I've been posting on and off here for over year. Physical abuse turned to emotional abuse (which i found worse) after I called police. It's taken me a long time, in and out of this, being hoovered back in, coming to terms with what it will mean to instigate a divorce, losing lovely house, my dd not going to school near us (secondary!! she's 6) - got over the last hump re school last night by talking to a friend who made me realise the school I so desired wasn't that great and other ones are just as good (without knowing why i was discussing it). Remembered last night that when i left in jan my dd was absolutely fine because i told her it was fine and never ever cried in front of her (he did, then she was upset, but not with me). And came home today to her telling me that she got shouted at for something today and then my fw dh told her not to tell me because it would mean i would make him leave. Nice - to a 6 year old!
I am going to leave - get through xmas for dd and then wham. Serve papers.
My plan is:
- Monday - go to one stop shop and ask for help as I need it. I can't rent - rents round her are higher than my salary. I have nowhere to go - massive reason why I haven't left - how on earth do i cope with serving divorce papers when we still both live here - hoping they can advise.
- This week I am going to write my own divorce papers to save cost but book to see my solicitor to check over and possibly ask the mto send to him in jan with some sort of letter warning about kicking off (depending on what one stop shop say about this on monday).
I'm actually feeling happy - i know i can do this now and it's all thanks to reading this page every single night at bedtime and seeing so many other women doing it. So many of the things that people talk about are so resonant with me. he is truly following a pattern and nothing he does is unique - it's all part of an abusers pattern.
Yay! found it really hard to cope with idea of splitting up dd's family but really - she will be fine. Can't stand her seeing the shit. At weekend he lost something and said something awful to me which upset her and I called him a selfish horrible man in front of her - don't want that - that's not me. I have a fantastic relationship with her and she trusts me - she tells me everything he says to her and asks me not to tell him - that's what we're living with - a 6 year old walking on eggshells!
Just had to write this down so I have it documented and I remember - I can do this!