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Why am I pushing dh away when I still love him?

(21 Posts)
chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 09:37:28

We have been together for 10 years,I have a 14 yr old daughter who lives with us,he has 2 sons(13&15),who live with his ex and we have a 7 yr old daughter together,she has a rare form of CP.
I have struggled with depression over the years,2 previous abusive relationships then dealing with youngest daughters disability.I have taken anti-depressants & also had a lot of private counselling,I am still having counselling now,but more CBT as I suffer from low self esteem & anxiety.
Throughout all this my husband has been extremely supportive,but has struggled with discussing his feelings but we have maintained a strong,loving relationship.
We are both struggling with dealing with my daughter,who is going through the usual teenage angst & have fallen out over how to parent her.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been feeling myself pulling away from him & he is starting to irritate me confused(but I still love him) & wondering if I could cope on my own(I would struggle & miss him like crazy).
I cannot understand why I am feeling this way & it's really distressing me & him.
I am thinking couples counselling my help?
Sorry it's longhmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 09:48:49

Leaving aside what sound like complex and enduring MH issues for a second, I think it's normal to feel hostile towards anyone that doesn't appear to love your DC the same way you do. What does he think you should be doing with your DD that you don't?

chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 09:54:08

I don't doubt that he loves her(he's been in her life since she was 3 yrs old),so I'm not sure that her not being his biological daughter is a major issue.He just struggles to deal with her constant moodiness & tantrums,they rub each other up the wrong way & end up bickering whilst I'm 'piggy in the middle' trying to keep the peace.It is wearing but when I point it out to them they say 'oh that's just how we are,it doesn't bother us'.But as I have pouted out to them both many times,it bothers me!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 09:56:50

So the pair of them are ganging up on you and you're excluded? That's not a good family dynamic... You and he are meant to be the team.

chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 10:04:04

I don't suppose I see it as 'ganging up' on me.I just feel trapped in the middle by the constant bickering.I try very hard to keep them both happy & to discipline my daughter but they really struggle to get on with one another on a day to day basis.
She has issues with her bio father,as in he doesn't contact her,she always contacts him,he doesnt take an interest in her life or school.He was emotionally abusive to me & as a result I don't have anything to do with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 10:10:18

It's very stressful if you make it your role to keep others happy without it being reciprocated. If him bickering with your DD is upsetting you and causing your MH problems to be worse and if asking him to stop has had no effect then you are not 'pushing him away', he is alienating himself by getting his priorities wrong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 10:17:00

Should add... stand up to both your DD and DH. Be assertive rather than trying to pacify everyone. Tell DH that he's the adult, not another teenager, and has to grow up fast rather than bicker with a child. Whatever DD is doing, deal with that separately and insist on his full backing.

dadwood Tue 25-Nov-14 10:37:36

Hi chickensaresafehere

Do you think that your DD's disappointment with her bio father is contributing to the confrontation with your DP?

dadwood Tue 25-Nov-14 10:38:43

Your DH I mean, not DP

pasanda Tue 25-Nov-14 10:50:02

I have this problem sometimes too. I know exactly how you feel. When your dc are criticised it does make you want to 'pull away' from the person who is criticising.

I have two dc from my first marriage, the eldest ds is 13 and in the midst of teenage hormone hell! We have extremely different ways of parenting and sometimes I feel I would be better of living on my own with them! I will often excuse a strop because I can see it for what it is, just a teenage strop that won't last forever. DH see's it as insolent, rude and aggressive. Can't believe I won't pull him up for every tiny thing, even though half the time DH is the cause of the strops. He actually said he hated coming home from work because ds is here - guaranteed to get my back up immensely and yes, makes me feel like you do.

But I don't have the issue you have with your youngest dd (just stroppy 6 year old twins) or mental health problems myself so really feel for you. You have lots going on.

chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 11:24:10

I think the issues with her bio father are coming to a head dadwood ,she loves him but cannot understand the way he is with her,so that may be impacting on her relationship with my husband.

chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 11:27:50

Pasanda,
It's good to know someone else understands the situation & is going through the same thing.
It's really difficult isn't it & I am trying to juggle our youngest daughter,my father,who has recently gone into a care home with dementia,so I am trying to support my mother too.
I feel like I am trying to balance a lot of issues,but I'm not coping well with it all confused

dadwood Tue 25-Nov-14 11:29:40

HI chickensaresafehere - is it possible that it is DD needs the counselling then, or your DH so that he can deal with the fallout? Maybe it isn't easy to suggest counselling to a teenager.

chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 11:34:08

I think she would probably freak out & shout 'but there's nothing wrong with me' if I suggested it ��
But I think it may help,I just need to look at how to approach it.

dadwood Tue 25-Nov-14 11:42:51

chickensaresafehere - but I'm not coping well with it all - sounds like total overload! Not surprised you are finding it difficult!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 11:45:20

Again.... if there's a lot of stress going on in and around the family, your DH has to be told to park the bickering on the grounds of not helpful. Again... you are not pushing him away.

Matildathecat Tue 25-Nov-14 13:43:14

Oh this all sounds so stressful. My experience is a bit different but DH and ds2 used to really have bad rows when he was a teenager. I would try to intervene, usually on ds' side because tbh I did feel DH was being hard on him sometimes. The DH would be annoyed with me...

So I made a decision to simply not be involved. You say both of them say it's ok and not a big deal so if they can't stop doing it (idealgrin) try to walk away and leave them to sort it out.

Your dd must feel secure within her relationship with him to have these arguments. I'd say, don't get involved and go for a hot bath to get some headspace from all the madness around you.

pasanda Tue 25-Nov-14 13:47:49

It does sound like it is all getting too much for you.

I agree with Cog, your dh needs to be sat down and told firmly that his bickering with your dd is really not needed right now, and he is the adult who should find it easier to stop. My dh has taken the stance that I'm on my own with raising ds - even though is is obviously going to be involved seeing as we all live together hmm I always have the underlying feeling though that dh is waiting for me to fail sad

It's tough I know.

Twinklestein Tue 25-Nov-14 14:04:23

Hace you discussed with your partner the possibility that your daughter is taking out her hurt and anger with her own father on him?

Could you and she go to counselling together?

chickensaresafehere Tue 25-Nov-14 14:11:06

I feel like it's all me & like I said,that I am pushing him away because I am finding it all difficult on top of everything else.But I am taking on board what you are saying Cog,I am well known for blaming myself for most things & it's something I am having CBT for,but it's a hard habit to break! I know it contributes towards my MH problems & my husband is definitely not helping hmm

dadwood Tue 25-Nov-14 14:16:36

chickensaresafehere - everyone's tolerance goes down under extremely difficult circumstances. What might have been manageable under normal circumstances can be difficult when you are taken up with other crises.

I feel like it's all me - well, it looks as if other dynamics are playing out here between your DD, DH and ExH. Don't take responsibility for what you can't control.

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