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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help, I think I am starting to loose interest

15 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 23/11/2014 22:31

DP, will not move in with us fully, despite staying her 4-5 days a week. Been together nearly 4 years. He is perfect in every other way but this issue is really eating me up. I have brought the subject up so many times so now I don't mention it. I know the is no perfect relationship and all relationships need a bit of work sometimes. I am divorced and we are both nearly 40. He has never married and has no DC I have 2.

He says he is not bothered if he never has his own DC but will do the right thing if I ever got pregnant. Please help me accept things I cannot change. I am starting to feel really frustrated and now wondering if I should start dating again. But the I think I have 9/10 the new relationship will bring different issues. Wise words will be greatly appreciated.

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MadeMan · 23/11/2014 22:36

What are his reasons for not moving in full time with you? Has he said?

Does he have his own place, or live at his mum's? If he has his own place then it might just be second thoughts about completely saying goodbye to his independence.

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 23/11/2014 22:43

Thank you Mademan, no he does not live with his mum, he rents in a shared house, I own my house. I have keys to his but I don't go there anymore. He has half his clothes here.

He says he likes things as they are, when I say it's a waste of money, he says we are not short of money. It's so frustrating

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coalscuttle · 23/11/2014 22:47

Living with someone doesnt make it more of a relationship. Love, kindness, mutual respect and interests, supportiveness etcetera none of these are more do because you share an address.

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DollStar · 23/11/2014 22:47

Why do yo want him to move in? Don't you enjoy the time he isn't there with the children?? Its very difficult to please everyone.

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coalscuttle · 23/11/2014 22:51

I have a lovely dp but I'll never share a house with another fault again. I've Been honest with him about that and it sounds like your dp has too. If he really is happy with things As they are I think you need toneither accept that or move on. Why is ii so important to you to live together? no relationship is perfect. If everything else works is it worth ending things over this?

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 23/11/2014 22:57

Thank you everyone, my brain knows that there is more to a relationship than sharing an address, he is loving, cooks most nights, great with the kids although its only one now older one is now in Uni. I do enjoy the time with the kids but its only 2 or 3 school nights he is not here. My DC is in bed by 8pm. I work full time so I don't get in until after 6pm.

I know am being irrational that's why I am frustrated with myself and the situation.

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MadeMan · 23/11/2014 23:07

Are you perhaps worried that he's not completely committed to you because he won't move in full time and if he moved in then that would kind of secure him to you?

Sounds a little bit like you're worried that he'll be off at any moment.

If things are working alright between you both, then really things shouldn't need to change; him moving in full time might cause unnecessary tensions to arise if he doesn't really want to.

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 23/11/2014 23:20

Maybe you hit the nail on the head there, that said my not so dear ex husband was cheating when we lived and worked together so not even a marriage means commitment. If someone wants to cheat or leave they will do it anyway.

I like making a roast on Sunday and hate it when he decides to go back to his. It's a lot of fuss for just me and DS.

He comes from a weird family who don't really have a relationship. All 5 children sent to boarding school from age 7. He spends Christmas and all holidays with us.

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 23/11/2014 23:22

I am not suggesting boarding school is bad, just saying his parents have not fostered a close family relationship with there kids.

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HumblePieMonster · 23/11/2014 23:25

I think you're amazingly lucky he hasn't moved in, or you'd be posting about how to get him out. You have a home and children. Keep him on the side-line as something extra to enjoy when you have time.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/11/2014 07:34

I think his wanting to keep 'one foot on the floor' as it were must feel like he's keeping an eye out for something better. There is a point where you want partner to stop feeling like a house guest and more like... well... family. If that's not what he wants and it's not making you happy any more then I wouldn't waste much more time.

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JaceyBee · 24/11/2014 11:01

Not very helpful but to me that sounds like the perfect arrangement! Can you articulate what it is you don't like about it?

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 24/11/2014 19:09

JaceyBee, I think Cogito put it well, only he does not really feel like a guest because he has a wardrobe here, we joint purchased our bed, he does all the cooking plus cuts the grass etc. helps with school run and all.

Maybe I am just needy, if you can call it that.

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loveareadingthanks · 25/11/2014 01:41

I don't think you want aanything strange or unreasonable. What he wants is an unconventional arragement. It suits him, that's nice for him. It doesn't suit you and I don't think you need to justify that in any way. By 4 years most couples are married or living together. If both are happy with apart-time thing, that's up to them, but you aren't.

Has he ever given you a reason for why? Not wanting change is not really a reason. If he doesn't like change, he'd still be single. Does he need his own space away from you/kids? Does he still have only one toe in the water of commitment? Does he live with a bunch of men and enjoy blokey times with them? What?

Does he see himself ever living with you? When?

If not, you either have to come to terms with it and adjust your idea of what you want from this relationship, or give up and move on.

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Lifeisforlivingkatie · 25/11/2014 20:05

Thank you Lovereading, no he does not give any plausible reason other than , he likes how things are,this is the best and longest relationship he has ever had.

He belongs to the same sports club as me so those 2-3 evenings he is at the club with people I know. He gets in about midnight school nights, calls or starts to text me. From Thursday -Sunday he is here, then back Tuesday. I have keys to his,but no point if he is not there and I have a child in a comfortable home so no brainier.

When asked if he sees us together long term he says a definite yes,when asked if he sees himself changing his mind he says yes, people change, it's great right now why change it.

I have given myself time scales such ,if it does not happen in x months I will end, then that time comes, we have another discussion that goes no where. Tonight I intend to tell him I will start dating again.this situation is Soo stupid. Neither of us wants the relationship to end but keep going round in circles.