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Mother doesn't like my DP

(8 Posts)
LaVieBoheme Tue 25-Nov-14 20:04:52

I've been with my DP for over 4 years now. My mum made is clear in the beginning that she didn't like her, my DM believed that she "groomed" me into a relationship despite a) being the same age, b) me asking her out and c) me already being gay.
Since then, my DM seem to have warmed to her (ie not saying anything bad but not particularly asking about her, iyswim).

However, today, I'm back at home for the night, my mum is in work until late. She left me a note to ask her to fix something on her laptop and as I opened the browser, facebook was open and a message to my auntie saying "LaVie is off to (place). The other one is going to Germany for 12 months too!!!!! :D" was open. My partner has recently moved there for 12 months so it's very obviously about her.

Basically, I can't really say anything because I should have just closed the tab but I just wish I could do something to make my DM like her. I feel like I'm some rebellious teenager who is dating someone "inappropriate" while in actual fact I'm an adult who is dating someone who makes me happy and never "groomed" me. I just needed to write this all down somewhere to get it off my chest! Any ideas how I can make my mum come round to my DP?

staplemind Tue 25-Nov-14 20:18:31

Is four DP your first serious gay partner?

heyday Tue 25-Nov-14 20:18:37

Sadly you can't make somebody like or love somebody else if they don't want to. Perhaps you could ask your mum if she likes your DP and see what the response is. Do they ever spend any time together so your mum can form more insight into your DP and perhaps grow to like her more.
Could it be that your mum is quietly slightly unhappy that you are gay and she sort of blames this other woman for that?
It's unlikely that things are going to radically change so why not just enjoy your relationship with your DP and let your mum get on with her own life.
If you keep telling your mum how happy she makes you then the message might just sink in but as an adult is your mums approval really that important to you? As long as she is not being rude or nasty to your DP then there is probably not a lot you can do really.

LaVieBoheme Tue 25-Nov-14 20:22:19

Staple: Pretty much, although she has meet one not so serious girlfriend before.

Watch: She's said multiple times she doesn't care about my sexuality and she loves me no matter what but I guess she could just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. I do tend to just leave her to it and kind of keep my relationship separate from her, it just really got to me today, probably just hormonal!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Nov-14 05:58:24

I think you need to talk to your DM and defend your choice of partner more strongly than you may have done in the past. If you are wishy-washy about your choices, others can interpret it as you not being serious. If she has a real problem with your partner .... and I've been there in the past and family concerns have been proved right .... then give her one chance to articulate it. If she has no serious misgivings, she has to be told very firmly to respect your judgement.

Greenkit Wed 26-Nov-14 06:11:01

It could be she is struggling with your sexuality, I am a mum i like to think i am an open person excepting of all. My daughter (18) has told me she is bi-sexual, she told me when she was 14, and while I am excepting of a gay daughter or son and have many gay friends, I guess a small part of me wishes she would just have a boyfriend and a 'normal' life.

Its almost a 'its ok for everyone to be gay/bi-sexual' but i would perfer my children to conform.

That proably doesnt make any sense, but you know your mum more than anyone and what generation she comes from, im 43 so I wouldnt consider myself old.

LaVieBoheme Wed 26-Nov-14 09:06:29

She's definetly not old, she's still in her 40s herself, she had me pretty young.

Cogito; i have been quite firm about it in the past, that this is the person I love and that she'll have to just get used to it. Now we basically don't talk about it (I live in a different city, haven't yet moved in with my DP, should be next year though!) so even if I bring her up or mention it, my mum doesn't actually say anything to me about her. I have given her a chance previously to tell me why she doesn't like DP but all she could say was about how DP was a bad influence (when asked how she had no evidence) and that she basically made me gay. Even though she already knew I was gay!

I think you are right though Green, I think it must be more about me not conforming. She has expressed in the past about how I can't be gay I must be bi (I assume because I had a boyfriend when I was 14 and confused as hell about why I didn't like him!)

Greenkit Thu 27-Nov-14 01:32:09

You just have to be the person you are supposed to be, and hope that she will come round. Perhaps she thinks if your with your GF then then whole grandchildren thing is out the window and is feeling a bit sad.

You could have however already discussed having children with your GF and Im way off the mark.

Like I said my daughter is bi or as she puts it part time, and I guess i do feel a little sad on occasion. I love my daughter though and will support her no matter what, GF or BF in tow.

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