Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Tad confused

(34 Posts)
Notacluedo Sun 23-Nov-14 22:44:50

Just typed a loooong post but it deleted so I'll make this one brief.

DH works away during the week and usually leaves early on Monday morning. We have four young children. He has a high sex drive, I don't at the moment. You can see where this one's going.

He said he was off to bed. I assumed he was showering so finished off what I was doing and went up 15 minutes later. He was lying in the dark so I asked what he was doing and he got really angry. Why hadn't I come up with him, why was I still fully clothed and why couldn't I show a modicum of interest. He feels entitled to regular sex as it's one of the things he enjoys most. I enjoy it too but could go for a while without. It has become a thing now. If we didn't have sex when we could have during a weekend, he gets in a foul mood for the next day or longer. I would never tell him I wasn't in the mood - it wouldn't be worth it. Anyway, I digress. So he got really angry, told me he should have left when the children went to bed as he's wasted the evening and drove to the city he works in and will now be in a mood all week.

It all happened so quickly - I told him I'd assumed he knew that's why I was coming upstairs, given that's what happens most weekends. He wants me to be more interested. I get that. I don't want it to be a duty either but seriously, if this is the reaction then how can it not be an issue? I can't pretend to be a sex kitten if I don't feel like one. Or should I? He wants me to want sex more but I can't help it. And with this pressure, it's even more of an issue.

So I'd just like to know if I'm being unfair? It's so hard to see when you're in it! He makes huge sacrifices for us and I love him - he wants to be loved and appreciated. I understand that. Should I be making more of an effort? And if so, how, please?! Thanks in advance.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 22:47:51

Are you asking us how to hang on to your husband by having sex that you don't want ?

The only answer to that is don't

Notacluedo Sun 23-Nov-14 22:50:57

No, not really, or maybe? More that I know the answer isn't to have sex if you don't want to be in reality, does he have a point?

I'm lucky enough, thanks to him, not to have to go to work so I can stay at home with the kids. I sort of feel like I owe him that. And of course I want him to be happy but it's caused so many problems over the years.

I've just reread all of that and I sound so young and I know exactly how I'd answer if I read someone else posting similar.

Notacluedo Sun 23-Nov-14 22:51:39

*but in reality.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 22:53:10

What point is it that you think he might have ?

That you should have sex you don't want ?

That he is entitledd to have sex on you because he is a good provider ?

Notacluedo Sun 23-Nov-14 22:58:20

Yep. It reads really badly. He makes it sound so simple. 'He doesn't ask for much...'

Thanks, btw. I've often admired your posts.

RandomMess Sun 23-Nov-14 22:58:50

Just sad that you can't discuss this with him.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 23:03:31

Yes, he does ask for "much"

He wants you to overlook the fact that you don't want as much sex as he does and do it anyway to please him

The 1950's were a long time ago thankfully, for most of us at least. He has no right to expect anything if he is of the mind that sex should be a mutually pleasurable pastime.

FluffyMcnuffy Sun 23-Nov-14 23:04:33

You are absolutely not required to have sex with your husband when you don't want to just because his job allows you to be a SAHM.

Queenofwands Sun 23-Nov-14 23:10:01

Do you think he was picking a fight? If he was that horny he wouldn't have left without the sex that was on offer. Does he hate his job?

Windywinston Sun 23-Nov-14 23:12:25

You say you're lucky that he allows you to be a SAHM, so you feel like you owe him. If you look at that a different way, he's lucky to have you as a SAHM so he can concentrate on his career without having to worry day to day about the needs of his children and the domestic chores. If he works away all week, you're basically left to manage everything alone, so you're putting an awful lot into your partnership so no, you don't owe him.

The only thing you owe to each other is to be respectful of each other's needs, and he doesn't sound like he is. It's ok to want sex with your partner, but if they don't fancy it, it's not ok to throw a massive strop about it, particularly since it sounds like you rarely withhold from him. What sort of person wants to have sex with someone knowing they're not really feeling it?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 23:13:45

QOW...what ?

Notacluedo Sun 23-Nov-14 23:15:40

We do talk about it (usually when it hasn't happened that way he'd like) but it always ends up the same way. He definitely feels short changed.

queen nope, I don't think he was picking a fight. He's not really like that. It's now just such an emotionally charged subject that if we don't manage it for whatever reason it's a disproportionate response (I think. He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. And odd).

Tobyjugg Sun 23-Nov-14 23:16:54

What windy said.

Notacluedo Sun 23-Nov-14 23:17:54

windy that's how I see it in rational moments too but then he believes the flip side to be true. If I were truly respectful of his needs, I'd be more enthusiastic.

Chippednailvarnish Sun 23-Nov-14 23:22:32

If I were truly respectful of his needs, I'd be more enthusiastic

If he were truly respectful of your needs, he'd be be more sensitive.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 23:25:11

Does he want you to pretend ? To fake it ? No respectful partner would want that, surely ?

Windywinston Sun 23-Nov-14 23:28:34

So all the compromise has to be yours?

Does he appreciate your contribution to your partnership, or does he make you feel like you should be grateful to him?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 23:31:16

The SAHM situation is a red herring.

If he is attempting to coerce you into sex he is waaaaay out of order.

ChimesAndCarols Sun 23-Nov-14 23:34:30

How does he manage his sexual desires when he is away all week?

Windywinston Sun 23-Nov-14 23:35:03

I'm not sure it is a red herring, I get the impression reading between the lines he may well use it to make her feel like she owes him whatever he wants, including sex.

If this is what's happening OP you need to see through it.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 23:37:04

Yes, he may try to use the SAHM situation as a tool of coercion

But it is of no consequence if you believe that no person owes another person access to their body.

Accept that basic premise and the individual circumstances are of no account at all

Queenofwands Sun 23-Nov-14 23:42:08

The reason I said that was because you were going to have sex with him ( albeit out of duty ) but he left anyway. He was nasty and described his evening as wasted and left. That tells me it's about more than sex drive....if he's away all week perhaps he is watching porn and he thinks the sex you are up for is too vanilla ( compared to the crap he has been watching) Or he is resentful about something and is using your sex life as a stick to beat you with. It sounds like it's about control to me.

Windywinston Sun 23-Nov-14 23:42:39

Fair point

Windywinston Sun 23-Nov-14 23:42:59

That was to AnyFucker

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now