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Please help, I can't have my H back in the house we jointly own and I have nowhere to go - why can't I find information about seperating and mortgages!?

(26 Posts)
StarShank Wed 26-Nov-14 20:52:06

Hey guys.

After many years of drug abuse and suicide attempts I've given my husband an ultimatum: Either engage in drug services/rehab or we can't live together. But I can't find any clear info on the internet about what happens to mortgages after separation? Surely loads of people go through this :/

Would the money we get from the house be split equal ways then the remaining amount to pay on the mortgage be split equal ways? Basically I'm trying to price out what I could afford to buy.

What happens in the 3-4/whatever months it takes to sell the house?

Lets say we sell the house for £220k, we have £120k left to pay on the mortgage, so would I be left with a 60k mortgage and 50k in my bank account?

Back story: He is currently in AandE after yet another OD. After the last one three months ago he suggested complete soberiety, he lied to my face for months about it. Slowly over the last month I have caught him looking wreaked and he has admitted to taking benzodiapines and speed-type drugs. He buys research chemicals off the internet. He kept saying he was tapering off benzos (for the 5th time in his life) and kept saying he did not want drugs in is life, he wants to be clean. But he turns down all the help offered (partly to keep working full time, but even the things the NHS arranged outside of work hours).

Today I came home to him off his head, completed surrounded by an INSANE amount of drugs brought off the internet, must have been 20 different types, hundreds of pills and powders. He told me he wasnt safe and has taken so much he didnt remember what they were so i called an ambulance, again.

I'm already a complete wreak from living in fear after last time and the time before, the time before...repeat * 10? I've lost count, and four years ago when he was in ICU for 3 weeks after a really serious OD. I can't go back to living in fear. He knows how scared I am about it and he knows how much I dislike drugs and he just carries on and lies about it.

The hospital are going to discharge him soon I'm sure and he will be back here and I don't know what to do.

Quitelikely Wed 26-Nov-14 20:58:16

If the house sells for 200k. Estate agent fees, solicitors fees, the money you still owe on the mortgage will be deducted and the remainder will be shared equally between you and your partner.

StarShank Wed 26-Nov-14 21:11:16

Oh OK, so 220k-120k mortgage = 100k
100k - fees= 90k?ish?

So I will be mortgage free with about £45k in my bank? ROUGHLY?

Quitelikely Wed 26-Nov-14 21:38:27

Yes that's right. Although estate agents fees and solicitors fees aren't going to cost anything like 10k more in the region of 3k depending where you are

3mum Wed 26-Nov-14 21:40:09

I agree with Quitelikely (I used to be a lawyer and this was my area of specialisation).

Until you sell the house you are both liable on the mortgage. So if he doesn't pay you have to or the mortgage company will foreclose and sell the house to redeem the mortgage. If possible try not to let that happen as they will sell for a crap price.

When you sell the house the mortgage comes out first from any sale proceeds. So if the house sells for £220k and the mortgage is £100k you will have £120k left. Out of this you will have to pay the costs of sale (solicitors and estate agents fees). So let's assume that is another £20k. That leaves you with £100k.

If you are joint owners and there is no agreement to the contrary (and assuming there is no reason otherwise e.g. only one party contributed the equity in the house), you will split the sale proceeds equally. So you would get £50k on my figures.

BUT you will need his cooperation to sell i.e. he will have to sign the contract, the enquiries before contract and the transfer. If he will not sign anything you can go to court and get an order for sale but this will cost time and money so best if he co-operates.

Hope that helps.

StarShank Wed 26-Nov-14 21:48:41

Thanks guys, that is so helpful!

I live in the southeast (hampsire), do you think fees will be more towards 3k or 20k? (never sold a house before, we were firs time buyers and have only been here a year).

He should cooperate (or die in the process )no joke), his wage is the minimum wage so he couldn't afford to live here anyway. Still, people are unpredictable.

Mumblechum1 Wed 26-Nov-14 21:55:38

I'd expect the conveyancers fees to be around £1.5k inc vat. Estate agents typically charge around 1.5%, so £3.7k ish inc vat. Then there may be fees for the photos and EPC, removals etc. I'd budget on £7k in all.

3mum Wed 26-Nov-14 21:56:13

Sorry, didn't mean to scare you with my fees, which were just an illustration. Estate Agents fees are normally 2-2.5% of the gross sale proceeds. Sometimes you can negotiate it down and it is always worth a try.

Solicitors should gave you a fixed fee based on value. Not sure about the prevailing rates in Hampshire, but I'd be really surprised if it was more than £1000 plus VAT. Shop around and don't be afraid to ask for quotes. Just a tip, licensed conveyancers are every bit as good their jobs as solicitors and are often cheaper.

Mumblechum1 Wed 26-Nov-14 21:57:01

I presume that you don't have children by the way but if you do, you may well get more than half of the net proceeds.

something2say Wed 26-Nov-14 21:57:07

Re him coming home, would you be interested in applying for a DIY occupation order? Google it...

StarShank Thu 27-Nov-14 08:13:10

He ran away from AandE, currently missing. Just waiting for the police to tell me he has jumped off something high.

I'm living in a nightmare sad

Sorry to be dramatic. I'm alone in the house, don't know what to do.

StarShank Thu 27-Nov-14 08:13:49

I love him do much

StarShank Thu 27-Nov-14 08:14:15


Mrwillywonkasbitch Thu 27-Nov-14 08:20:07

By the sounds of it he doesn't want help and there really isn't anything you can do. until he is ready then he will stop, sorry your going through this

Emstheword Thu 27-Nov-14 08:43:21

Sorry you're in such a desperate situation...are there children involved too? It's worth talking to someone like the CAB so you can get a feel for all of your options. You can't help this man if he won't help himself. Look after You for now.

StarShank Thu 27-Nov-14 11:52:15

No kids. Just waiting to hear from the police.

StarShank Fri 28-Nov-14 13:21:47

He turned up, drunk and abusive. Police and ambulance came, convinced him to go back to hospital finally. He absconded again and came back to the house, luckily he went to his parents after saying he didn't love me now and wanted a divorce. He took his keys with him sad I know I have no legal right to keep him out the house.

What do people do while separating? We can't live together and we can't afford to pay for two houses... I just want to sell this house.

My neighbour literally thew my post at me this morning and walked off, they are normally chatty and friendly, sure they are annoyed with us wreaking the quiet of thier street.

If I gave my savings to my mum to hold onto for me would that stop him from getting half?

Sorry to ask so many questions I'm not thinking straight.

StarShank Sat 29-Nov-14 03:47:45

Back in a and e to stop him absconding again. They can't keep him against his will.
3.30am. Keep dozing off but when his sats drop the alarm goes off and freaks me out.

He woke up and was lucid for about an hour, remembers nothing of the past 3 days.

Can't stop thinking about what I should do. I know I've got to go to work next week.

I don't want to live in that house, it's tainted and I'm so embarrassed with the neighbours. I can't carry on coping with his drama but he can't stay at his parents forever. I also have no legal right to kick him out.
I don't know if he has a job to go back too. I'm pretty sure he burnt all his nvq work... He needs to complete his course to do his job.

Do I say I want to seperate and buy a flat? He will get a lump sum if he then spends that when we do divorce will he be entitled to half my new flat?! I thought I'd be able to keep my savings if I gave them to mum but few people on finance forums have said he would still be entitled to them.
Do I say you can come back in a few weeks under strict conditions E. G engage in intensive rehab and once I get a sniff of drugs I'm off?
If he loses his job which looks likely we can't afford to live in the house anyway.

No wife, no job, the fall out from this is a recipe for suicide for him.
I feel well and truly screwed while also aware I have to function at work.

Omg I'm so stressed.

peasandlove Sat 29-Nov-14 05:20:52

god you poor chook. What a whole heap of shit to deal with. Can I just say, take one thing at a time right now

larrybadler Sat 29-Nov-14 06:31:07

Star, I'm so sorry you are in such a horrible, desperate situation. Do you have support from Al anon or similar? (Not sure if they do substance misuse or just alcohol bit they would understand living with an
addict). You must be so worn out. Keep talking to us. I don't know anything about your financial situation but someone here will. We're with you.

HoleyJoe Sat 29-Nov-14 09:48:23

How long have you been married? And how did he live before you got together? It sounds as if you paid for the deposit and most of the mortgage? Most of the big celebrity bust up deals are about wives NOT being given a full 50% of the assets, so if you can show that he has played no part in supporting your career, done no childcare, paid minimum contributions to your bills and mortgage you may be able to protect your savings?

I would talk to a solicitor .

Seeking some help and support is a good idea. You could call Alcoholics Anonymous and ask if they know of a support service for someone in your situation. Also Women's Aid , since he comes home abusive. Talk to your GP, too: s/he must know about your H's issues, and you may be able to be prescribed counsellling to help you through this.

Really sorry, it sounds a terrible situation , and although you have love for him, unfortunately that can't help him. Addicts are in service of their addiction and nothing else. He may think and say he loves you, but he can't while his drug compulsion rules him. So the love you feel simply ends up leading you to destroy your own life.

I speak from experience. But luckily I had had a miraculous shred of self preservation that held me back from marriage.

Get expert support / counsellling
See a solicitor
The neighbours can strangle themselves in their own hitched up judgey pants. However if you know her well enough, pop over, apologize for the disturbance and say you are sorting the situation out but it will take time.

Good luck, OP, keep strong and put yourself first. Your job, your health, etc.

Kundry Sat 29-Nov-14 10:08:26

Monday morning you need to see a solicitor. You do have options especially as he is abusive - for example you may be able to get a Non Molestation Order to keep him away from you or an Occupation Order to say that only you can live in the house.

But you need to see a solicitor!

StarShank Sat 29-Nov-14 11:45:35

Thanks everyone. I need to go to the CAB and see a solicitor. Got work all week but I'll go one afternoon. I'm having counselling and also go to Al anon.

Just got to take it one day at a time. He is being assessed atm by psych services. His parents have also mentioned paying for rehab.

I need to keep strong and not just accept him back regardless. It's so hard to be strong when I just feel so lonely without him sad I'm so weak.

StarShank Sat 29-Nov-14 13:31:20

I just want him to accept help and come home sad

HoleyJoe Sat 29-Nov-14 13:44:25

I know, OP, but seriously he won't ever get help and use it if he CAN come home.

Look up 'enabling'.

You have been very brave and honest admitting your fear of being alone . This is a point of vulnerability for both of you. You need a life that gives you strength, confidence and the support of friends and your fear of being alone will vanish. Being tied to a man who threatens your material and emotional stability also takes away the self esteem that makes being single a string position to be in.

He will continue to challenge your love for him in an ever increasing spiral of destruction, a self fulfilling career of trying to prove you don't love him enough to put up with his latest stunt. He needs to love himself enough to confront what is destroying his life, and you need to support him by refusing to engage with his destructive dance.

Instead of considering that his threats of suicide (which he has quite obviously used to manipulate you in the past ) are a reason to stay with him and support him, see it in another light: that your cry of 'but I love him' simply enables him to continue to wreck his life, and yours with it. Enabling is no way to love someone, however counter intuitive it feels. This is why partners of addicts need expert experienced support.

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