Going NC with my mum. Had enough

[VitoCorleone]

Just that really, anyone who has seen my previous threads will know, but for those that don't heres a brief summary of why

She is extremely petty, she will see her arse over the slightest thing and not talk to me for weeks

She threatened to beat me up a few months ago, why? Because she came to my house when i was at the doctors with my son, threw a hissy fit because i should have known she was coming and been in, when i snapped and finally stood up to her she threatened to beat the shit out of me.

She turns up at my house every day without even texting to see if I'm not busy, if i dare to have plans she falls out with me, expects me to be sat at home all day on the off chance she pops in.

She hates me having friends, gets jealous if i make plans to do anything with friends because she thinks me and her should be best mates and do everything together, and i must hate her if id rather go shopping with a friend

When somebody watched my kids for a couple of hours she flipped saying why didn't i ask her, i obviously don't think she's good enough etc yet when i do ask her she whinges and moans and has even told me she 'cant watch them anymore because of a bad back'

The final straw came when i bumped into her and she said she was coming over, i said i needed to go up town to run a few errands, her reply was "sod ya then" then didn't hear from her for a few days then the day before my birthday i get a text saying "I'm not getting you anything for your birthday, stay away from me" why? Because i had errands to run a few days earlier and she couldn't come round.

The way she treats me is absolutely appalling, and this is just examples from recently, she's been like this my whole entire life and ive finally realised that she brings nothing to my life apart from anxiety

What sort of mother threatens to beat up their child? What sort of mother doesn't want their child to have friends and a life of their own?? What sort of mother sends a text like that the day before their daughters birthday???

If my nana and granda could see how she behaves with me they would be fucking disgusted.

I am fucking done and that woman will not be part of my life again ever

[VitoCorleone]

That behavior is not normal eh? I mean, there must be something wrong with her to be like that

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do you live quite close to her that she can keep popping round all the time? She does sound like a nightmare, threats of beating up anyone (and you're an adult, not a child) are unacceptable in any circumstance, and I think you're going to have to keep your distance. However if you all live on top of each other, you'll have to anticipate that she'll keep turning up and making threats. Or if your children go to school locally, she may turn up there. Would you be prepared to call the police if she continues to harass you?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

As to whether behaviour is normal or not, suggest you imagine your reaction if a random person behaved in a similar way. Would you invite them into your home or would you call 999? That she's your mother shouldn't change that reaction. She sounds mentally unstable

[VitoCorleone]

She lives in the same town, i don't think she will make any more threats, and if she does then yes i will call the police.

Very much doubt she would show up at my house either. She'll just look right through me if she sees me.

[VitoCorleone]

She needs fucking help Cog, but there's no point telling her that, she's just flip. I'm done with it, ive walked on eggshells all my life, ive had enough.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

She'll turn up. All of her behaviour sounds like sheer attention-seeking, even when they say 'stay away from me' it's purely to create drama. You know already that whatever you do or don't do you'll be in the wrong so, if you take her on face value and stay away, she'll eventually have to create more drama. .... i.e. She'll turn up. :)

Glad you'd call the police. Moving house might also be something you want to work towards. Much easier to ignore someone when they are a nice long way away.

[VitoCorleone]

There's no way id move, i love my house and i love the little caul-de-sac i live on, i wouldn't leave all that for her, she's ruined my life enough as it is.

[maras2]

Best of luck vito I'm amazed that you've stuck it for so long.If you haven't already joined the Stately Homes gang,I suggest you do as they can be a great help when going NC.Again,best wishes.

[VitoCorleone]

Its coz im soft, i start feeling bad and feeling sorry for her, so i let her back in and slowly it starts again. Not again, im done this time, im a grown fucking woman not a 6 year old, my "mother" is not controlling my life any more

[Cleo22]

Does she have a key? Consider changing locks

[VitoCorleone]

No she doesn't have a key, definitely not.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Is it just you and her in the mix, or are there siblings, father/stepfather, aunts etc? It certainly sounds like pulling up your drawbridge and not letting her in, is the best way to go - but as Cog says, she's unlikely to go quietly, despite her 'stay away from me' rants now, so use this time to draw up your plan. Absolutely no circumstances under which you will ever ask her for childcare; make sure school know she is never to collect DS no matter what she says, etc. Good luck!

[VitoCorleone]

I mean, she definitely does not have one

[VitoCorleone]

I have younger sisters who still live with her (she seems to be a bit softer with them than she was with me when i was their age) and my stepdad, yes the man that she repetedly put before me as i was growing up, my childhood was ruined through his alcoholism, but rather than putting me first she kept taking him back. He was violent and abusive to her. He's sober now.

And plenty aunties and uncles (my mums the youngest of a very large family) her brothers and sisters all know what she's like, probably wonder how the fuck i put up with her

[VitoCorleone]

Oh and all my life ive repeatedly been called an 'ungrateful bastard' if ive dared say anything. See she gave birth to me, so no matter how badly she treats me i have to be grateful to her. Fuck that bollocks

Also remember when i was about 14 her telling me she wished the girl down the road was her daughter instead of me. Done wonders for my self esteem that did.

No wonder ive been on fucking anti depressants for years.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then 'NC' appears to be the way forward. But in order to avoid the possibility of her creeping back into your life you need a plan that includes practical and moral support. Practical things like how to deal with the inevitable text or visit or showing up at the DCs' school. If other family members are likely to try to persuade you to stay in touch or if they are going to be subjected to speeches from here outlining why you are an 'ungrateful bastard', might be worth pre-empting your NC by giving a few selected people the full truth. You can potentially avoid awkwardness over family events that way although you have to expect a few negative reactions because there's always someone who wants to stay in the bully's good books.

I heard a good phrase recently which was 'run towards, not run away...' So, if you explain it to others, say that you are running towards a good future of having a nice life with people who bring something positive to it.... rather than running away from Mommie Dearest. :)

[VitoCorleone]

I don't plan on going into details with family, its just easier to say "i don't want her in my life anymore, I'm sure you understand why" (because they all know she's fucking crazy) rather than go into detail and it getting back to my mam that ive been 'slagging her off' which is how she would see it. Its not worth the hassle. Family don't get involved anyway, we may be a big family but we're not close.

Ive fell out with my mam enough times to know how it pans out, she will act like i don't exist until i offer an olive branch and then she'll start coming round again like nothing happened. I have never ever heard that woman apologise in her life, so i just accept it like a fucking mug.

Never again. She can feel sorry for herself all she likes, i actually don't care anymore, i just can not bring myself to care, her behaviour may be normal to me, but lets face it, its not fucking normal, not by a long shot

[plentyofshoes]

Sounds similar to my mum. The kicking off over nothing. I think she fell out with me originally because I would not let her smoke in my new home.
10 years later she still makes contact to cause me upset every few years. Ultimately it was the best decision I made. She will not change.

[VitoCorleone]

You know what else she said when she sent that text about getting me nothing for my birthday? Something along the lines of "and we don't want anything from you"

Its my little sisters birthday this week, in other words what she meant was "don't bother getting her anything" see, that's how fucking unbelievably selfish she is, making my 11 year old sister suffer because she is so fucking petty and mental

Its fucking pitiful

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's just an observation, but you might want to tone down the aggression yourself. Don't end up a copy of your mother.

[VitoCorleone]

She's the only person that makes me this angry. I can safely say i am nothing like my mother where personality is concerned.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's good :) It's also a good reason for NC i.e. when you don't like yourself when you're around a particular person. Life's too short.

[VitoCorleone]

The thing is, i end up ranting on here and looking like a real gobshite but the simple fact is i have nowhere else to rant, DP sick of hearing it (he cant stand my mother) and im actually too scared to say anything to her, i wouldn't even swear in front of her never mind at her

And that about sums it up, I'm actually scared of my mother.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think she'd scare anyone, quite honestly.

You said earlier that you're not 6yo any more and I think that's the bit you have to hang onto. For the first years of your life parents are the authority figures, the ones that have the power of life and death over you and the ones that you have to keep on the right side of if you want anything. If you're lucky, this is handled with good humour and love but, if you're unlucky enough to have unstable, aggressive parents, it's more like living in a badly managed correctional facility. :)

But you're not 6yo any more, you're a grown-up and you have a lot of authority. She's a bully so she'll probably carry on being a bully but you don't have to respond as the child you were. You said earlier that you 'snapped' and finally stood up to her. Whether you go NC or not, I'd encourage you to keep standing up to her and not wait until you are driven to snap. It takes practise but it's worth persevering.

[HumblePieMonster]

she does sound terrible. and I've been pretty bad myself...