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Someone talk some sense into me!

(66 Posts)
ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 16:14:41

I have NC for this as I'm embarrassed and will probably sound like an idiot...

The last few years of my 15 year marriage have been rather unhappy. I gave up my career to have children and be mainly a SAHM with a boring part time job. Had PND and then steadily sank into a downward spiral of depression and comfort eating. Completely forgot who I was and totally lost my mojo. Fat, frumpy, mush brain etc...

Meanwhile my DH had an on/off affair and we nearly split up twice.

We are supposed to be having a final attempt at patching up our marriage up. He's been seeing a therapist (lots of issues) and trying really hard. He's become 'Super DH'. But I find it irritating having to constantly pat him on the back for trying so hard. I feel he should have been more sympathetic towards me in the first place and recognised I needed support when I was unwell... Instead he just kept buggering of for evenings out with OW.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment several months ago when a lovely man in a social situation paid me some attention. We just chatted and, bearing in mind I was overweight at the time, he said he thought I looked lovely and had really enjoyed talking to me.

Since then we have stayed in touch via social networking and seen each other two more times - in company with my DH present.

I have stopped feeling depressed and (almost effortlessly) lost weight. Sorted out my clothes, hair, makeup etc and feeling much more positive. Also applying for jobs.

Our exchanges have been mainly harmless discussions about cake recipes and music, exchanging amusing posts etc. But he's been such a boost to my confidence.

Recently he's started sending direct messages more often and signing off with a X. We are supposed to be meeting up in a couple of weeks (a social occasion with DH present).

I'm finding myself thinking about him more and more. Holding back and not reciprocating the x. But I'd really like to meet up with him for lunch and a proper chat. Scared... because I so would!

Talk some sense into me!

AnyFucker Wed 26-Nov-14 16:32:46

End your ridiculous marriage before you consider anything new. That is all.

In fact, end your ridiculous marriage anyway. Your husband is a pig who doesn't respect you.

overslept Wed 26-Nov-14 16:41:29

You have to decide what you really want. You can't have your cake and eat it. If you want to make things work with your DP and work past him having an affair then you BOTH need to be 100% committed to each other and the relationship. If you are finding yourself attracted to another man then maybe it is time to call it a day? Remember as well that the grass is always greener and you barely know this man. You were down and this man flattered you, your confidence was low and he complimented you, while that is nice it you need to be careful of being suckered in by kind words.

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 16:44:56

I take both your points, but....

What if this lovely man paying me attention just wants a fling? ie: no long term future in it. Bearing in mind the awful 'limbo' state of my marriage and (specifically) complete lack of sex for a LONG time...Would it be absolutely terrible to get involved with him?

I'm generally a very sensible person and this is the first time I've ever considered doing anything as rash as this.

Quitelikely Wed 26-Nov-14 16:46:32

Yes your husband is after you again but only because you have sorted yourself out. Where was he when you needed him most? Seeking comfort in the arms of someone else.

Despite this you took him back which indicates you wanted your marriage to work.

I know you're thinking about something with this other man but you need to ask yourself what sort of man is he if he goes after a MW?

You can either cool it for a month and try with your dh or just go for it but then you will do to your husband what he did to you. Even Stevens.

It's a bit of a mess really.

lemisscared Wed 26-Nov-14 16:48:38

What anyfucker said, because this man may well want just a fling or just flirtation. Leave your DH For you!!!

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 16:49:28

By the way overslept 'cake and eat it' is exactly what DH was doing for an inexcusable length of time. I have been patient to the point of stupidity.

AMumInScotland Wed 26-Nov-14 16:50:25

I don't think having an affair is a good idea. That's what you're asking, isn't it? Whether it is ok for you to be unfaithful because of what your husband did. Sorry, but I think the answer is always no. The old 'two wrongs don't make a right'.

If you believe your marriage is beyond salvage, then end it.

If you think there is still a chance to make it work, and you are prepared to make the effort you think it would take, then stop being in contact with a man you find tempting.

You know what? Life is short - I'd say go for it. It might be just what you need to break free from your 'D'H for good. Maybe the relationship will turn into something meaningful, maybe it'll just be a bit of fun that reminds you who you are. I'm quite irresponsible though.

overslept Wed 26-Nov-14 16:57:21

By the way overslept 'cake and eat it' is exactly what DH was doing for an inexcusable length of time. I have been patient to the point of stupidity.

While I see what you are saying, two wrongs do not make a right. Do you want to stoop to his low? If you want to leave, which it sounds very much like you do, then do it. He may only want a fling but that is a risk you will take dating anybody. I couldn't stay with a man who had cheated on me, but that is me. I certainly wouldn't start playing games and considering doing the same thing to them though.

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 17:01:36

Yes it may seem like a mess BUT I seriously haven't felt this good in ages. A year ago I was in a dreadful state. Barely living. Think sofa, biscuits, big fleece nightie and QVC... It was bad. So bad I actually bought a slanket because it seemed like a good idea...

Yes I'm suspicious. That's why I've been holding back. Are you saying that men that go after MW are always 'bad' and there is NEVER any future in it?

Yes I am legally married but emotionally and sexually haven't been for a few years now.

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 17:05:55

Chuck - I'm not at all irresponsible... But it has got me nowhere being sensible and endlessly patient.

PlumpingUpPartridge Wed 26-Nov-14 17:07:35

I think you need a divorce. Emotionally you're there anyway.

PatriciaHolm Wed 26-Nov-14 17:09:17

Either you are trying at your marriage or not.
If not, and I wouldn't blame you at all, then move out/move your husband out, split up, take the step. I can't see why you stay, tbh. Then see if this other man presents something that appeals.

If you are trying at your marriage, then drop the OM immediately. You need to decide.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 26-Nov-14 17:16:44

What has made you stay within this marriage to date given his actions?.

I think you need a divorce and time to heal rather than the other man's supposed affections. He simply sees an opportunity because he knows that you are emotionally vulnerable and in dire need of affection. This is really an emotional affair you're sliding towards here.

What about your children in all this; what do you think they are learning from you and your H about relationships here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing them?.

You cannot have your cake and eat it; you run the very real risk of being the bad person to your children here if you were daft enough to embark on an affair with this other man. You are still married to your H although he certainly checked out of this marriage a long time back. An affair is going to really make you look bad in their eyes and they will hardly say thanks mum, they will instead hate your very guts and no longer trust you at all.

Greekgoddess Wed 26-Nov-14 17:29:36

I agree with most of what you posted Attila except the last part.
I know of families where one parent or both had affairs - often for decades- and the children took it in their stride and felt it was none of their business. It's not fair to beat the OP with the 'children will hate you stick' because in my experience this is rarely the case.

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 17:31:01

I love Mumsnet for this kind of dilemma. Lovely Devils advocates..

I stayed because at first I didn't have the energy/strength to do anything else. Also for a while it felt it was best for the children. But there are also financial issues which mean a divorce has to happen in order for us to split and decide who gets to stay in the house (me). Unfortunately it's going to take a while to sort out.

simontowers2 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:32:39

Personally, i agree with somebody above who said life is short. It is. Have a fling, what's the worst that can happen? Your owe your husband nothing. Get the divorce sorted as well. If the fling is still going when your divorce happens, fine, if not, well no harm done.

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 17:34:18

I left him two years ago and basically could not work out how to survive and went back. Legal advice is he has to go. I asked him to go in September and he refused and talked me into trying to save things.... Can't work out if my heart isn't in it because my heart isn't in it if because I now have a diversion / alternative.

simontowers2 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:34:48

As for children hating you, i think it is very unwise to speculate on how they might react. Each situation is different. Obviously.

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 17:36:01

OR because ^

ILoveLeonard Wed 26-Nov-14 17:43:19

OK so say, for instance, I tell DH I DON'T want to work things out and ask him to leave, start divorce proceedings, DH refuses to leave (again) and I start seeing OM. Surely this would, if anything, make DH realise its best to just go? If I am unlucky enough to have fallen for a 'bad un' and it is short lived at least I will have gained my mojo back and my useless DH will be gone. Obvs I need to think of my DCs (something I have done constantly for the last few years). But I have to say this scenario sounds much better than my previous QVC slanket biscuit existence.

Greekgoddess Wed 26-Nov-14 17:45:29

Might it work to separate but live under the same roof for a while? Could you ask your H for some time apart and suggest he goes, based on his past behaviour?

You could have what they call here an 'exit affair'. It will make up your mind one way or the other. Perhaps. But bear in mind it may end badly, you could be dumped and your H refuse to have you back. How would that feel? Relief, or terror?

FelicityGubbins Wed 26-Nov-14 17:49:22

I don't know if seeing you with another man would push your husband to leave, but you do need to say the words "this marriage is over" regardless of another mans involvement or not.

Mono1 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:52:34

Oh thank goodness. I went to serve up DCs tea and some sense has come back to mumsnet. Life isn't binary. There is no right way to act just now but it sounds like you deserve some pleasure and enjoyment and this (potential) OM might just be the source. Give it a go. And if MN flames you for putting a x at the end of a message then just ignore it. Now is about you

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