DH with my discomfort. I offered him the option of couples counselling (which I had already booked), and he agreed to come along.

We attended counselling weekly for five months. I found it excruciating. DH went for broke on fessing up his secrecy and his remorse for causing me hurt. I felt at the time he was hair-shirting it for the counsellor, but put it down to my own damaged trust. And so we moved on with our lives.

Overall, we had been happy and busy. I am a SAHM with four little children; he is a professional. He is a high earner. We have a good reliable babysitter and we get out regularly and have lots of friends. We live in a smallish community with a great network of families, where we have integrated well in the last number of years. From the outside, we really had it all.

While DH claimed he had never been happier, that he felt we were stronger than ever, and that our future was going to be wonderful, I often demurred and wondered if things could ever be the same again. He said he had cut contact with the OW (she moved away). I was generally guarded, and when we did have heart-to-hearts, I really felt he didn’t understand how eroded my trust and confidence had been. And he was carrying his mobile phone with him everywhere, not even charging it at home.

Over the summer of 2014, my increased anxiety that things weren’t right meant that I was on edge a lot of the time. I read and read and read the threads on Mumsnet, and found kindred spirits. All the women who discovered their husbands’ affairs. The young mother of two with the older, wealthy husband who was being controlled sexually. The technical advice on how to get ‘evidence’ from computers and phones. The helpful respondents who said ‘you do know, he is controlling you, don’t you?’ I had a happy, comfortable life with happy, charming, healthy children, a lovely home, and a husband who bought me presents and concert tickets regularly. But I was not treated as an equal in the relationship (financially, sexually, time-wise, and in many other countless ways.)

Three weeks ago, he left his laptop unguarded for about twenty minutes while he went to collect DD1, and I finally got the proof that I knew would be there. Some further probing, and I was able to collate eleven online orders of gifts sent – complete with flirty notes – to OW.

So I am on my own with the four little ones, while he is moving into an apartment tomorrow. I am attending counselling. We have drawn up a preliminary parenting plan. We will meet a financial planner. I have seen a solicitor and not told him. I have copies of bank statements on file.

I am still in the cold fury stage, and am being mechanical in terms of the house-keeping of the separation. I feel very self-righteous that my suspicions were spot on, though how useful that is at this point, I don’t know.

I am sickened at the prospect of having my four babies go to stay with him for overnight access (which we’ve agreed will start next week). My mother in law is heart-broken. My own family are so sad and hurt and angry. The reality hasn’t really dawned on the children yet (as he would have worked long hours, so would frequently be absent for breakfast or bedtime or both). The support of trusted friends has been phenomenal (the elbow-nudges at the school gate are much harder to bear.)

I had the strength to throw him out. I just hope I’ve the strength to cope into the future. So I thank you for reading this, and for all the advice you have given to women like me.

Quitelikely Wed 26-Nov-14 21:54:20

Wow. You amazing, strong, brilliant woman.

I like the fact that you have strong morals and self respect and you have showed your rotten ex that you will not tolerate his cheating ways!

Keep strong. You will have moments of doubt, moments if weakness but you gave him a chance and he blew it.

wine

RaisingMen Wed 26-Nov-14 21:55:19

op I just want to commend you on your bravery, I know how hard it must have been to deal with this head on rather than sweeping it under the carpet. You have done the right thing, and I wish you a bright and happy future x

Patonthehead Wed 26-Nov-14 21:56:44

Eek, that should have read 'thanks to MN' in the title blush

poppysqueak Wed 26-Nov-14 21:56:53

You sound like a very lovely and strong person - your children are lucky to have you. Good luck for your future.

financialwizard Wed 26-Nov-14 22:04:09

You can cope, I promise you. I was you 13 years ago and there were times when it is really tough but you can do it.

Only1scoop Wed 26-Nov-14 22:04:48

Paton

So sorry ....that must have been dreadful evidence to see after all you have been through.

That intuition is rarely wrong....awful to go through 5 moths of counselling together and then this. What a fool he is.

Keep that business head on for now....one day at a time.

Take care thanks

Patonthehead Wed 26-Nov-14 22:06:25

Thank you all - and thanks for the flowers and wine.

I am avoiding the wine as much as I can. There should be a cigarette icon below!

SoniaShoe Wed 26-Nov-14 22:16:59

Just wanted to say well done. And stay strong. I'm sure there will be tough times ahead but you've done the hardest bit now.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Nov-14 22:31:59

Well done, but I am sorry you have had to experience this

Tobyjugg Wed 26-Nov-14 22:51:57

You are an impressive woman. Good luck for the future.

Preciousbane Wed 26-Nov-14 23:39:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor Wed 26-Nov-14 23:59:45

I hope all goes well for you and the little ones for the future. Theyre still so young. My heart goes out to all of you.

PaisleySheets Thu 27-Nov-14 00:36:58

My H didn't have an affair, but he was a total and utter unmitigated bastard to me and I was so shocked / weak and unable to react that I let him carry on doing it for a year.

I wish I'd had your strength. It;s a great example you are setting for your children.

When people show you who they are...believe them! so easy to say and so hard to do

xx

JACKS1999 Thu 27-Nov-14 01:08:49

Well done. I hope everything works out for you.Best wishes

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 07:35:25

I'm sorry you had your faith betrayed & I'm glad you had the self-respect to call time, even though it's causing you great unhappiness. I hope you have good friends and family around you. Good luck

HellKitty Thu 27-Nov-14 08:08:31

You can do this! I wish I'd been on MN before the penny dropped in my marriage as if have LTB a lot sooner.

Hope you have a peaceful and happy Christmas smile

Jux Thu 27-Nov-14 09:12:17

Good luck, Patonthehead, and well done [fag][choc] and thanks

You will be fine, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for the moment. You will get there.

Dowser Thu 27-Nov-14 09:36:40

Yours is such a positive thread. Although it might not feel it right now but your strength and determination come shining through.

You went with your gut feeling and were proved correct. You gave him his chance before aNd he still failed to appreciate the magnificent woman he had now give yourself great kudos for drawing a line in the sand and having great courage to get him to remove his sorry arse.

He doesn't deserve you or his children.

I was married to a sneaky cheater. Now I'm with someone who would rather eat his own leg than cheat and the difference to the quality of your life is amazing.

No tense knots in your stomach. No wondering what he is up too.

It's incredibly free- Ing.

A day at a time. A step at a time.

Good luck.

chaosagain Thu 27-Nov-14 11:19:25

Congratulations on having the self respect and worth to make the decisions you have made. If and when there are tough days ahead remember that you did not create this situation. You responded absolutely appropriately to a situation HE CREATED. His behaviour, his choices.

For now, it might be one day at a time. Or keep on keeping on. But I really hope your future is full of happiness, respect, equality and freedom - you've done everything you can to make sure that it will be. And you're giving your children a great role model for what is and isn't ok.

I'm among the many sending you good luck, strength and wishes for a happy road ahead.

confusedandemployed Thu 27-Nov-14 11:25:35

This is one of the most inspirational threads I've read in a long time.

OP you are amazing. I am lucky enough to have never been in your shoes but if I were, I hope that I'd have your fortitude, presence of mind and resolve to do the same.

Glastokitty Thu 27-Nov-14 11:29:45

Well done you on being so strong! You have absolutely done the right thing, and you will be fine.your husband didn't deserve you.

Joysmum Thu 27-Nov-14 11:33:40

So glad you posted, also glad you have raised the point about lurkers benefitting and not just the posters.

I wish you all the best for your future flowers

Zebraface Thu 27-Nov-14 17:38:15

Pat,so sorry you have to go through this....as well as all the others sad

You sound very strong and focused,well done.

It will be hard,you will have good days and bad,but you can do it.

Everything chaos said ^

Castlemilk Thu 27-Nov-14 19:32:14

Well done, and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

Is he involved properly in the care of the children? You absolutely can change your mind about overnights for the toddler, if you think it's going to be stressful for them - a court would probably not force this until a tiny one was a bit older, if he's not usually a day-to-day carer (and especially, not the one the baby is used to seeing at night). Don't let him force you to go against your instincts on that one, unless you genuinely think it would be ok and beneficial for the baby.

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