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I don't know what to think of this guy

(25 Posts)
YourHandInMyHand Mon 24-Nov-14 22:07:06

My background is that I spent a long time in an EA relationship, left with nothing and have been single since (6 yrs now).

I met someone at the beginning of the year and we split up a couple of months in. We are giving things another go and I veer between happy and anxious about it. I can't decide if my previous relationship has left me overly cautious or if I should be cautious!

I broke it off with new guy before as he was being needy, paranoid, clingy and was very moody. However we also had very good times too and I'd missed him. We are taking things slowly, dating properly and I am happy but also scared.

I'm finding it hard to put down into words and pinpoint stuff. :-/

I don't want to end up where I was before but I also don't want to be too scared of taking any relationship risks and being alone for the rest of my life sad

Ihatechoosingausername Mon 24-Nov-14 22:16:28

'needy, paranoid, clingy and was very moody' - these sound like red flags. Don't do it! If you're thinking these things about him after only a few months, imagine how bad they'll get after a few years? Nope nope nope leave it!

Ihatechoosingausername Mon 24-Nov-14 22:17:13

Don't do that thing that lonely people do whereby they sell themselves short

Handywoman Mon 24-Nov-14 22:20:24

Mmmm paranoid, needy, clingy and moody?? doesn't sound great to me sad

Are you dating him because you are lonely? How about getting out and meeting new people?

It's understandable to be very cautious and a bit anxious. I left a 14yr EA marriage and started dating at the end of the summer. I have also been a bit freaked but due to loads, loads and loads of communication with my new squeeze have set out my stall and I am now very comfortable with things.

I am not getting that vibe with your situation. Always best to trust your spidey senses methinks. On what basis did you decide to give it another go???? How has he been this time round?????

Handywoman Mon 24-Nov-14 22:20:25

Mmmm paranoid, needy, clingy and moody?? doesn't sound great to me sad

Are you dating him because you are lonely? How about getting out and meeting new people?

It's understandable to be very cautious and a bit anxious. I left a 14yr EA marriage and started dating at the end of the summer. I have also been a bit freaked but due to loads, loads and loads of communication with my new squeeze have set out my stall and I am now very comfortable with things.

I am not getting that vibe with your situation. Always best to trust your spidey senses methinks. On what basis did you decide to give it another go???? How has he been this time round?????

YourHandInMyHand Mon 24-Nov-14 22:29:21

No it doesn't sound great but he can also be caring, kind, helpful, funny, passionate, etc. We got back together as we'd missed each other and I guess maybe I thought it was me focusing in on the bad things and not looking at the good stuff? Being too cautious and on the watch all the time.

This time round I have definitely set out what I do and don't want, I just can't shake this worrying.

Yes and no to the lonely thing. I quite like my own space but I do miss adult company and conversation sometimes too.

Either I'm worrying too much and can't enjoy being with someone or
He's a knob and I need to have another break up. sad

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 24-Nov-14 22:31:51

That niggling doubt making you feel anxious? That's your instinct telling you this guy is bad news. Don't ignore it.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 22:33:31

The bad things in your list cancel out the good things, I am afraid

YourHandInMyHand Mon 24-Nov-14 22:35:05

sad

I've done that Clare's law check and I get to find out if it brought anything up tomorrow. I realise that even doing the check in the first place shows I don't trust him but it's freaking me out. I feel sad and silly that I've got back with him when I don't quite think he's capable of being a good healthy partner.

At the moment we are just dating, not seeing each other a lot, not texting loads, the pressure is off and it's nice, we are really happy together but I'm aware of how things went last time. (There was no violence just moodiness)

YourHandInMyHand Mon 24-Nov-14 22:36:50

Do normal healthy people never get paranoid/ clingy/ moody? I'm genuinely asking BTW. I'm realising I don't KNOW what a good man would be like and that makes me feel very hopeless. How do you know what levels are acceptable and what is bordering on unhealthy?

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 22:39:00

No, generally in what should be the honeymoon stage of a relationship, paranoia/clinginess/moodiness is not "normal"

I wouldn't toerate it later on either though, it has to be said

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 22:39:52

*tolerate

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 24-Nov-14 22:42:51

You should always focus on the bad things as those are the things that, if left unchecked, become the things that dominate a relationship. Bearing in mind, at the start of the relationship, most people will play those down until they have you hooked.

Why waste your time?

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 24-Nov-14 22:44:01

I have to say if i thought it was worth checking Claire's law on a potential partner, then that would not be the partner for me.

Lacoba66 Mon 24-Nov-14 22:45:39

No "normal people" don't get paranoid/clingy/moody. Most of us at the start of a relationship are on our best behaviour as we want to impress!

Your partner seems to have missed this & if you are already seeing more negatives than positives, then I would say that your natural alarms are going off.

Please remember that the twats of this world are not ALWAYS grumpy and clingy ( otherwise you would have run a mile already) but, when your gut is already telling you to be aware, then please listen to it.

Ihatechoosingausername Mon 24-Nov-14 22:46:27

Sounds like you're trying to 'make' it work in your head. Stop that if you have any respect for yourself.

dadwood Mon 24-Nov-14 22:50:49

Several red flags on him so soon and you are doubting your own judgement?

I think you should leave the space free for someone who doesn't cause you this much anxiety.

dadwood Mon 24-Nov-14 23:02:12

I am probably not a normal man, what does one look like anyway?

You ask: Do normal healthy people never get paranoid/ clingy/ moody?

I don't think so, not significantly, not when they are fully grown adults. it's a sign of problems to me

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 24-Nov-14 23:15:24

And when they step it up 'you knew i was paranoid, moody, clingy - ive never hidden it' as they slowly isolate you from all your chums.

dunfightin Mon 24-Nov-14 23:21:41

Normal looks like someone saying why they are moody or a bit down. Just as a statement of fact not looking at you to solve their problem or expect you to make them feel better, not pinning everything on one relationship, having their own friends and accepting you have yours.
Have you met his friends/family? What does he say about his previous partner or why his earlier relationships failed?
If you find trusting your senses hard then maybe you are not ready to date yet. Take a look at the Freedom Programme to sharpen your sense of self-worth. You can do it for free online. If his behaviour and rest of his life don't reassure you and make able to trust him, then simply don't. Every day you spend with him, you could spend on yourself or on finding someone who doesn't raise doubts.

YourHandInMyHand Tue 25-Nov-14 08:12:15

yes I think I am trying to make it work in my head sad . ive briefly met his brother and his best friend and they seemed nice but ive not spoken to them extensively. he hates his ex, thats my main red flag he took her to court for access and has nothing nice at all to say about her. hmm My ex isnt my favourite person but I can talk about him withouat venom, hes the father of my child.

Ive woken up feeling sad, I think I do know so why is it hard? And how am I going to break things off when right now on the surface everything is good?

loveareadingthanks Tue 25-Nov-14 08:31:59

I know what you mean. I came out of an EA relationship and was mixed up with how relationships should be and where the limits are. Either putting up with too much, or being too determined not to take any shit and overreacting to minor stuff.

I now live with my bf, and he was rather mixed up as well when we met. He was sometimes paranoid, and he was clingy and moved far too quickly. We spoke about it and he backed off. As his confidence rose (he had his own baggage) he relaxed and the paranoid stuff stopped. This all happened fairly quickly though, I remember thinking ok you've got stuff to get over as well, but I'm not a liferaft for you, I'm not looking for a fixer-upper, you need to sort your behaviour out pronto. I don't think I'd have put up with months of it.

Moodiness is a deal breaker for me though, having lived before with a real moody sod. It's so childish and depressing.

Never mind him though. If you feel the need to do a legal check on him, and you feel uncomfortable with him for a couple of other reasons (the ex is a big red flag. You don't have to like them, and if he's had to go to court for access I can understand hard feelings, but as you say they are the other parent of your child and deserve some respect for that), maybe you and he are each not quite ready to start dating again with anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 08:32:28

It's hard because you're describing someone who is an 80%, maybe 90% fit and you're not convinced that the missing 10% is all that bad yet. (It is, in case you're wondering) It's never a nice prospect ending a relationship, so that's a barrier. You were single for six years and - I'm just guessing - you were probably looking forward to not spending Christmas alone for once.

gottafindaman4yagirl Tue 25-Nov-14 08:38:41

your I had the same horrible anxiety about a man I was dating, it made me feel terrible. I was unsure of my instincts but once I spoke to friends and family. They could see why I was feeling anxious. I didn't have a abusive ex, I didn't feel like this when I was head over heels with my ex. The beginning should start off very well with excitement and good vibes.
Once I broke it off i felt doubtful and worried i would be alone. Few days later all anxiety gone and i feel optimistic again.
Listen to your gut feelings, when someone shows us who they are we should believe them because you can't change them.

YourHandInMyHand Tue 25-Nov-14 18:37:52

Yes cogito I was. sad You are right 90% really really good. We do click but he definitely has issues/ baggage.

In between our time apart I had a nasty friendship group type break up and feel very isolated now. I don't want the friendship group back, it was me that walked away but they were my main source of socialising and support.
I feel very isolated. My mum and my nana are lonely singletons and I can see me going the same way, maybe I am just destined to be on my own forever. sad

The police appointment today turned out to be more form filling rather than answers. I think I will look into the freedom programme, I never got offered it when I broke up with DS's dad and I'm thinking I need it.

My friends and sis don't like him due to his controlling behaviour last time we were together.

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