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ditch dating?

(11 Posts)
stresseddating Tue 25-Nov-14 01:34:48

Hope this NC works. Apologies for typos, using a phone.

Basically I've been single for a year. Previously in a ~4 year relationship- living together but not married and no kids. I ended it when I found out about infidelity earlier in the relationship. He moved away quickly and is now engaged, etc. I really don't feel much about it, so it's not about being hung up on the last relationship. I have been very happy (happier than ever!) since the split.

I have been dating on and off since. I haven't wanted anything serious (probably sensible). I've now met a guy who I think I quite like. I don't know if they're related, but for the last month or so I've been feeling very low. It's a shock because I felt so happy before, and I've fallen into quite a dark place, really. I have had trouble with depression before. Anyway, as it happens I've been seeing this chap for a few months. I'm thinking that the stress of a new relationship (albeit not serious) is contributing, and as it's so early, perhaps I should call it off (we're not exclusive or anything) because I obviously can't cope?

I have had bloods done recently although heard nothing back so assume they were fine. I wanted to rule out a physical cause. Once I've called to confirm that they were all good, I was thinking of doing as I said.

A tiny part of me wonders, though, if maybe I still will feel awful. Then I've thrown away a good thing for nothing. For sure there are lots of other things going in my life, but they were there before.

Am I being rash and too risk-averse, or very sensible?
I hope this all makes sense. The low feelings I've had make it quite tricky for me to think rationally or very coherently.


CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 07:33:35

What stress is the new relationship causing?

gottafindaman4yagirl Tue 25-Nov-14 08:54:41

Stress I split from my EX of 12 yrs and felt the happiest I had ever been without the stress of a relationship that wasn't working.
Been doing OLD for 6 months and met a guy and we started dating. Ok for a couple of weeks but then I started to feel anxious and then my mood became low. My family noticed this, and I knew it was due to new relationship. My instincts were telling me that the relationship was not a good choice.
I called I off and at first felt panicky and unsure I did the right thing, now I feel optimistic and happy again.
Maybe the relationship is not what you really need. It was ok for a while but you might deserve better. Listen to your instincts and ask yourself if being in this casual relationship Is adding to your life happiness and fun or just something to stress about. I think you could cope with a relationship that is right for you, I thought I could do casual but my mind and body tell me different.

Goldfish10 Tue 25-Nov-14 09:35:56

I can really identify with this. I started seeing someone a few months ago. He's really lovely and I like him a lot. But I've been so up and down since I met him. Dating someone seems to be bringing out all my insecurities, and I find myself worrying a lot, feeling low, and sometimes just sitting and crying.

I have just the same dilemma as you - I'm wondering whether to finish things with him, but then I'm worried I'll feel just as bad, but I'll have thrown away a relationship with a lovely man. I just don't know what to do! And like you say, when your mood is low, it's hard to know if you're making a rational decision.

Do you think it's something to do with the man you're seeing, and if so have you tried talking to him? Or do you think it's more something to do with you?

Sorry, I haven't been much help at all, but I wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat and really empathise with what you're going through.

ProfessorPickles Tue 25-Nov-14 10:51:28

I could have written your post op!
Since seeing someone new just a month ago my mood is up and down constantly. It's very frustrating but I don't want to stop seeing him because I love spending time with him and he's lovely.

Relationships definitely bring out my insecurities. While I was single I felt reasonably attractive and positive and now I feel ugly and very negative

Delphine31 Tue 25-Nov-14 10:58:23

OP, this is an aside, but do phone your GP for the blood results. I found out recently that my past two tests came back with abnormal results but the surgery didn't contact me at the time. I asked them about this and they said the onus was on patients to contact them for results and they only contact the patient if something very serious is indicated that would need treating urgently.

Goldfish10 Tue 25-Nov-14 11:03:58

ProfessorPickles, it seems like there are a few of us in the same boat! Do you talk to the man you're seeing about your insecurities and tell him you're feeling up and down, or do you just keep it to yourself? I'm not sure of the best thing to do.

ProfessorPickles Tue 25-Nov-14 11:27:22

Goldfish, I'm keeping it to myself for now although talking about it could possibly help. He's getting serious rather quickly with me and although it's not too quick for me it is scaring me a little as I've had bad experiences in relationships in the past and I'm afraid of getting trapped with someone abusive again.

I'm hoping this feeling will go away in a month or two, if not we'll have to talk about it I suppose!

stresseddating Tue 25-Nov-14 11:41:35

Thanks for all your responses.

To be clear I dont think "he" is the problem. I think it's the practical demands of dating in general. For example having to arrange a mutually agreeable day. We are partly compatible (in terms of what we can commit to and expect from dating/rs) because we are in similiar places...but that place is "really bloody busy". So that's difficult. We manage once week/fortnight. I usually have to rush off the next day but have managed longer a few times. Getting to where he lives is stressful (it's only 30 minute drive but inner city traffic and parking is annoying). Small things like that. Unless I specifically go after men who live down my road, doesn't really resolve the problem. So really I am asking dating vs no dating, I shouldn't have made it about him.

Fortunately I don't feel insecure. I feel good about my body and self, and I know he fancies and likes me. I threw my scales away recently after years of weighing myself multiple times a day and all that lark.

I think I'm going to give it another month and see how I feel. Perhaps I should give myself a deadline to stop just putting difficult decisions off, though. My work cools off in 2 weeks and I can start eating, sleeping and exercising properly again which is probably not helping.

I'll update then!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 12:08:21

If he's not worth a 30 minute drive then he's probably not all that... hmm How does he feel about battling the traffic jams when he comes over to yours? I'm assuming you split the travelling?

stresseddating Tue 25-Nov-14 13:28:38

We don't split travel. I live in a shithole with a tiny room (shared house) and apart from a whetherspoons there's nothing to do (I don't mind a DVD and chat but not every time). He couldn't stay here overnight, or get home by public transport after about 10pm. Because he lives in the centre he doesn't have a car. He's offered to get the bus because he's never been to my town and said he'd like to, but I said no. Seems pointless.

I suppose you're right, though. I really like him and it's the best sex I've ever had but I do feel like "I could/should be working instead of driving or going to a concert/gig/whatever right now". Maybe that shows they're not worth it. Same with friends (who annoyingly all live in the city, again most don't have a car), but obviously because my friends have known me longer they accept me not being able to see them right now.

I'm going to stick with my one month plan, though. I should have a better idea of where I'll be living next year by then so can make a more informed decision. If I have to move further away then no option anyway, if I am able to move closer to friends and the city then that'll make life a lot easier. And cheaper.

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