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Why do I care so much?

(8 Posts)
Jezzabelle Mon 24-Nov-14 21:51:42

5 weeks ago I found messages from another woman on DHs phone. He told me that he had been planning on leaving me for her after Christmas. We separated and I know it's permanent, (I don't want him back). He had never even met this other woman, just had contact online and on the phone. Our relationship has been a battle for years. He is not a bad man but has been suffering from depression for some time. He has been suicidal and got very close to an attempt after we argued after I found the stuff on his phone. Actually, it was not just one other woman, he was on sex sites and talked to lots. It was just that this one was someone he developed strong feelings for.

It's obviously been a very difficult time, particularly when having to tell the DCs, (8 and 6). He is living at a friend's during the week and back at weekends at the moment. He went to spend the weekend with his new girlfriend for the first time this weekend. All my friends tell me it won't work and there'll probably be no chemistry between them. The weird thing is, that doesn't seem to make it any better. I couldn't bare to see him heartbroken. Much as it's very difficult to think of him with some other woman, I worry about him! I couldn't make him happy and I was tired of battling in our relationship. Maybe someone else can make him happy. I have two perfect DCs and at the moment that's more than enough for me. He should be back at his friends now and I just text him to tell him about our DC's school assembly which is later this week. He hasn't text back and I'm feeling anxious. I just want him to be ok....I really do appreciate that this must sound like madness! I don't really get it myself.

Not sure what I expect you to say. Just putting it out there!

dadwood Mon 24-Nov-14 22:39:14

Hi Jezzabelle

It sounds as if you have been putting yourself to trouble trying to keep him happy for years even though he has behaved very unreasonably. Could it be that you are in a strong habit of trying to make him happy for nothing in return? Even though you aren't with him, you are still trying to protect him and keep him happy?

I don't think his happiness is an any way your responsibility, especially as he has treated you and your relationship with him with disdain.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 22:45:09

What dadwood said

Although it sounds like you detached from the romantic part of your relationship some time ago, and now your role appears to be that of caretaker. Such habits can be hard to break.

Jezzabelle Mon 24-Nov-14 22:56:17

Maybe I am in a caretaking role partly. I think it's difficult not to be when I have seen him so desperately low. Although I know that he has behaved badly and that I don't want him back, I guess a part of me still loves him.

dadwood Mon 24-Nov-14 23:08:00

Jezzabelle It's only been 5 weeks. If you exercise your detachment a little every day, it'll get better.

It's his life and you will wear yourself out being his safety net!

Jezzabelle Mon 24-Nov-14 23:23:56

exercise your detachment a little every day

Thank you dadwood. I think this is good advice. You're right, it will wear me out. I know I have to let him live his own life and look after himself, or find his own support to get him through. It is tough, but maybe little by little I can move away.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 23:25:02

He's a grown man, love

Not your responsibility, and not your job to look after him

Put yourself and your dc first now

Jan45 Tue 25-Nov-14 16:26:02

He treated you like shit and now you are worrying if he is ok, he sounds fine to me, depression obviously didn't stop him feverishly cheating on you, has now left you for some bint but yet you allow him to come stay with you at weekends, yes, it does sound like madness.

All I can say is please put yourself first now, he's been doing it for years, take a leaf out his book.

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