Friends who blow hot and cold, and friends who want it all on their terms

[PenelopePee]

Struggling with a few friends problems at the moment.

Firstly, a friend who blows hot and cold and so I never know where I stand with her. We used to see each other quite a lot, but when we met she'd sometimes be moody and very hard work and act like she didn't want to be there. So I cut back on the amount of time that I spent with her (which handily co-incided with me going back to work), however she is still very hot and cold with her moods and I am questioning whether or not I really want to bother with her any longer.

We see each other on the school run most mornings and sometimes she's all chirpy and nice and wants to chat, and at other times, like this morning, she walked straight past me and ignored me when I said hello and just glared at me. I don't want a full on chat every morning but a friendly "hello, how are you?" is surely no bother? She always seems nice enough with other people, and chats animatedly to them and is smiling away.

The second is a friend that I went to school with and we have stayed in touch over the years. However she is such a control freak and will only ever meet up with me at her suggestion, and when it suits her. I never bother suggesting anything anymore to her as it's always a blanket No. Yet she gets extremely put out if I won't drop everything to fit in with her plans. I get that we all have our own lives and we all want things to fit in with us, but surely sometimes a bit of give and take is needed?

It just pisses me off as there's never any flexibility from her. Even for things like coming out for a meal for my birthday are a No. Unless she suggests and organises it, ie the time/venue/date/company suit her, then she is not interested.

How do I handle both of these situations?

[ChrissCrossCrunch]

Get some new friends - these two don't seem to be bringing much joy into your life.

[kiwibella]

that is so much easier said than done CCC. I agree you need to take a break and worry less about their behaviour. Enjoy the time that you do spend with your friends.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I guess the 2 things you can do in the scenarios you describe, are (1) always meet 'hot and cold' friend's eye with a neutral expression, not a ready smile - her rudeness in staring and glaring has lost her your automatic bonhomie, and I wouldn't be so happy to respond to her 'up' times knowing how prepared she is to be rude when she wants to. (2) so control freak gets put out when you don't fall into line - so what? You're put out when she declines your invites - I doubt that bothers her, so don't let her huffs bother you! You might find the friendship works better if you both feel able to say no. Or she might flounce off - in which case , she can find herself a friend who doesn't mind being bossed about. You're not that friend

[The411]

Sometimes it's easier to just accept that's how some people are.
Just get on with your life as you want it and without them in it. If they want to make appearances in your life then you can welcome it if it suits you.

Friend 1 - I'd just carry on saying hello with a smile and leave her to it. She must be someone who gets stressed easily and it's probably something else affecting her, rather than you.

Friend 2 - if you enjoy her company and still want to see her, let her carry on making the arrangements. If it doesn't suit you, just say no and hopefully she ll rearrange.

Focus on the people who matter.

[springydaffs]

It is easier said than done - but it has to be done!

hot-and-cold - back off from her. You're not up for being picked up and dropped when she feels like it. You don't have to make a fuss, just set a boundary: you're not up for being treated like that. It's often the invisible boundaries that are the most effective. Don't bother wasting your breath giving her a ticking off, she's not worth the effort.

control freak - I have a friend like this and I have backed off almost totally. I am not interested in being an accessory to someone's life. I do see her - I'm not interested in a blowout - but I make sure I am not in any way in her power. eg I will never again get in her car (I've managed to do this surprisingly easily). She doesn't like it and huffs a bit but I ignore it totally and carry on as though nothing is happening.

Get some friends who value and respect you and your company, not use you to fulfil their needs. You have needs too - namely, the need for respectful friendships. That is a legitimate need and it's up to you to pursue and ensure it.