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Talk me through this....exw contact issues

(9 Posts)
Wotsitsareafterme Mon 24-Nov-14 21:02:51

I have a dp of 6 months. He is the resident parent of one dc aged 8. I have 2 dc between 3 and 7. We are both divorced. My exh has the dc every other weekend and one night in the week. Sometimes we adjust the routine for various reasons but we can both rely on each other not to change it at the last minute. We are not best mates by any stretch but a contact routine has been maintained a good few years now.
Dp and exw whole different story. The short version is that (from my perspective) she has dp ds pretty much only whe she feels like it and frequently cancels contact with little notice. Since I have been around dp has tried to insist on every other weekend inline with my dc being with exh so we can have time on our own. Exw tries to get out of having their ds every fortnight and usually cuts the contact short sometimes by a whole night.

For various reasons I knew she would mess is around this weekend coming despite do assuring me it would be fine.

I am posting this to stop me losing my rag this time over it and telling dp to grow a pair and put his foot down because I cannot plan my life around the whims of this woman. This issue is draining away my faith in the relationship and I'm v dome about it.

Sorry for somewhat vague details I don't want to out anyone.

Windywinston Mon 24-Nov-14 21:11:30

I feel really sorry for your DP's DS. He seemingly has a mother who cares very little for him, but rather than make up for that by providing him with a stable home in which he is very much wanted, you and DP want to pack him off to a mother who doesn't want him. Parenting isn't a part time job to suit your relationship needs.

I appreciate that it's frustrating because you have a good arrangement with your ex, but this is obviously not the case for your DP.

If you can't get weekends off then you can still get a babysitter so that you can go out for dinner/drinks.

Wotsitsareafterme Mon 24-Nov-14 21:15:59

Windy there's that too - I have been c panicky in the past about ds going to his mother seemingly unwanted but the contact since September (when it happens) has been very positive according to ds. More recently exw volunteers contact so we make plans then she withdraws it last minute if that makes sense.

Wotsitsareafterme Mon 24-Nov-14 21:18:44

Ds has a c stable home with his dad - v much part if the attraction for me but long before I came along dp was tearing his hair out pleading for a regular break from parenting. We average one night a fortnight together. We don't have resources/cash for a regular babysitter plus since my dc are away from me quite a bit I don't think it's fair on them

Windywinston Mon 24-Nov-14 21:26:10

In that case, can he set up a contact order through the courts? I don't know how this works but maybe worth thinking about.

The problem is that your DP can't force his ex to see their DS if she doesn't want to, it's not a reflection of his commitment to you.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 24-Nov-14 21:34:12

Do you know why this boy's mother is unreliable over contact? Does she work shifts, have drink or drug or health issues, or do you think she wants to punish your DP for being the one who has custody? Sometimes when you know why a person is behaving in a way that inconveniences or upsets you then it's easier to work around it.

Wotsitsareafterme Mon 24-Nov-14 21:41:00

Ds elected to live with his dad originally.still does. No drug etc or mental health that I know of. She has a full time job which you have to be qualified to do. She has local family support. Dp has none. Her family maintain contact with ds but what what I can gather, refuse to do all the contact for her if that makes sense?

mynewpassion Mon 24-Nov-14 21:41:15

He can set up a contact schedule via the courts all he wants, it doesn't mean that his ex will stick to it.

I think you just either ditch the relationship, pay for a babysitter, or accept that his son is going to be there 24/7.

Wotsitsareafterme Mon 24-Nov-14 21:46:27

Mynewpassion - I'm leaning that way - to ditching - though I feel very consumerist about it.
In the abstract I can accept ds being there all the time. I love him to bits he's great. In reality though we have tried so hard to let our relationship develop away from the dc and have been very selective about what we excuse them too. We do days out altogether which have been brilliant but both don't feel ready for sleepovers with kids present. Also as lone parents we are just desperate for off duty time together hmm

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