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Nearly 6 months down the line and its still so hard

(15 Posts)
tornandhurt Wed 26-Nov-14 10:39:52

Hi all, I posted back in the summer having just discovered my DH of 4 years had been cheating. I received some wonderful advice from you all for which I am really grateful, so as well as posting an update I'm also after some more advice/reassurance.

To cut a long story short a lot happened since my original post. Despite DH trying to reassure me it was just a few kisses etc, I discovered a lot more had happened. Having poured his heart out and after a lot of shouting from me we decided to try and move forward. Fast forward 3 weeks and I discovered he had been in contact with an ex. His parents were friends with her family, banged into them and gave out his number. She called and text him, and he said he replied out of courtesy and to put her straight that he wanted no contact, but deleted everything from his phone because he didn't want it putting a strain on our already fragile relationship. My response - he needed to be "whiter than white" and he should have shown me the messages and explained the situation rather than trying to hide it as in doing so he's made himself look guilty.

Anyway, we've been working hard, but I still feel he really needs to make more of an effort. I feel worthless, second-rate and unattractive and I need him to make me feel special. This is all the more difficult because he still works with OW which is tearing me apart.

I'm torn because whilst I feel like this, I'm also worried that if I keep moaning I'll just push him away.

I appreciate this is a bit all over the place, but any suggestions from anyone thats been through this??

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Nov-14 11:24:09

Sorry you're having such a tough time. 'Forgiveness' and keeping the family together etc always look good on paper, especially when the alternatives are pretty grim, but this is the reality of life with a cheat I'm afraid.... it's an emotional and unpleasant experience with no guarantees that you'll feel any better than you currently do. You're quite right, he should be going all out to behave in a trustworthy manner rather than adding more fuel to your suspicions. If he's not managing to do that adequately and you're deeply unhappy then you have to start considering alternatives. It's not about pushing him away.... it's about standing up for your self-respect.

I only lasted a few months with my cheating DH before realising that, whatever he did or said, I'd never feel the same way again. He left me for his OW shortly afterwards and, even though it was very distressing to go through it all again, there was an element of relief.

tornandhurt Wed 26-Nov-14 14:17:26

thank you. I think to be honest you're explaining everything I'm feeling. At the time I desperately wanted to make it right and make it work, for myself and my children.......as time goes by though I feel more and more resentment towards him and I just don't feel its making enough effort.

Equally though there's still that little part that's trying to cling on......maybe now though I'm just not sure what the reason for that is x

skyeskyeskye Wed 26-Nov-14 14:35:50

sorry that you are going through this. Have you and your H had counselling about the affair?

I begged my XH to come back after he walked out suddenly and still wanted him back even after discovering OW, but I know now that in reality, I would have never been able to trust him again knowing that he was capable of such deceit.

If you can work it out, and some people do, then your H needs to be doing everything that he can to reassure you that it will never happen again. He needs counselling to look at why he did it.

You are right in that he shouldn't be hiding things from you. Far better to say, oh X got in touch, than to delete messages.

Is there any way that he can change his job so that he is no longer working with her? Not always simple I know.

Long term, you need to be able to forgive him in order to move on. If you are unable to do that, then there is no future. Not saying for one minute that you are wrong in that, but just saying that it will never work out if you can't at some point put it behind you both.

Perhaps you can look into counselling so that you can sit down and talk it through with somebody else.

tornandhurt Wed 26-Nov-14 15:13:47

TBH I have mentioned counselling, but he turned his nose up at it and was disinterested. His reasoning being he knows what he did was wrong and stupid and that it was down to the fact he felt he couldn't talk to me about things that were on his mind (i.e. money which is tight but no real issues etc etc). He felt he didn't need someone else to point it out to him when he already knew.

I've thought about perhaps going to counselling myself to see if nothing else whether it can make things a little clearer in my own head to decide whats best long term.

Some days are better than others. I'm always terrible on a Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday as that's when she works. Equally if he's doing a late shift I'm on edge. At the moment there's no possibility of a move in job. He tried to be moved when I first found out and was offered another position at another store. Unfortunately, he couldn't accept as OW's husband worked there!!! He's made such a mess of things its untrue.

Sometimes when he's working on a saturday I take the car so I can get out and about with the children, so I'll pick him up from work. Honestly, walking in that place is the hardest thing ever. Everyone knows what happened between them and who I am and I just feel like people are either looking at me thinking I'm some kind of idiot or worse pity me and seeing her swanning around like she doesn't have a care in the world just infuriates me to the point I want to knock her out (I appreciate that would be stupid but nonetheless it doesn't stop me thinking about it).

butterbeerfloat Wed 26-Nov-14 15:30:34

No real advice as I'm in such a similar situation but just four months behind you.
I've been really lucky in that we have moved town and he has moved jobs since, (he also worked with OW). If he was still there and seeing her there's just no WAY I could be coping. You're keeping very strong.

It's really a shame he didn't take the transfer, I assume OW's DH knows about the affair, which would be hard for your H but probably would've made moving on from this easier for you as all contact with her would be cut.

So so sorry you're going through this, I've never known pain like it.

butterbeerfloat Wed 26-Nov-14 15:32:13

Oh sorry for some reason I missed your last paragraph!

Again, can only sympathise. Know the feeling exactly OP!

JonesTheSteam Wed 26-Nov-14 17:30:54

9 months down the line here.

If you talk about the affair how does he react? Is he dismissive? Does he just want to pretend it didn't happen or is he willing to talk about it?

(Another one whose DH still works at the same place as the OW, but has very little to do with her as the site is enormous and she doesn't work on the same team, so I have every sympathy with your last paragraph too. Especially as she decided to send him a drunken email to his work email address on Hallowe'en anonymously from a different email address, wishing us well! Cheers love! Really kind... :-/ Oh, and her OH works there too, but knows nothing).

Quitelikely Wed 26-Nov-14 18:18:18

You poor thing. Some things just aren't worth it are they?

If you are forgiving this man then I hope he is wonderful in every way towards you and the dc or what is the point in putting yourself through this?

How long were they seeing each other? Does her dh know? Was it love? Did they stop only after getting caught?

tornandhurt Thu 27-Nov-14 09:36:18

Thanks guys for all your support and messages.

it comes up quite a bit - primarily because I still don't feel I have all the answers/information. As twisted as it may sound I have this urge to know every single little detail, and having spent best part of 6 weeks with him dripfeeding me information and continuing not to be honest, I wonder a lot what else he's still not told me. This is probably why I could do with some counselling regardless in honesty - its turned me into this paranoid person that I'm naturally not.

When we do talk he's quick to say that he's tried to block it from his mind to move on and make things right between us, and that his memory of the affair is sketchy because of this - honest or not? who knows!

JonesTheSteam - its an awful situation isn't it when they continue to work together and that's the thing its the odd call that either he or I gets on the mobile from a with held number in the middle of the night! - Her H knows - because of the company they work for and the different stores together with the fact my H has worked for them for 20 years news travelled like wildfire. Because we have so many friends there, her DH managed somehow to get my contact number and spoke to me directly. Felt sorry for him as he had absolutely no idea that anything was wrong.

Their affair was only brief - a few weeks - which I suppose ought to make it better, but it doesn't. I'm sure it would still be going on had I not caught them out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Nov-14 09:44:04

"he's tried to block it from his mind to move on"

So just because he can conveniently forget all about it you're expected to shut up and get over it.... hmm It's not twisted to know all the details. You've had to wring the information out of him so far and you clearly understand that he's not telling you half of what went on... or even what's still going on. He's a cheat, he's being mealy-mouthed with the truth, he has zero respect for your feelings and he has no concept of the meaning of the word 'remorse'.

He'll do it again...

JonesTheSteam Thu 27-Nov-14 10:27:03

It is hard re. the working together.

It's much less hard now that they don't work together on a regular basis as DH has done everything he can to minimise the work contact and a wonderful colleague of his who knows what happened has helped enormously with this too.

DH is starting a new job soon - same company but in a different department entirely and will have no reason to see her at all.

Her DH knows nothing. What has come out since the affair ended is that she is a practised cheat, with at least two other 'work-based' affairs behind her and has recently slept with another colleague.

I can only assume that her DH knows nothing or knows and turns a blind eye for whatever reason.

DH has always attempted to answer any questions I've asked him as honestly as he can. And like you, I've asked every detail. And he has told me things I would rather not know and he would rather not tell me as he knows it hurts me. But I asked him for that honesty and he has given it to me.

Even now 9 months on he is still willing to answer questions.

Of course he would rather 'forget' it happened. I think that's a normal gut reaction. God, I wish I could forget too.

But that's not the way to handle it and DH knows it and so do I. So we have the painful conversations and talk about it.

Your DH needs to be doing this at the very least.

butterbeerfloat Thu 27-Nov-14 10:34:11

I was the same about having to know the details. Well still am if any extra memory that comes up in my head and I think Oh, was that because he was with her? etc...
In the beginning he was still trying to "protect me" (or himself?!) and giving me sugar coated half-truths, but I couldn't stand it. I ended up having a LONG discussion with OW about what really happened (actually no hard feelings against her as she was under the impression my H was her DP and was devastated to discover my existence).
I can still contact her now if I need to follow up anything he's said or not said, which I do from time to time just for peace of mind. I hate that I trust her more than I do him but that's how it is at the moment anyway.

It's his responsibility now to face what he's done and face these details and why and how he could do it, blocking it from his mind isn't helpful for anyone because it's not just something you can say whoopsidaisy over and move on from as if it never happened.
My H's affair lasted weeks too, and had fizzled out before I found out. But it doesn't make it feel better at all, if it was one drunken night it would be SO much easier to recover from than what it was.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with everyone knowing about it, such a horrendous and painful situation.

butterbeerfloat Thu 27-Nov-14 10:38:50

Oh I forgot to add in that, that since the initial "trying to protect me" crap we've got right down to the nitty gritty now and a way that started us off being able to do so (I couldn't physically ask the questions I needed to and he couldn't physically say the answers) was to write each other letters. We always did/do so with the other sat there which helps us to show the emotions and expression etc but the letter thing really got the ball rolling on finding out the bits hardest to say.

Foxeym Thu 27-Nov-14 18:43:33

I tried to forgive my H affair with my friend and for a month I tried everything. He eventually went away to sort himself out? And while he was away it made me realise I didn't actually need him and I was trying for the DCs really. I knew deep down that I would never forget and it would come up time and time again, the trust was gone and my life would be miserable with the constant stress of would he do it again, so he left and moved in with OW. 2 years on and now he is alone after cheating on OW (my intuition was right) and I'm so glad I made the move. I'm with a great man and am really happy. You can move on and make a sometimes better life, don't put up with being treated badly because you think it's all you know. Unfortunately the odds stack that once a person cheats, they are more liable to do it again

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