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Boyfriend broke up with me - but giving mixed messages

(86 Posts)
hiphoplollipop30 Mon 24-Nov-14 21:18:02


If you're taking the time to read this, thank you.

I want to keep it quite brief as I could probably type all this out for hours smile

We're both 30, we were together for 5 years. He had a brain aneurysm 6 months into our relationship and suffered from bad depression after this, and his personality seemed more volatile, dramatic and mean at times.

To say our relationship was a struggle for me is putting it mildly. Constant mood changes, negativity, selfishness etc. But I always had the hope that our day would come.

Then I lost my job and had to move home (2 hour train ride away) and things settled a bit, because of the distance I imagine. He avoided committing to me though, didn't seem desperate to have me back in London or to move in with me etc.

You know how someone verbally attacks you, and everything they're saying is a description of themselves? That happened a lot. It was like there was a switch in his head that went off every few weeks without fail. Then would try and carry on like nothing had happened.

I wanted out this past September because he was being so mean and rubbish and tried to communicate this to him, he got angry etc. A week later he was adamant that we shouldn't give up on our relationship and will I come down to London as he has planned something for our 5 year anniversary.

Me being a big softie, I agreed. It was a great weekend.

Two weeks later he called me to say he was not happy, and his feelings aren't as strong for me anymore - he basically said everything I had said the weeks previously. I was upset, but I agreed this can't go on.

He said the ideal for him would be, when I get back from travelling (Jan - March) that we settle down properly if we still love each other.

I didn't grasp onto this. He still wanted me to visit for my birthday the following week and to take me out etc. I went down to London but with my friends and had a fun few days. He came to the night do and was all attentive etc like he was still my boyfriend. Then at the end of the night (after he'd had a few) he burst into tears, cried like a baby.

The day of my birthday he took me shopping and spent £700 on me. Then took me out for dinner - then it all went south and that horrible side to him creeped out and he told me I was always negative and cynical - this was at my birthday dinner.

The night was ruined. Great memory.

The next morning he apologised and said he loves me, do I love him too? I said yes. He said lets hold each other as this may be the last we see each other.

What? Last week it was a different story.

I left London that day, I was very upset for the next week just because he had tarnished the memory of my birthday so horribly and the messages he was giving me were so mixed.

He keeps contacting me about every other day, just mundane topics that are to do with his life, not mine.

Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't.

Then he texted me this "I'm unhappy that we couldn't be together. Because I do love you, you were a great girlfriend, but we just shouldn't be together."

I agreed with him, stayed unemotional.

The thing that has messed my head up, is the mixed messages and odd behaviour - I can guarantee if I still lived in London he would have turned up at my door at some point or asked to see me. But being up here its easier to not have me on his mind I guess.

Just trying to move on, but interested to know other people's opinions, or if you have experienced something similar.

Any feedback would be hugely appreciated - trying to sort my head out smile

Thank you xx

Botanicbaby Mon 24-Nov-14 21:32:38

I think you need a clean break from him. You need time alone to think clearly about what you want.

I don't think the relationship sounds like it has been much fun. Don't hang around to listen to his 'mixed messages'. He sounds like a total head fuck.

I am always wary of people who spend effusive amounts of money on birthday presents and other gifts anyway. I'd rather have a great day that cost nothing than someone who made expansive gestures such as that.

I think you will sort your head out just fine once you have taken a step back from him and don't let yourself be lured in to his emotional blackmail. The texting sounds like its all about meeting his needs and not yours. You have your travelling to look forward to, I bet you will see things very differently after that. I know break-ups aren't ever easy, esp not after 5 years but I think you will be happier in the long run.

MuttonCadet Mon 24-Nov-14 21:33:20

You can't live like that, he sounds like an over emotional drama queen.

I think you'll look back in time and thank your lucky stars this is over.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 24-Nov-14 21:45:23

He sounds like a nightmare. Cut contact and you will feel much better.

SandyJ2014 Mon 24-Nov-14 21:45:52

Ehrmagaaaahhhhdddd...he sounds like a TOTAL borey-boots!! Groan. plenty of fun, sexy straightforward non moody guys out there for you to gorge on....forget this one totally (block him from your phone) and move on! have fun!

DollStar Mon 24-Nov-14 23:05:22

Just go NC. Hes too much trouble and you are wasting your years on an abuser

chocorabbit Mon 24-Nov-14 23:17:44

On one hand he liked being with you (makes you have good feelings for him) and on the other hand you two shouldn't be together (why should he admit that he wants you? It's below him. YOU should turn and beg him).

He is a self centred narcissist.

hiphoplollipop30 Mon 24-Nov-14 23:27:47

Loved all your advice - made me feel much better.

Messed up how you can't think logically in these situations, when I've known all along if I had a friend telling me what I was telling them I'd be like 'leave, immediately'.

It's strange to imagine a guy treating me like I know I deserve, I know its possible, just been so long of struggling with this relationship and not getting what I needed/wanted.

I agree about the gift buying thing, I only accepted the gifts because I thought sod it, after everything I've done for this guy.

I don't like to argue with anyone, especially my bf, but he'd grab things out of thin air to argue about or for a reason not to see me etc.

I know he's done me a favour, I know it. Just hurts right now, and I need to be tough. What I wanted to respond to that text with was something like "oh piss off!" smile

Took the high road instead like always, damnit!

He asked me yesterday if I would mind if he put pics of his bday on FB (his is this weekend), since he ruined my birthday, and also asked me what was that wine he liked - so mundane.

Wrapdress Tue 25-Nov-14 00:45:13

I always thought "mixed signals" came from "mixed emotions" and you can ride that roller-coaster for years as they go back and forth and side to side going from emotion to emotion. Good idea to move on...

Aussiebean Tue 25-Nov-14 05:48:19

I imagine he is keeping you on the hook so that if he finally decides he wants you, you are there ready.
I would clean break now.

Heal over the next month, then have a great time travelling knowing that you are free from having to think about him and his moods and can enjoy everything.

Mumraathenoisylion Tue 25-Nov-14 05:55:58

He sounds horrific and possibly a sociopath, don't waste another day of your young single time on him. Have a wonderful time travelling.

Madamecastafiore Tue 25-Nov-14 06:10:32

Blimey, run for the hills, stop answering messages and do not answer the phone. You sound as though you have had a lucky escape.

staplemind Tue 25-Nov-14 06:47:01

Tell him you are blocking his number and do just that.

You need to have time by yourself to find out again who you are and what you need.
After 5 years of this type of relationship it will take you few months or maybe more so traveling away is well timed.

I would have list of things to do to keep my mind and hands occupied not to respond to him and just wait until the day you won't think of him and that is going to be your new habit.

WildBillfemale Tue 25-Nov-14 07:06:25

5 years of this nonsense? It really shouldn't be this much work in the early days.
'Working at it' should come when a good relationship hits a rough patch, Not to constantly try and make a poor relationship/match good.

You need to tell him as you are no longer in a relationship he needs to stop contacting you. He's too cowardly to make a clean break so you need to do it. These 'mixed messages' are just him keeping you as a safety net on case he doesn't actually meet anyone else soon, don't fall for it.
Throw yourself into planning your travels with the knowledge that you don't have this pointless sack of skin clinging to you as a binky. You will have a fantastic time and meet all sorts of wonderfull people, see great places etc.

Ckean break - no phone calls, no text, no Facebook no postcards from trips etc. It's over, clean slate for the right man.

tribpot Tue 25-Nov-14 07:21:43

He asked me yesterday if I would mind if he put pics of his bday on FB (his is this weekend), since he ruined my birthday

This is so manipulative. He's trying to get you to say yes fine, so that he can later throw it back to you as "you can't have been that upset about your birthday, because when I showed remorse, you said it was fine". Er, WTF now?

Forget about your feelings for him for a moment. He does not love you. He enjoys manipulating you, he enjoys unsettling you by blowing hot and cold because every time you go back to him it reinforces his feeling of power over you.

Block him on Facebook and tell him to stop contacting you. You are worth so much more than this.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 25-Nov-14 07:24:22

Any time you are tempted back with him read your opening post and imagine this going on forever and in fact getting worse sad

Relationships are meant to be rewarding.

Don't go near him. In fact no contact best option.

Whocansay Tue 25-Nov-14 07:53:09

I don't think this message is mixed. He's telling you loud and clear that he's a complete arsehole. Cease all contact and block him.

Cabrinha Tue 25-Nov-14 07:58:16

He's a head fuck.
I wouldn't have been comfortable about £700 in presents.
Just cut him off.

Jan45 Tue 25-Nov-14 13:26:10

I think you are amazing not to have told him to fuck right off. He's a mess and you are suffering at his hands, as has been said, cease contact, delete, block, do whatever to have time away from him, even his messages.

I think he knows by the past that he can get away with treating you like shit and then reeling you back in again because well basically you are a nice person, him on the other hand is a complete nutcase. Don't think you will regret anything, he's far too much hard work.

tipsytrifle Tue 25-Nov-14 19:42:40

I think for your own sanity it's wise to let this relationship go. Brain aneurysms are life/personality changers. It's a sad truth but he literally isn't the guy you met any more and he won't be again. He isn't going to "get better".

hiphoplollipop30 Wed 26-Nov-14 15:58:47

He is a big mess, but has no idea. Fair enough if someone acknowledges they're a nightmare but I don't think he sees himself as the problem - probably can't even compute his feelings - sure as hell has never been able to sit down and tell me how he's feeling.

In fights he would always ignore me afterwards, for days and one time, weeks. Yet when I asked what I'd done wrong, I'd get "you should know" type messages, which makes it fairly obvious, I didn't do anything wrong angry

He knows he can get away with it because I'm a nice person, even I would probably take advantage of a partner that let me get away with anything.

I was going to send him his birthday card but I don't think I will, he'll be expecting me to.

I didn't tell you what he'd put on the end of that 'we shouldnt be together' text:

"Now I feel guilty that I've messed your life up and wasted time you can't get back. I've cried from this guilt. I'm so sorry"

Surely feel guilty for being a shit more often than not? Why would anyone lead someone on?! I made it clear I believe in marriage and would love a family of my own, why not say "erm Im not that into that idea actually" than just stay with me?

He was truly horrid in the last few months, disappointing me constantly and throwing it back in my face like I'd done something wrong. Someone can seem so normal but deep down they're on another planet.

Not that this excuses his behaviour, but he doesn't have a good family background. His parents argued almost daily since he can remember, and I think it got physical (his mum to his dad though), she was an alcoholic at one point but still drinks a fair bit, they never married, his dad would ignore his mum for weeks while living in the same house, his uncle came to live with them for a few years and refused to speak to his mum all of that time, but nobody knew why.

As much as I love his parents, because they've always been very loving to me and welcoming, I can't help but be mad at them - don't people think about argueing away from their kids? I suppose I can't really comment, but do you think experiences from our childhood map out how we're going to be in a relationship of our own?

I suppose some people vow to do the opposite and are very loving partners.

ChrissCrossCrunch Wed 26-Nov-14 17:38:38

He's got issues - thye are his issue so leave him to them.

Just move on; go NC and get yourself a life that doesn't include him. You are wasting your life.

tipsytrifle Wed 26-Nov-14 18:05:18

I feel so sorry for you. He is very damaged by the aneurysm; there are glimpses, it seems, of the original him but truly, his brain doesn't work like it did before and his personality is shattered ... if he's had a rubbish upbringing then who knows how it's all compounded ... but it would be best not to over think this. Take your life back, hiphop ... go and get happy ...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 26-Nov-14 19:43:48

You're making infinite excuses for him still, OP. Some people go through brain injuries and don't survive them only to be vile to their loved ones, they grasp life by the hands. They make changes - but not like this.

I think if you don't block him from everything, you'll never get him out of your mind and you'll carry on which this 'romeo and juliet' version of "He's perfect, if only...".

He's not perfect, far from it. He's supposed to love you and this is how he shows you. I think he's manipulative and conniving, planning the break-up in advance, making sure you knew how much he spent on your birthday - and then ensuring that he spoilt it for you. He made you come to spend it with him and this is what he did... what a disgraceful, self-absorbed man.

He's playing with you still. Asking you what wine he likes? FFS. If a friend did this to you would you entertain these stupid questions? No, you wouldn't.

You're worth very much more; he'll never give that to you. Stay and play or move on and meet somebody else who doesn't behave like a goady dick.

hiphoplollipop30 Wed 26-Nov-14 20:41:21

All your advice is dead on - thank you all so much x

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