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Lonely wife at end of her tether.....

(31 Posts)
meoryou Sun 23-Nov-14 20:00:32

Hmm.. I have posted before using other names. I am a longtime lurker and infrequent poster.

Married 10 years. together 13. 3 dc's. I am currently off work due to a combination of depression and anxiety as a chronic illness that came to a head in May of this year.

In that time we have been together , I got pregnant after 1 year together. He proposed. We got engaged and married when dd was 11 months old.

Our sex life has always been abysmal - in the past I have tried everything to get it going, from nice lingerie to role-play, fantasies, some v light bondage etc. Then it all went quiet. Zero sex. At all. Rejection explained as me having let myself go ... yes had put on a couple of stone, after two kids, a house move and project managing renovations ... but hey-ho none of that must have been important to him!

Fast forward couple of years and the 'truth' finally outs... he stopped having sex with me because he resented me 'trapping him' - that he envied his friends who were still single.

My confidence and sense of self-worth have always been pretty low. Through counselling and some CBT I am working so hard on myself, to build by assertiveness and be more respectful of my own judgement. I have learned and actively practice listening carefully, to understand him.

Our arguments (which are frequent) usually start with me asking him about sthg,.. he half listens/answers another question that I haven't asked .. then I get upset and cross .. he twists it back to me.... Fuck it is exhausting. Its his way or the highway in our hosue generally. I am too frightened to make a move on him as I fear the rejection would hurt too badly... so its down to as and when he fancies a fumble - and I mean literally a fumble. WE don't kiss ... he NEVER gives me oral sex ... (he has a small penis and I often wonder If this plays a part in his ego) He admits himself he is pretty crap at sex but doesn't do anything about it.

Well done if you're still reading!

I am now ridiculously fat, with career dreams in tatters due to my sickness absences. He meanwhile has seen his career grow - everyone thinks he's amazing ... but that's the Jekyll & Hyde in him..... he hasn't been there for me emotionally when I needed him to be... ie reading up on mental illness, understanding it from the sufferer as well as the carer (I want totally self-obsessed). I used to be pretty ... not any more. At the beginning he told me I intimidated him.. Now I am not so sure that's a good thing.

What do I do?

Madamecastafiore Sun 23-Nov-14 20:04:22

Take a pen and paper and write down pros and cons of having him in your life for a start.

Anyone's self esteem would be in tatters living with your DH.

I feel trapped, really, were you holding a gun to his head when he proposed?

mynewpassion Sun 23-Nov-14 20:05:46

End the relationship. Its doing your health no good

MadeMan Sun 23-Nov-14 20:05:55

"Rejection explained as me having let myself go ..."

Bit of a shit excuse really.

FolkGirl Sun 23-Nov-14 20:07:58

Dump him; lose weight; exercise; take up a hobby; restart your career...

You can do anything you want, but I suspect you'll have to get rid of him first.

MadeMan Sun 23-Nov-14 20:11:36

"(he has a small penis and I often wonder If this plays a part in his ego)"

Depends if you've used his small penis against him.

"He admits himself he is pretty crap at sex but doesn't do anything about it."

If he's conscious of his small penis then it probably won't help his bedroom prowess or confidence.

Tobyjugg Sun 23-Nov-14 20:11:50

flowers

meoryou Sun 23-Nov-14 20:19:24

mademan - I have never used it against him .. in fact I told him it worked great and I had no problems with it - I don't want to be mean to him. I agree re your point about prowess but what can I do? I have tried everything. I cant make him change ... I just was wondering out loud if it had an effect on him.

Its the fact that he doesn't include/let me in that also hurts.... he had a vasectomy booked and just didn't attend/contact the centre to cancel. didn't tell me he wouldn't be proceeding .. got put back to the end of the waiting list again.

How can I reasonably tolerate that kind of thinking? I don't know.

meoryou Sun 23-Nov-14 21:15:30

bump..... I need some clarity before I drive myself mad... thanks to everyone that has replied so far.....

ShizeItsWeegie Sun 23-Nov-14 21:39:47

I think his telling you he feels you trapped him shows what sort of person he is. He was as responsible as you for contraception surely? How does he behave towards the DCs?
I am willing to bet that if you eradicated him from your life, you would feel less depressed stressed and miserable and in your shoes I would be keen for that experiment to start as soon as bloody possible. He sounds unbearable. Get organised and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling towards divorce. I would not want to stay with someone that did not want to be with me. Truly you will feel better rid.

PoppyField Sun 23-Nov-14 21:48:13

Jesus Christ he's the father of your three children and he thinks you trapped him? Difficult to know what to say apart from the fact that he sounds unbearable. Anyone would feel miserable and rejected in your shoes. He sounds like a total arsehole. You are worth more than this.

And no, you can't reasonably tolerate that kind of thinking. You know that. And you know that your confidence and feeling of self-worth have been shot to pieces by this man. He is nasty.

Darkesteyes Mon 24-Nov-14 00:47:49

"Rejection explained as me having let myself go .

Utter bullshit. I lost 10 stone and DH still didnt want to know.

It sounds like hes punishing you for something he perceives to be your fault. When it isnt He could have used a condom if he was that bothered.

Hes a nasty piece of work OP.

holeinmyheart Mon 24-Nov-14 01:22:22

Ok, you can't so anything about your DH post but you can do something about YOU. Stop thinking about what he wants and start thinking exclusively about what you want.
First of all you need to get well. So taking it a step at a time get yourself on the right Meds.
If you are depressed you can get Mindfulness on the NHS. The cheapest way to get counselling is to go on a counselling course at a local college.
Have you got a Mum who would help you? Is there anyone who will help you?
When you feel stronger you can set about transforming yourself. If you don't like being fat then you can get diet sheets from the DR or join Weight watchers etc. your post is well written, you are obviously an intelligent person.
Exercise is enormously healthy, especially swimming as it relaxes you. And it produces endorphins. There are special classes in our area for people with Health issues. Remember you are not making the effort for your DH it is for you.

Be nice. Not just to your DH. Getting worked up or embroiling yourself in arguments with him has an effect on your body. It raises your blood pressure and affects your heart. So bite your tongue or just be pleasant but indifferent. It is for your sake not his.

Then start to plan. Go to the CAB and find out your rights. If you can find out how much he earns and how much he has got stashed away, and collect the paper work together, all the better.

What else is there to do? You have been told my your miserable DH that you trapped him. Unless you want to stay with him then you need a plan to escape in the best possible way for you and your children. So take your time and PLAN
Your chronic illness will probably improve if you weren't with him anyway, but you also really need to help yourself, for yourself.
You say that you were once pretty. That person is still there ! Go for it girl.
Best of luck xx

Mybrotherskeeper Mon 24-Nov-14 10:27:26

meoryou.

Its a bad place to be for all of you.

Sounds like resentment has crept in on both sides.

What contraception were you using when you got pregnant the first time.

I have been involved in very a similar situation and may be able to offer thoughts from the mans side.

HumblePieMonster Mon 24-Nov-14 12:01:09

no matter how fat and depressed you are.... he has a small penis! you are already ahead of the game and you're staying there.

take holeinmyheart's good advice. the future has potential. somewhere, out there, are men with larger penises. go find.

wink

meoryou Mon 24-Nov-14 12:19:44

mybrotherskeeper ..... he used to promise to 'withdraw' but generally didn't bother.

I don't know why I didn't kick him to the kerb back then - Jesus I must have been really needy!

I would like to hear the male pov if you're able to share....

Jan45 Mon 24-Nov-14 17:21:32

I just cant get over him rejecting you sexually and saying you've let yourself go - after him making you pregnant 3 times.

He sounds absolutely vile, is it not just the case that the relationship's been over for years, sounds like you're banging your head against the wall.

meoryou Mon 24-Nov-14 19:24:24

thanks everyone....

hole - you give good practical advice ... its hard seeing it on paper and it feeling all the more 'real'

I am undergoing CBT at the minute which is helping me to think about my lack of assertiveness and how hard I am on myself .... hard work ... am exhausted sad

Jan I think you're probably right I just haven't given myself permission to think that splitting would be a viable option. I just feel so sad for the future when he's in it.... I don't see laughter & fun at all. Not nice of me but I cant just conjure up feelings that aren't there anymore. Believe me I have tried confused

mybrotherskeeper Tue 25-Nov-14 07:56:03

If you were using withdrawal method then he cant blame you for getting pregnant; if you were on the pill and he suspected that you secretly came off it, then that would have been different (which happened in the situation I know).

Your hubby has issues - no doubt; but there seems to be much bigger tossers on MN. Chances are the 'trapped' bit and 'let yourself go' bit are just surface issues and not what he truly feels.

You need to be honest with yourself. You've said on a forum that he has a small willy; if this is important enough for you to mention on a forum then he sure as hell will have picked up your attitude towards his knob in real life.

You've tried role play and bondage and complain about no oral sex - but you made no comment on what he thinks about it all. Chances are he thinks my wife thinks I a useless man who cant satisfy her without extremes as she only loves massive cocks (don't want to be crude here but it's how a blokes mind can work).

Also

'I don't know why I didn't kick him to the kerb back then - Jesus I must have been really needy!'

Sounds like its you with the regret and resentment!!!!

There's way more going on here than blaming him for it all and you need to stop and take a minute. You yourself are in a low place with your weight; this has massive consequences mentally and physically.

As HOLE says you seem bright enough to know the ball is in your court as far as exercise and weight loss goes - whether you've the desire and will to get yourself in shape is the unknown bit. I disagree with HOLE about secret CAB meetings, escape plans and snooping around for his cash - that's sneaky shit which would say a lot about you.

If you leave hubby as the situation stands, then the chances are the whole thing will turn nasty, you'll both feel shit about yourselves and each other. You'll still be overweight and a sickie, and he'll still think he's a inadequate man. YOUR DC WILL SUFFER MASSIVELY.

Be honest about it all and you'll find the right way forward whether that's single or together. Carry on blaming it ALL on him and you'll be destined for a life of misery.

rb32 Tue 25-Nov-14 09:43:15

Another Male POV here....he sounds like he's given up on sex and is using your weight as an excuse. As brotherskeeper said, he's probably picked up on the fact you think he's small and you think he's always been 'abysmal' in bed (this combined with watching porn has probably convinced himself he needs to be huge to satisfy a lady). His growing success in the proffesional areas of life probably helps him mask these base insecurities (Jekyll & Hyde). He may even see you weight gain as a sign your not even bothered about keeping him keen sexually and looking good for him, further re-enforcing his belief he just isn't phsically any good and doesn't please you.

However, none of that is your fault.

What should you do? Well I doubt you can really change how he feels. He's not willing to at least try to overcome his insecurities by the sound of it. So, and I don't say this often, you and your children would almost certainly be happier if you split up. Maybe even he would be too. Thing is, have you ever actually sat down and talked about all this together, got everything out in the open? It's certainly worth doing if you haven't.

Darkesteyes Tue 25-Nov-14 21:53:13

Hope you are ok OP.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Nov-14 06:37:29

I think, if he feels 'trapped', you should do him a massive favour and show him the illuminated lights guiding him to the emergency exit. Offer to pack the suitcase even. Call his bluff. If he doesn't take up the opportunity then he's just doing that classic thing of all emotional bullies which is to take delight in making others miserable and use it to control the situation. Once you realise that, he'll lose all his power .... and you can tell him to leave anyway. Less 'CBT' and more 'LTB'.

ShizeItsWeegie Wed 26-Nov-14 07:50:02

Wrap his sandwiches in a map!

meoryou Thu 27-Nov-14 19:16:34

Mybrotherskeeper I mentioned his penis because I wondered if it affected him...and me as a consequence. I have never ever put him down or even mentioned it... so am not sure what he could have picked up on. It's what he does or doesn't do with it that would matter. I am no 'large penis chaser'
I regret not being more assertive when he said he would withdraw and didn't. I've been too much of a doormat.
I cant tell you what he thinks of it all...not sure what you man anyway - because he doesn't talk about it! Or says he'll try and then doesn't. .. so what might that say about us?. .

meoryou Thu 27-Nov-14 19:20:28

He got his bj's, his doggie style sex....underwear, the works....so I reckon I more than played my part in trying...and in listening. .. whereas ive not remotely had the same in return. Now ive reread it your post comes across as pretty mean and not very constructive my

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