Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've just text my abuser!

(15 Posts)
LucyBabs Tue 25-Nov-14 13:16:48

My older brother sexually abused me when I was a child. I have always kept it to myself, I tried to forget about it and move on. Obviously I couldn't forget and it has deeply affected me through my adult life.

Recently during a drunken conversation my older sister confessed she witnessed my brother abusing me! She walked into a room where I slept and my brother was in the bed with me. I was 9 he was 16. She thought it was a one off as she threatened to go to the police if he ever did it again. Sadly it carried on for another 2 years my brother just became more sly and devious.

As I grew up and my brother left home I buried it deep and tried to be normal.
My brother acted as though it didn't happen and we had a strange brother sister relationship.

I have struggled with what to do for the best now I have a witness to the abuse.
I know I must report what happened but I don't feel strong enough.
I wanted to let my brother know that I remembered what happened and that my sister does too.

I don't see him anymore since our parents died. I couldnt imagine facing him and saying anything about the abuse.

I decided to text him instead and after weeks of bottling out I text him this morning!

I basically told him I remembered everything and I have my sisters support.
I asked him not to ever contact me again and not to reply to the text.

He hasn't text and I hope he won't. I feel sick I'm afraid he will look for me and hurt me. He doesn't know where I live but I'm sure he could easily find out. He has never been violent but then he's never been confronted with this before. I know I've done the right thing. Its time for me to heal and move on from this.

We have an important family event this weekend. I told him in the txt that I will be there. I am hoping he won't turn up but what if he does?! I think I'd fall apart.

Any advice? TIA

Hissy Tue 25-Nov-14 13:32:59

You are very brave love, and I'm sorry for the pain you have had to endure. This was not your fault.
I'm glad your DSis has spoken to you so that you have gained support here, and feel less isolated.

I doubt very much that he will be in contact, if he is though remember that you are not the frightened little 9 yo, you are a grown woman and the police will be there for you to keep you safe. Your sister too by the looks of it.

You need to prime your family/dsis to tell him to leave if he does show up, but I doubt he will tbh, it would take a monumental set of balls and knowing that your sister knows... I doubt he'll risk a scene.

Hopefully someone will be along to advise where you can get more RL support, helplines etv, you will benefit from some talking therapy to work through all this.

you will be ok, this will get easier, your healing has started.

Again, well done! you have done the right thing

areyoureallysure Tue 25-Nov-14 13:33:39

Ok, you need to remember that you are wholly in the right here.

Do you think he might turn up this weekend? If so, is that ever going to change? If not then you have two choices - either step back from your family or run the risk that he will be at all future events.

Personally (and I have also suffered sexual abuse though not from a family member, from a partner) I think you need to also think about whether he will have continued his abuse with someone else. You might not be alone in this. This was what convinced me to finally go to the police - the thought that he might do it again to someone else.

I'm here to hold you hand whatever you want to do, as will be many others. You're so brave to have done what you did.

LucyBabs Tue 25-Nov-14 18:56:32

Thank you so much hissy and areyou
You're right I am not that frightened 9 year old anymore. I am in the right and I have done nothing wrong.

I am awaiting therapy with the rape crisis centre, hopefully that will happen in the new year.

Unfortunately my family are pretty spineless so I'm not sure they'd ask him to leave. Leaves me wondering why I want to go to this event

Cabrinha Tue 25-Nov-14 18:59:59

You don't have to. xxx

whatdoesittake48 Tue 25-Nov-14 19:45:29

I believe you want to go because it is a clear statement that you are a member of the family, not an outcast. That role is reserved for him.
Does your brother have children. Is there any chance he could abuse other children. I know you don't want to drag it all up but is he safe with children. Could he be reported anonymously?
Sorry this happened to you. Hold your head high because you sound incredibly brave and strong.

EveryNight Tue 25-Nov-14 19:52:51

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope he doesn't turn up.

Does he have access to any children now?

RaisingMen Tue 25-Nov-14 20:45:37

I hope he doesn't turn up OP, you're a very brave lady and I hope you're ok. Have you considered reporting him?

LucyBabs Tue 25-Nov-14 21:06:05

Yes I am one step away from reporting him. I just need a final surge of courage. The RCC said they will accompany me to make a statement and support me through the whole process.

I am sorry to say he does have children a son and two daughters sad

I know I have been selfish and I do feel guilty that I haven't done something sooner. I should have said something when his children were born.
What if he has abused his girls! Oh Christ I feel sick now sad

I feel awful tonight. My dp doesn't live with me and the dc. He's not here tonight and I feel vulnerable. I have the house locked up with the alarm on.

I can't believe I am in this situation. Maybe it was easier when i was living a lie. I feel awful, I need my lovely Mam here to make it better.

I feel like a child again and I feel weak sad

FryOneFatManic Wed 26-Nov-14 08:56:46

LucyBabs I've just seen this and I hope you are feeling okay this morning.

You are not weak. And in reporting this, you can stop any abuse he may be carrying out on others. thanks

LucyBabs Wed 26-Nov-14 10:02:53

Thanks fry I feel more calm this morning. I spoke with my sister last night. She has offered to speak to him to tell him to stay away. I haven't decided yet if she should do that.

Castlemilk Wed 26-Nov-14 10:07:30

Would your sister support you in reporting him? - would she corroborate?

That could make all the difference in giving the police/SS the ability to protect his daughters.

I'm horrified at the thought of what you've been through. I'm afraid that it is perfectly likely that he will do exactly the same to his own children. He wasn't a child when he did what he did.

I really, really hope you can find the strength to report. flowers to you.

LucyBabs Wed 26-Nov-14 10:20:16

Thanks castlemilk

I havent asked my sister outright if she will back me up. Its a conversation I have put off for fear she won't back me up. I'm then back to square one.

I feel sick at the thought he may have harmed his girls. I could have prevented that. I am due to speak with the RCC centre later today I'm going to have to make a decision very soon

MindReader Wed 26-Nov-14 10:38:05

LucyBabs

Please KNOW beyond any doubt that the responsibility of what he did to you (or may have done to others since) belongs ENTIRELY to him.

Not you.
You were not responsible as an 11 year old, nor are you responsible now.

I wonder if you could ask your sister to come to the RCC with you?
You might then be able to speak to her about corroborating your story more formally and they would be able to support you in this.

Successfully reporting his criminal behaviour could be helpful to you and to 'alert society' what sort of man he is, but please DONT stress yourself out about this.

You are a brave survivor and I take my hat off to you and send you ((())).

MrsWedgeAntilles Wed 26-Nov-14 11:06:39

OP, if your assailant has abused his daughters that is because he chose to reoffend not because of anything you did or didn't do.
If you decide to report now you may

help to protect your neices but any
harm that may have come to them at
the hands of your brother is entirely
his fault.
It may even be that with the sea change in attitudes to childhood abuse that waiting until now may mean that you're take more seriouslyand get a better result.

Good luck OP, you are amazing.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now