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Fell out with Mums..which School?

(21 Posts)
mummymummymillionmillion Tue 25-Nov-14 14:20:01

Need some advice Mumsnetters.

I was told when I was pregant that my baby might not make it. At this time a group of mums that I was friends with ostrazised me and my son. I read a text on a phone that was left at my house (I pressed the button to see whose phone it was then caught them bitching about me because of my problems), I apologised to them for reading the text and I said I just wanted to find out who's phone it was, they said reading the phone was unfogivable and they want nothing more to do with me or my son. They then excluded me from all social gatherings which was hard to explain to a three year old.

Now, when they see my in the street they ignore me - even though i always say hello to make a point of not ignoring them. I know I should not have looked at the phone but nothing is as painful as having this happen when I was awaiting to find out if my son would live or not.

Fast forward ...!

My son was born fine, I have made so many better friends . I now need to put down school choices and I am worried that if I send my child to the local school he will be excluded from parties and other social gatherings.

I do have two to three other friends sending their children in the same year who think this group of women are vile. The other school is a 9 mile drive (18 mile round trip).

If it was you what would you do? Go to the local school and risk DD being excluded or travel to the other local school (18 mile round trip).

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 14:23:37

I'd go to the local school. Unless you're in some tiny community, the unpleasant women who have been excluding you won't form 100% of the parents at the school.

AMumInScotland Tue 25-Nov-14 14:31:38

Don't let people like that make you go out of your way. Send him to the local school and leave them to their awfulness. Most other parents won't be like them, so there is no reason to fear your son being excluded.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Tue 25-Nov-14 14:40:18

Agree that they sound vile. Clearly, other people agree with that assessment too. I would send your son to the local school and don't waste another minute of your precious time thinking about these people.

mum9876 Tue 25-Nov-14 15:09:52

Go to the local school. Yes it's uncomfortable but just stand your ground, be consistent, pleasant, straightforward with people. I don't think long-term it will affect your dc's friendships. I have no say in my dc's.

NettleTea Tue 25-Nov-14 15:14:53

so you are not the only one who thinks they are vile. And the others dont necessarily know whats happened - chances are plenty of people, from all different year groups, will also think they are vile. People like this tend to upset people in their wake, so chances are you will be in the majority of parents thinking the same thing.

dadwood Tue 25-Nov-14 15:34:04

I agree with AMumInScotland

Why should you move. It looks like they are more uncomfortable than you whenever you meet them anyway. You have the moral high ground. If they try any backbiting about you with the rest of the parents, it'll rebound on them triple!

mummymummymillionmillion Tue 25-Nov-14 15:42:03

On the surface they seemed such lovely people, really kind and do all sorts for the community such as bake cakes etc, but it was clear that if anyone had a problem in life they did not want to hear it, their lives were always perfect and houses v.clean (unlike mine!). To this day I still don't understand why it ended up the way it did. My partner and others have said I am too trusting and nice and as I set up the group in the first place I was just a victim for them to talk about and gel more as a group as they have a enemy. IFSWIM the whole thing still baffles me, but if it wasent for them I would never have met the wonderful people that I have as friends now.

AMumInScotland Tue 25-Nov-14 16:23:22

It's not an excuse, but some people find it a struggle to be around people who are having a problem in their life, because it makes them aware that bad things happen and they can't just stick their head in the sand and pretend that the world is perfect and lovely like they want it to be. People's problems make them uncomfortable, so they avoid the person since they can't avoid the problem.
And of course, some people are just uncaring bitches who are more interested in looking good than actually being nice!

Don't let them affect your behaviour, just smile and say hello as you would to anyone else who you know but aren't close to. Nobody who matters is going to treat you or your son badly because of them.

mum9876 Tue 25-Nov-14 16:44:29

I think the key thing is don't let it affect your choices. They are just some people who don't sound very nice. There are lots of others who will be nice to you and your family. It would be nice for your dc to be near school so they can easily visit friends and have a more relaxed journey to school. If the schools are equally good, that would be my reasoning for picking the local one.

I had a woman take a dislike to me when dd was in nursery. She excluded me from the group I was friendly with and was blatantly rude at times. I see her every day at school. I found it really upsetting for a while but a few years later, I honestly don't care. I feel glad I don't know her, she's always causing trouble with people. She's always one to be organising something for charity, helping at church. Yet she bullies people.

Whilst it might be difficult initially if you are still upset, at some point you won't be. It would be a shame to be driving 9 miles then, you might even feel quite annoyed that you were so affected by it.

Rantymop Tue 25-Nov-14 16:50:17

I think I remember you posting about the txt message thing at the time? Vile women.

Send him to the local school. There will be lots of other families there who I am sure will be a nicer bunch than them.

Tobyjugg Tue 25-Nov-14 17:02:11

I think AMumInScotland is right except that I'd say it made them frightened rather than uncomfortable because they lack the strength of character ("courage", if you prefer) to face such issues. Send him to whichever is the better school and they can all take along walk off a short pier.

Tobyjugg Tue 25-Nov-14 17:02:49

* a long

Snaveanator Tue 25-Nov-14 22:21:06

Send your child to the local school. They can then decide whether or not they'd like to be friends! At the school my DS attends, two of the mums HATE each other, but they make a point of not excluding each other's children from birthday parties ect!

Finola1step Tue 25-Nov-14 22:24:50

The only deciding factor should be which school you think will be the best fit for your dc.

Frogisatwat Tue 25-Nov-14 23:43:44

Mother of a year 7 parent here.. seriously do not worry about it!
Don't go out of your way travel wise. Primary school will be over in a flash. I only ever made one close friend at my sons primary school due to not being at the school gates (work) so when I did pick up my two I barely got an acknowledgement from the other mums. It didn't affect my sons friendships.
I hope I am not coming across as too blase as clearly these women were unkind and their behaviour upset you.
But as you say you have a few friends in his year already. Thats all you need.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 26-Nov-14 01:10:19

Hi O.P. I am so glad your baby was okay. What lovely news.
But please please do not let clique unsupportive women stop you from using this school. I can't believe they would turn on a mum going through so much worry. I just don't get it at all.
Okay you're worrying about being left out of social events but do you really honestly want to be around people like that, surely they're that good company, and you will meet other mums. The world doesn't start and finish with these nasty immature clique bitches.

mummymummymillionmillion Wed 26-Nov-14 10:35:20

Thank you for all your advice. Made me feel more confident about putting him into the local school. I have also noticed that they are now trying to recruit my new friend and asking her to join them for coffee etc, they know we are friends because they have seen me with her. I do feel it is rather like some awful situation that one would encounter at school, not middle aged, mature women, but I guess those type of women never really grow out of it. Lukily as my friend knows the situation her words were the are vile to do that to me, so that made me feel better :-)

littleleftie Wed 26-Nov-14 15:11:29

I think you posted about this at the time OP?

They sound awful. ALso, it sounds as if you are being set up to be Wendied.

I hope your new friend has her wits about her and doesn't get sucked in.

I would definitely send my child to the local school. As DC get older, they choose who goes to parties etc, not parents so much. I am sure your DD will make lovely new friends just as you have.

Best of luck.

mum9876 Wed 26-Nov-14 15:46:30

That's good op. I often wonder if the people who behave like this realise the impact it has on others. The friends I have now don't send evil texts about one another fortunately or seek to shun people for no particular reason. You couldn't make it up really.

Laura0806 Wed 26-Nov-14 16:49:04

Hi, I remember you and your awful situation. Def send your lo to the school you want. Why should your life be made harder or your lo suffer because of them. There will be many more people at the school gate and while it may be awkward for a while ( it was for me if you remember) after a bit, you cease to care and concentrate on the nice normal mothers who aren't interested in cliques but just want to be friendly and inclusive to all the children and their parents. There will be plenty of them too and I think if these women attempt to talk about you in an unpleasant way, it will just make them ( not you) look bad and to be honest I doubt they will.

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