Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Realising im gay in my 30's

(17 Posts)
Davinci33 Wed 26-Nov-14 21:47:01

Hi Everyone
I'm nervous about writing this, but I've read so many thread looking for answers and support, so I thought I'd write my own.
I've been in a straight relationship for over 10 years with one DC. After a very upsetting year falling for a female friend......I'm realising i think im gay. It's been very difficult to come to terms with and I'm still not there. I'm currently seeking counselling and I have been honest with my partner about how I feel. It didn't come as much of a shock as I've always been openly bi + plus he's seen me hit rock bottom over my thoughts about my sexuality and now he just wants me to get some clarity and be happy.
I've had 1 brief relationship with a woman and lots of female encounters previous to relationship.
But now something inside has been woken up.....and now I can't stop thinking what it would be like for me to be with a woman again. I've never felt particularly attracted to men, always said my partner is the only man I could be with.
I just feel there is this huge part of me that knows who I am deep down, and now it needs confronting. So I just wondered if anyone else has gone through the same experience and how they dealt with it? Especially with the family. My guilt is eating me up, the possibility of breaking up my family home is a daily struggle.
Advise would be good.

RaisingMen Wed 26-Nov-14 21:59:11

There is a thread here called turning the tables of something similar which is for women who are questioning their sexuality, I'll try and find it for you. Be true to yourself and be happy - life is too short to be anything but x

SanctuaryMoon Wed 26-Nov-14 22:12:55

Definitely seek out a thread called Turning Tavern. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through right now but I wish you all the best x

MajesticWhine Wed 26-Nov-14 22:15:30

It was the turning tavern. I don't know if it's still active. I'm comfortably bi but I used to hang out on the thread.
I haven't been through what you have OP but I think there are plenty of people here who have. So hopefully they will be along to advise. For me attraction to women is just a thing like being attracted to men so I don't need to act on it and it doesn't change my feelings about being with DH. But it sounds like you are are realising something quite fundamental about your identity. It's very difficult and for your partner too. you are fortunate if your partner is not pressuring you for a decision. I hope you start the counselling soon and get some help with this.

Davinci33 Thu 27-Nov-14 07:41:59

Thank you all, I've read the turning tavern thread and found it helpful.
Your right Majestic....I'm very lucky to have a patient partner. We're very good friends as well and been through a lot together. I think part of it is denial on his behalf too sad
I basically go through a daily cycle of waking up, trying my best to put it all to the back of my mind and convince myself I can't possibly be gay, then after a while feeling incredibly sad as I fe in total denial of who I am. Then all the guilt kicks in of the possibilities of breaking up my home......and repeat!! All these thoughts have made me feel very low.
hopefully the councelling will help me get the clarity I need.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 07:49:18

What you're really talking about here is getting permission to be unfaithful again. That's a dilemma as old as the hills. It doesn't actually matter if the person you want to be with is male or female, if it's not your partner then it's extraordinarily cruel to keep them twisting in the wind waiting for you to make your mind up.... however 'patient' they appear to be.

Finish your current relationship and then you're free to indulge yourself however you see fit.

Davinci33 Thu 27-Nov-14 08:00:46

Hi Cognito
I've never been unfaithful to my partner. I just fell for someone of the same sex, but I never acted on it. In fact I asked that we loose contact. Id never be unfaithful. I don't want to indulge in anything other than realising who I am, and been a better person than I am now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 08:42:10

I'm sure you believe that but it really isn't true. Emotional affairs can be just as powerful as physical ones, if not more. The very fact that the experience has thrown your whole relationship up in the air demonstrates exactly that. 'Realising who I am' when it involves landing your partner with that old chestnut .... 'I don't know what I want any more'..... and expecting them to meekly sit around waiting for you to decide if you're in or out is sheer self-indulgence and quite cruel.

Davinci33 Thu 27-Nov-14 09:27:11

I've been questioning my sexuality for years, not just because of what has happened this year, this hasn't just blown my relationship apart, I've been struggling with where I fit in for a long time. I love my partner dearly he is my best friend. Its taken a lot of courage for me to try and seek some advise. Thanks for knocking someone when there already down!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 27-Nov-14 09:28:50

Hi Davinci.
You've probably always known it deep down, but there's no reason for you to feel guilty at all. You have no control of who you fall in love with no-one does.

TtipParty Thu 27-Nov-14 09:37:41

I know what you're going through. I also fell for a female friend whilst in a straight relationship. Different in that my now ex was abusive and I needed to end the relationship anyway. She may have just,been the catalyst, although we never became properly involved. I'm not going to moralise but here to listen.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 09:49:28

Well all my sympathy is with the partner. Being told by a so-called best friend 'I don't know what I want' is a horrible position to be put in. Not loving at all.

Davinci33 Thu 27-Nov-14 10:28:17

Hi Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost, I think deep down its something I have supressed inside me for a long time. Somedays I just want it all to go away and me and partner be happy together. But its there all the time, who I am. I feel its so strong now I have to confront it. Me and partner are confronting it together, with me going for counselling and have even talked about couple counselling. I want what's best for everyone most of all my DC.
Hi TtipParty, im sorry to hear about your circumstance, but sound like you could happier now. I never meant to fall for my friend and tried everything I could not to feel that way about her. The feeling ending up been mutual and we decided to end our friendship because neither of us wanted to hurt anyone and it was for the best. I'm just scared of all this and feeling quite isolated. It not fun suddenly realising that you could be gay. Or having supressed something for years that is now coming to the surface.

CaoNiMa Thu 27-Nov-14 10:28:33

I was in a similar position three years ago. I left my male DP for a close female friend with whom I had fallen in love. My relationship with DP was on its last legs, and my female friend was the catalyst both for ending it with him and accepting that I was gay.

For a reason I won't go into here (the full story is on Turning Tavern III and IV!), I am no longer with her, but even though I'm on my own now, I am so much happier than I ever was in straight relationships. It's more difficult if there are children in the equation, but I think that if you're having these feelings, it's best to be true to yourself - the sooner the better,

Davinci33 Thu 27-Nov-14 10:40:01

Hi CaoNiMa, thank you for your advise smile

MajesticWhine Thu 27-Nov-14 10:53:18

By the way OP, there is a very brief piece in Jan 2015 edition of Psychologies magazine. Married woman thinks she is gay and a psychologist gives her view. It was quite an interesting answer. One of the comments that struck me was is that women can feel alone in their family environment and seek intense relationships with other women to fill the void, so primarily about emotional arousal, more than sexual. I think this is true of me, because attraction to women surfaced a lot more after I became a mum. The article also advises the person to explore her feelings and fantasies with her H. That's fine if you have a safe and loving relationship with your H, but obviously isn't going to work if you just don't want to be with him.
What I always think - but this is very personal - is why do people need to be gay or straight? We are so binary about this as if it must be one thing or the other. I know a lot of people feel very strongly that they must identify one way or the other, but it really doesn't work for me. Maybe the question for you is not so much "am i gay, and can I come to terms with it", but "do I want to still be in my current relationship?".
I'm rambling a lot. sorry.

Davinci33 Thu 27-Nov-14 13:39:32

Hi MajesticWhine
That's an interesting view, ill look that post up thank you. I can see that for some women. But for me I feel this is something that has just been laying dormant.....its like I haven't allowed myself to really think about that side of myself, I mean I have at times, but then I put it back in its box.
I also use to think "you just who you like" as someone who has been openly Bi I just thought why do we have to pick a team. I just like who I like. But honestly I've always said if it wasn't for my partner now I would be with a woman. I look at women that way, I never look at men that way. I think I just took the Bi status as a way to shut this all out. Gosh I don't confused and its upsetting.
Your right I need to ask myself about my current relationship. I'm scared the whole thing completely overwhelms me. But its something I can no longer just ignore. Thanks for your advise x

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: