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Working Away From Home

(36 Posts)
WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 09:01:24

Hi All,

I live in Birmingham and have been offered a dream job in London. The money is good, the company is good and the prospects are excellent.

I live with my partner (her council home) and her son, we have been together for about 18 months, been through a few ups and downs but have worked everything out and came back on a much even footing.

London is also where my own son lives, every second Friday I zoom down to London, collect him and bring him back home for a weekend with me in Birmingham.

Here's my dilemma - My partner, she does not want to relocate. Her family are here, her son who is disabled, attends a specialised school and for the 18 months we have been together, we have a a few to many rocky patches for her to be certain about moving.

We have talked options, I don't take the job and continue trying to find a better position up here.. (very few jobs and we have money issues). I commute on a daily basis, this is possible but would cost a fortune and the extra money from the job would be pointless. I find a Mon-Fri let, travelling down Monday morning and coming home on Friday evening. My partner has thrown in another option, I find a place of my own, she stay here in Birmingham and lives by herself. We effectively date.

She is very p*ssed off to say the least. She feels that I have been pressurising her, and you know, she is probably right. I have tried hard to see this as a positive, better home (in London), better area (we currently live in sh*tsville) and there would be a school extremely suited to her son. I would also be close to my own son. She just doesn't want to move - to soon, to many past issues, no period of stability. I get it, so fine.

I could work down there finding a cheap Mon-Fri let and come home every weekend. This again is not for her. She doesn't want to have me treating the home like a hotel and for her to be lumbered doing everything by herself - i.e. decorating etc.

Her solution is for me to take the job, move out of the home, find my own place somewhere closer to this new job. She can then go back on benefits, be secure (her words), I can be closer to my son and we can "see" each other.

I'm at a loss, her solution seems pretty crap. I have financially supported the home, paid the rent, council tax, etc. etc. and it felt like a family. Now with this new job, things have gone completely astray..

I know if I take the job it will be the end of us.. I don't know what to do!

Has anyone else experienced or been through this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Nov-14 09:15:05

If you're already having rocky patches, take the dream job and move to London. It'll probably mean the end of the relationship but maybe that's not a bad thing.

demoska1 Wed 26-Nov-14 09:28:42

Difficult times!
I suggest that you do what is right for you. Don't give up the opportunity of this dream job for someone who in my opinion is not offering you any support what so ever.
It is her choice to stay as she is in "sh**sville" and sit back and live on she really the type of girl you want to spend your life with? Equality, Trust, love, support, life goals etc etc.

WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 09:55:10

It is difficult times.. and the support doesn't feel like it is there. It is completely missing.

My DP is thinking about herself and her son. Making sure they are both secure. I know with this new role, financially I will be able keep a roof over our heads, pay all the bills and still save... Her choice, to go back on benefits just doesn't sit right with me, leaves me feeling completely uneasy. Separate homes makes me feel uneasy.

She will get by very well on benefits, the rent will be paid, council tax, she receives carers allowance, her son's disability allowance, working tax credits. It leaves her better off than many working people I know. Her priority, and I can't knock it, is her son and taking care of him.

Unfortunately the area we live in, the people she socialises with are all on benefits and do not work. It's a lifestyle choice I guess but not for me.

I would love to work it out, I have even suggest a trial period of 3 months to assess how we cope with me working away from home. Unfortunately this has just been poo-poo'ed. Her way or the highway.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Nov-14 10:04:01

Sounds like the relationship has run its course and/or you have very different ambitions in life.

CMOTDibbler Wed 26-Nov-14 10:04:25

In the situation you describe where your relationship isn't solid, you have a son in London (who you could see more of if living there), and your partner doesn't want to compromise, I'd call it a day tbh.
Go take your dream job, enjoy seeing your son more, and move on.

dreamingbohemian Wed 26-Nov-14 10:12:46

I think you should take the job and move on. You both have children that you should put first (I think this alone warrants you moving to London) and the relationship is not really that long or solid enough to sacrifice such a great opportunity. Neither of you are wrong really, you're just not in very compatible circumstances. It happens.

holeinmyheart Wed 26-Nov-14 10:34:50

Relationships go through very difficult situations. Much harder than your dilemma and survive. So this is my advice.
You should be allowed to better yourself, so go ahead and take the job. Leave your GF to go back on benefits and do what she feels is right for her and her son. After all her past is rocky and she may well be very frightened of change. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Her reluctance may well be coupled with her not being particularly into you as well. By moving you are about to find out.
Then, (let's not look on the black side.) you sort yourself out in London. Get a nice home together and maintain a relationship with her. She may well be poo pooing now, but when push comes to shove she will no doubt visit you and may well miss you a great deal. Don't go to Brum every week, just do as You want to. It is going to be hard to pay your way in London anyway and you will need to save.
Then what will happen is, that, either she realises that life without you is miserable and decides to move after all, or not.
It is manipulative for her to say 'if you move it's the end', but hey! Who hasn't tried that one to get their own way. ( blushes) don't believe her! Call her bluff.

Long distance relationships are not impossible, but this is going to be a test to see how you both really feel about each other. It is not necessarily the end.
Best of luck.

NancyJones Wed 26-Nov-14 10:50:43

I also think you should go. However, don't be too quick to assume as some pp have that she is lazy and just wants to live on benefits in a shitty area. She has a disabled son. This is a massive massive thing for a parent especially a single parent. You say she is close by to her family and to her son's school. Please don't underestimate how crucial both of these factors are to the parent of a disabled child. Imagine she uproots him and moves to London and he is unhappy or struggles to adapt and then you guys split for good. She is stuck having given up everything in Birmingham. I actually think she is making a very sensible decision.

Why don't you do as she suggests and see each other regularly. It may cause a permanent split but it may strengthen your relationship and develop into something stronger and she may then feel able to make the leap.

WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 11:15:10

I don't think she is lazy, oh no.. I've never thought that. She is a victim of circumstance and being a single mum to a disabled child is incredibly difficult. I know she wants to move away from where we are, to a better area but without help (someone working) will never be able to do so.

I absolutely see her point of view, yes what happens if she does head south and is incredibly unhappy. I know her family will be two hours away, not massive in the great scheme of things, but nipping by for a coffee, a chat or just seeing people you know easily will be a thing of the past.

It's a new area, a new beginning but scary and creates mountains.

I know we'll keep in contact and if I do leave on my own, we will keep seeing each other (or so she has said...) but this seems like a huge step backwards. I want to be able to work hard, provide for my family, improve our lives but my DP doesn't agree with how it will be achieved.

It may work and strengthen the relationship, she may come down, visit me etc.. I can only hope but need to be realistic.

I love her very much and this is difficult.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Nov-14 11:30:15

You keep talking about 'family' but that's not the way your relationship seems to be working. Families tend to have a vision of a better future and then find compromises & make sacrifices to get there. The baseline is 'the family stays together' and then find workarounds. Your dynamic is more like two independent people with very different visions of what they want out of life... and who just happen to live together. No-one is in the wrong, but you're not working as unit either.

forago Wed 26-Nov-14 11:32:50

move on i say too - if she really wants to, she will stay in touch. Put yourself and your son first.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 26-Nov-14 12:59:36

Sounds to me like she is seeing this as her 'get out of jail free' card!
Definitely take the job and see how it all goes.
A room in a house in a nice part of London will probably cost around £500 per month - that's an extra £6K PA. Then you'll have travel expenses every weekend which will be expensive.
Is this something that could work? Is the extra money enough?

WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 13:10:55

Yes, financially it is all workable. I was anticipating around £400-£500 for somewhere to settle and then travel costs on top of that. I could have also maintained the bills and home costs back in Birmingham

That was one of my compromises but it doesn't work or sit well with her.

The only options available and she is prepare to work with are, walk away from the job, I take the job, move down completely to London and she lives with out my financial help in Birmingham - we continue to see each other and finally option number 3 is take the job and break up.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 26-Nov-14 13:15:25

It's coming across as though she is just 'not that into you'
Take the job. Move down to London.
Be closer to your son.
Let her get her independence back.
See each other and see what happens.
I think it spells the beginning of the end.
You may meet the perfect person in your new life.
One where the first 18 months of the relationship aren't such hard work!

dreamingbohemian Wed 26-Nov-14 13:44:55

What are your objections to Option 2? a long distance relationship basically. Lots of people do this for years, and from greater distances. It must seem like a step back because you currently live together, but relationships can go through lots of variations. It might be feasible for some time and then who knows, perhaps a great job will come up in Birmingham, or London will seem more feasible to her when her son is older, etc.

I don't think you should turn down the job and you don't want to break up so why not give Option 2 a chance?

SeasonsEatings Wed 26-Nov-14 14:05:37

Go to London and see how she behaves, if she misses you?

It reads like she is packing you off and as someone else said no that into you tbh.

Get a place to live in London and stop paying for the home in Birmingham.

You may be under estimating the cost of living in London if you think you can rent somewhere half decent for �400-�500 a month? Which part of London are you looking to move to?

staplemind Wed 26-Nov-14 14:24:06

500 PM minimum + bills + transport/tube

demoska1 Wed 26-Nov-14 14:50:20

Such a stress and dilemma at a time when you should be celebrating a new opportunity and adventure.
I feel from reading your post that you are both "wobbly" in your relationship. I understand both sides of this issue but I sense that your DP is maybe using this offer of a new job as a "get out clause", so you will go and she does not have to "break up" with you. may be I'm wrong?!?
I suggest you grap this opportunity with both hands and move to London. See what happens. Your DP has made it clear she will be financially independent with out you which leaves you supporting yourself financially with out the worry of bills in "s***sville"
You will reap the benefit of being near your son and if your love/relationship is very strong then DP will make the effort to join you.
You only have one life and I beleive things happen for a reason..good and bad. If you stay down life will pass you by.

WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 15:02:26

Just got my marching orders from her. She wants me to pack my stuff and go. It's all been to much pressure for her.

She doesn't want someone like me, who has a young child, someone who has a hidden agenda about moving to London (her words). She doesn't want a part time boyfriend and would rather live on her own and date someone up here.

Because of this and how she has been pressurised she no longer loves me. She has said it is all my fault and I should not have moved here or in with her. She now says she has wasted all the time we had together.

She doesn't feel like she has been taken care of and doesn't need to do something she doesn't want to do (move).

I only offered her options, how it could work but this is how it ends.

It's really crap because I would never have considered, thought about this role if I knew it would get to this point.

I was messaged by a friend about the job and it seemed great. I told my DP, she obviously raised concerns about distance etc. I said I didn't know the answer but would like to see what the interview was like. She came with me and potter around the shops. She loved it down there. She even started to look at homes.

She was positive for a few weeks, or up until the 2nd interview. She started to get upset and said she didn't know what to do. Family up here, school etc. She would then have good days when moving seemed ok.

Anyway.. I was offered the job, she said she was not moving. I tried to offer solutions. It's ended like this.

I feel awful... I must have done so much wrong. sad

dreamingbohemian Wed 26-Nov-14 15:17:29

Ah sorry to hear that. Be honest with yourself, did you emotionally blackmail her at all or put tons of pressure on her? If not, then you didn't do anything wrong.

I know it must be very upsetting but honestly it's probably for the best. Try to focus on how much this might improve things with your own son, that's a huge positive.

WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 15:24:55

Yes, I know I did put pressure on her.. I tried to explain the positives, the job, what it could bring in the future, how I would put my all into taking care of her, her son, my son. We'd have a better home, in a nicer location, I tried to explain the finances, I tried to find and suggest compromises... I explained the compromises.. how they could work.

All along I did say that if it wasn't for us.. then that would be it and I would reject the job. I must have pushed to hard. Stupid really when I thought it would only enhance and improve our lives.

NancyJones Wed 26-Nov-14 16:04:54

You keep saying a nicer location. Is it a nicer location? Or is it just 'the South' and by your definition that makes it a nicer location? I'm just asking because it must be one heck of a pay rise to move from a crappy area of Birmingham to a nice part of London. I'm not having a go just trying to understand what you had offered her and whether it was close to the school she needed.

WibbleWobble1 Wed 26-Nov-14 16:31:10

Hi Nancy

Yes It would be a nicer location - just outside London, towards either Ascot/Windsor or Kingston/Hampton, basically leafy Surrey. We are currently near the Birmingham NEC, in a part of Birmingham that is not particularly nice.

The pay rise is substantial and would support any move or change. The schools which would support her son's disability would are relatively close. They offer a collection and return service.

It doesn't seem to matter now though.. she's made her decision and we are now over.. It ended up being her way or no way.. sad

demoska1 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:33:30

I am sad to hear that my suspicions were true. I do feel that your p had her own agenda and her mind was set weeks ago. I feel she is using this as a way to end things and as an excuse. Resulting in breaking your heart at a time when your future plans are wobbly.
Take a deep breath. Hold your head up high. Walk your London and see what pans out. Give her some space to think and you never know she may realise what she has lost.
Go quietly or you will back her into a corner and make her more stubborn.

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