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Yes! I am going to actually do this! LTB. EA and PA

(9 Posts)
sus14 Wed 26-Nov-14 18:28:43

I've been posting on and off here for over year. Physical abuse turned to emotional abuse (which i found worse) after I called police. It's taken me a long time, in and out of this, being hoovered back in, coming to terms with what it will mean to instigate a divorce, losing lovely house, my dd not going to school near us (secondary!! she's 6) - got over the last hump re school last night by talking to a friend who made me realise the school I so desired wasn't that great and other ones are just as good (without knowing why i was discussing it). Remembered last night that when i left in jan my dd was absolutely fine because i told her it was fine and never ever cried in front of her (he did, then she was upset, but not with me). And came home today to her telling me that she got shouted at for something today and then my fw dh told her not to tell me because it would mean i would make him leave. Nice - to a 6 year old!

I am going to leave - get through xmas for dd and then wham. Serve papers.

My plan is:

1) Monday - go to one stop shop and ask for help as I need it. I can't rent - rents round her are higher than my salary. I have nowhere to go - massive reason why I haven't left - how on earth do i cope with serving divorce papers when we still both live here - hoping they can advise.

2) This week I am going to write my own divorce papers to save cost but book to see my solicitor to check over and possibly ask the mto send to him in jan with some sort of letter warning about kicking off (depending on what one stop shop say about this on monday).

I'm actually feeling happy - i know i can do this now and it's all thanks to reading this page every single night at bedtime and seeing so many other women doing it. So many of the things that people talk about are so resonant with me. he is truly following a pattern and nothing he does is unique - it's all part of an abusers pattern.

Yay! found it really hard to cope with idea of splitting up dd's family but really - she will be fine. Can't stand her seeing the shit. At weekend he lost something and said something awful to me which upset her and I called him a selfish horrible man in front of her - don't want that - that's not me. I have a fantastic relationship with her and she trusts me - she tells me everything he says to her and asks me not to tell him - that's what we're living with - a 6 year old walking on eggshells!

Just had to write this down so I have it documented and I remember - I can do this!

Quitelikely Wed 26-Nov-14 18:36:13

You are doing the right thing especially if you don't want your dd to marry someone like her daddy. He's a terrible role model and he is already emotionally abusing your daughter by burdening her with false emotional worries.

I hope you can see that staying for your daughter is pointless when she is being damaged by the man who claims to be her father and love her.

An important point: your dh is very likely to have grown up in an abusive household, either witnessing abuse or being subjected to it. This is not an excuse but a reason as to why he is the way he is. To all mothers reading this please save your children from abuse. If you don't it will impact upon their future just like in the above scenario. Do not fool yourselves that they don't see the abusive and they are shielded from it. Not true. Abuse produces complicated dynamics and children tend to know what goes on.

Be brave. Detach. Be safe. Then leave.

sus14 Wed 26-Nov-14 18:44:12

Yes having seen what's happened with his siblings kids who are adult I strongly suspect his childhood was like that- they're repeating the pattern. Hoping at age 6 my dd is young enough not to. I should have left 6 years ago when he first hit me - but I ve found this an incredibly difficult mental journey. I suppose that's the thing about emotional abuse. It messes with your head.

Cabrinha Wed 26-Nov-14 18:52:24

Well done!
My daughter was 4 when I left (cheating not EA/PA) and you know, I really would say the younger the better - I think it only gets harder for children to cope as they get older.
Good luck!! X

sus14 Wed 26-Nov-14 18:54:41

Well I was here in sept. but I got ill and just ran out of drive. I am hoping that going to the one stop shop will access me some rl support. I had my first ever panic attack when I broke a plate that belonged to his mum last week. Showed me how serious my situation was.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 26-Nov-14 19:00:46

Oh, it totally does. If your friend were in this position you'd have no hesitation in recommending that she LTB forthwith, but from the inside the picture is so distorted that leaving seems impossible and wrong, when actually it's right and necessary, and surprisingly do-able. Living with someone you're in the process of divorcing is no cake walk, true enough (been there, done that, threw the T-shirt at him), but trying to hold together a relationship with an abusive FW is the short route to insanity.

sus14 Wed 26-Nov-14 19:47:03

I'm going to give myself short and key targets . Step 1 this week drafting petition. Step 2 monday seeing one stop shop and asking for help. Step 3 seeing solicitor . Then Christmas. Then - big breath - execute final plan. It simply cannot be worse than planning and worrying about it for a year. I ve been so worried about effect on dd but have started to notice that as he does y dare to shout at me- he s being worse with her .

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 26-Nov-14 21:25:35

Hi OP. It's only a thought, but my cousin's DDs, then both under 10, regarded eating toast and jam in a bedsit on Xmas Day as the best present they ever had. They'd left in early December with what they could carry and a fiver. Cuz is happily remarried to a non-arsehole and the DDs are happy women.

sus14 Fri 28-Nov-14 17:10:28

Right, so I have an (expensive - as I've already had my initial appt) appointment with a solicitor on the 12th and I've got a plan for that meeting, I'd be so grateful if anyone who has been through this can advise on anything else I should ask so that I don't need another meeting too soon! I actually cannot in anyway afford a divorce through the courts but I also can't stay as I am, so we shall have to see what happens...

I plan to discuss with the solicitor:
* my divorce form, which I will have drafted, plus the form from mediator saying fw hasn't agreed to mediation
* 2 options I have in mind to put to his solicitor. 1) we stay in the house until my dd is 12 (will be 5 years by the time we get to that point) which means he can only afford a v small 1 bed flat with the 25% equity i can raise at the mo - he can have the other 25% when she is 12 - we live behind an excellent school where all her friends will go and I want toget her into it - can't afford to stay in catchment area. option 2) is to go for 60% which puts me in the area to transport her to current primary but she will go to a different secondary to the rest of her classmates
* i need to ask if I can get the divorce form sent back to her so that she can give it to me with a letter to him perhaps warning about kicking off which I can leave for him and escape for a weekend to allow him to calm down.

does that sound a way forward?

I've found my journal which I had hidden so well so going ot update it in the week with the logs I've made in my phone the last 6 months so all the abuse is handily available for me to read in doubtful moments.

terrified, worried about hurting him so much, it's madness that i feel like that .

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