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At what point do you tell your ex that you are in a new relationship?

(27 Posts)

Just that really.

I have been separated for a year & have been seeing someone for a couple of months. DC have met him so may well have let something slip already.

I feel dishonest not telling him but on the other hand, what if he doesn't want to know? And I suppose it's really none of his business... I just don't want to look back & think 'I wish I'd handled that better...'

Any advice?

yours Wed 26-Nov-14 18:44:45

It's none of his business.

It wouldn't occur to me to tell my ex I was seeing someone.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 26-Nov-14 18:44:54

I'm sorry but I don't think you should have let your DC's meet your BF, it's far too soon IMO.

They will probably tell your ex, so I'd suggest telling him yourself so your DC's aren't the messengers...

yours Wed 26-Nov-14 18:46:31

Do you really care whether your ex knows and what he thinks? Why?

Cabrinha Wed 26-Nov-14 18:47:57

Why are you responsible for handling your ex?

If I still cared about an ex who had been decent to me and it was an amicable split and I thought he'd want to know - I might say. Otherwise - meh. He'll work it out.

Are you going to tell him every time you end it and start it? (obv I'm hoping this works for you though!)
Of course not. He's an ex. Updates not required.

My ex and I are seeing other people now. We both know, though not a word has been said.
Statistics says you're going to smile

Don't tell him if you don't want to. If that later causes an issue, it's him handling badly not you.

Handywoman Wed 26-Nov-14 18:54:56

Oh it took precisely 3 minutes for the boringly predictable, irrelevant and uniquely Mumsnet 'sorry but two months is too soon for your dc'

confused

cavkc Wed 26-Nov-14 18:55:22

Before my DH and I introduced our children to one another we mentioned it to the ex's. Nothing to do with them in terms of our relationship but we still share children so considered it 'polite'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Nov-14 18:56:16

If you tell him, what if he starts questioning you, will you feel obliged to disclose more, at what point do you think actually it's none of his business...

Is ex the DCs' father? Usually on MN depending on the age of the DCs posters reckon DCs need to have lots of time to process a split and consequently the change in circumstances way before a new DP emerges.

Chipped - I knew someone would say that!

I do still like & respect my ex (usually)
- if it was me I'd want to know, but we are very different people.

Cab - that's a good point about it being him handling it badly if he gets shitty about it later, thank you.

Handywoman Wed 26-Nov-14 18:58:42

I mentioned it to my ex once I knew the dc were going to meet the new boyf. This was so that the ex would be ready to field any permanent emotional scarring sorry I mean questions.

Ha, thank you Handy - I didn't mention the ages of my DC did I?? Or in what circumstances they have met my new man?

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 26-Nov-14 19:00:18

I don't think you owe it to your ex to tell him but I'd think of it as would you rather he mention it you of it was the other way round.

And YANBU letting your new DP meet your DC that's a decision only you can make and no one has the right to judge you for that

LineRunner Wed 26-Nov-14 19:04:03

I don't think there can be a hard and fast rule. So much depends on your unique circumstances.

Cabrinha Wed 26-Nov-14 19:10:19

I explained to my disney obsessed 4.5yo that mummy and daddy were just not "one true loves" and that was why we both decided not to be married. (actually I decided it cos he kept shagging prostitutes, but hey ho)

That very evening she said "mummy, I think you should both find your one true loves!"

She has remained utterly unphased by the split and subsequent new partners.

You have to make your decision based on your own child. No-one else can.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 26-Nov-14 19:26:46

You don't have to agree with what I say, but putting your children in the position where they may "let something slip" to your ex isn't fair. Especially if you don't know what his reaction will be and the new BF has only been around for a couple of months.

Fair point Chipped.

smokinggnu Wed 26-Nov-14 22:22:05

I used a rule if they met DC then it was worth tipping ex off as to what was going on in DC life. But it was very information light. 'Girls met (name) of partner last weekend and do you want a copy of their school reports?'

catrin Wed 26-Nov-14 22:36:25

AFAI am concerned, it is NONE of XH's business what I do. I know the MN wisdom states that children can only meet the new partner on your 5th wedding anniversary - I decided I would prefer my dd to meet my new whatever one would call him fairly early on, under very innocuous circumstances. This was because if she didn't like him/reacted badly to him, then I wouldn't bother investing more time in a new relationship.

Additionally, if I mentioned going away for the weekend, (man still not been here, 5 months in) I didn't want dd to lie. If she asked if I was seeing new man for weekend, then yes I was. I do not want her to lie, it is not a secret. But he is not in her life, she spends no time with him. He is a name. He could be anyone.

lostmymarblesbutfoundthewine Thu 27-Nov-14 08:37:28

I told mine and also told him before I introduced the children.

we still get on in general, and didn't want the kids saying something then being questioned.

ALSO as the precedent has hopefully been set when he meets someone who Hes ready to be serious with hopefully he'll show me the same courtesy

Mammanat222 Thu 27-Nov-14 09:17:29

I think if the kids have met new partner then it is only fair to give the Ex a heads up.

I assume you have an OK-ish relationship?

I think if kids will be spending anytime with this man in the future its the decent thing to do.

Think about what you would want if the situation was reversed.

makeitabetterplace Thu 27-Nov-14 09:21:11

I was getting regular 'I miss you, can we work it out' emails and texts from my ex. I just ignored them. In the end I did reply to one saying that I was with someone else, was very happy and hoped he could move on with his life too. The a-hole had cheated on me for two years and I will admit that I took pleasure in telling him but I was nice about it and only did it as he kept emailing and I wanted it to stop.

Parasites Thu 27-Nov-14 10:06:25

I told mine I was "spending time with x" before ds met his as didn't want ex to hear it from ds. I wouldn't like to hear from ds that he'd been spending time with daddy's new friend y. (Although that is how it happened!)

I also introduced ds to my DP early on but in play date scenarios to see if we could all fundamentally get on.

MN is full of BS rules about stuff like that. Do what you feel is right.

Lovingfreedom Thu 27-Nov-14 10:49:37

Whenever you want to, or never...its up to you. I don't tell my ex anything about my social life. I keep the kids informed and it's totally up to them what they tell their dad. I don't take any interest in his life either and if the kids say anything it's a 'that's nice dear' from me.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 10:53:12

I don't think you need to "tell".

I've a new boyfriend. Very early days. He may well (most likely will) pick me up from the house in the next week or two and as such he'll "meet" DD. She already knows I am seeing someone and is absolutely unfazed. She's 16 tho.

Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean I'll be moving him in, and I think it's good for older kids to see that you date someone and if it doesn't work out you can ditch them and that you can be just as happy single.

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