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Husband's bad temper enough of a reason to call it day?

(36 Posts)
textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:34:21

Just that really.

Have started other divorce threads but then sometimes don't go back to them because the whole thing is hard to accept (or I keep on meaning to go back to write on them but find that days pass).

Don't know if I should tell h I am thinking of calling it a day, or get my so called ducks in a row first, or even say how difficult I find this and see if he can change it. Not that we have much of a relationship to salvage but we do have 3 dc and the whole thing is terrifying.

I have told him many things by text and email (I find him very difficult to talk to) and we have also been to counselling together (for about 5 sessions before he stopped going) but his rudeness persists. I can only deduce that a. He doesn't like me and b. He has a short fuse and this is unlikely to change.

Somebody I know told me that my emails are confrontational and if what I want is a closer relationship I should approach him in a different way. So then I feel guilty that in fact I really just want to end the marriage and am looking for an excuse confused.

Am 45 and have spent yet another weekend withdrawn from h as I am offended by the way he has spoken to me on various occasions. Don't want to waste my life in this way but the thought of permanently altering my dcs' lives (they are 8, 10 and 13) is awful. Also of wrecking my h's life which is a bit confused as he is hardly sorry about the way he often speaks to me like shit angry.
(Sorry for swearing but expresses how I feel quite well!!).

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 15:36:08

Do the children experience him talking to you like shit?

textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:39:38

Yes they do hear him. They known that he has a short fuse and can be rude.

textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:39:59


TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 23-Nov-14 15:44:47

Permanently altering your DCs lives to one where they don't live in a house with "an atmosphere" and where they don't see their mother put up with being mistreated sounds like a pretty good alteration to me. Not an awful one at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 15:45:58

Then I'm afraid your children are already being damaged by the hostile environment. If wanting to save them from distress is a barrier to you ending the relationship you might want to bear that in mind.

The only reason you really need for a divorce is that there are... to coin a phrase... irreconcilable differences. If you can't communicate with someone because they are intimidating, aggressive or unpleasant, I would say that qualifies.

textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:46:21

Have been thinking I should try and get a Saturday and Sunday job as the weekend is when we get on the worst. He is away 3 days of the week so all in all, if I weren't there at the weekends, it would minimise the time we have to argue.


textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:49:10

Missed your 2 messages cogito and little. I do agree. Am also just scared of the divorce process because if silly things can spark h's anger what is he going to be like if I serve him with divorce papers??

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Nov-14 15:50:24

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Surely not this ongoing poor relationship role model of one in which abuse is ever present. Would you want them to think that this model of a relationship you're both showing them is or becomes their "norm" when they are adults themselves.

Get your legal advice properly sorted out and make plans to leave asap.

textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:50:39

I have a tendency to get hurt easily so then I also wonder if I should grow a thicker skin and h's short fuse wouldn't affect me so much.

EssexMummy123 Sun 23-Nov-14 15:51:54

Why are you putting your kids through this?

textingdisaster Sun 23-Nov-14 15:52:31

It's low level abuse as it were and he can be ok. But the way he can be at other times means that I am permanently withdrawn and if I do let my guard down occasionally it has to go back up as h will invariably be horrible about something or throw his weight around.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 15:53:13

An unpleasant man is going to be a hostile adversary in a divorce case. But if you know that in advance you can prepare yourself and also prepare your solicitor. It'll cost more to get him out of your life than if things were more amicable but that shouldn't put you off.

Imagine peaceful weekends, just you and the DCs, not looking over your shoulders waiting for the next outburst... maybe doing something he'd disapprove of and having a lot of laughs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 15:56:11

It's not low level abuse you're describing, it's quite serious. Never mistake the cessation of hostility for kindness. A dog trained to perform a trick by being hit with a stick will eventually keep doing the trick without the stick being present. The trainer just has to show the stick occasionally to keep the dog nicely cowed....

maras2 Sun 23-Nov-14 16:06:54

texting I'm really not having a go but did he show signs of being a bastard before you were married? If so why did you marry him, have children and then put them kids on the front line of his 'bad temper'.sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 16:08:53

Hindsight is always 20/20 PP. ... hmm No point berating the OP for things that have already happened. It's the future that can be changed, not the past

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Nov-14 16:13:54

Indeed Cog and such men too can be charm personified initially. OP may have met her husband to be when she was in a bad place herself and such people like her H can be very persuasive.

He will not make any aspect of you leaving him at all easy Texting so prepare yourself for him to be completely adversarial and argue every single point till the decree absolute. DO not under any circumstances do mediation with such a man.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 16:25:03

I may have already said this on one of your previous threads but I think it bears repeating

I am the adult child of such a marriage

I have virtually no contact with my father and not much more with my mother

I blame her as much as him for my shitty childhood bearing witness to the behaviour of an arrogant bully and how she appeased him over and over again. She had a choice to live like that and took it to the detriment of her kids emotional well being

She is still with him, hardly knows her own grandchildren, he still treats her like shit

I asked her once was he worth it and she looked at me like she didn't know what I was talking about

Don't be that woman. You will lose your kids in the long run as they tire of watching you lose yourself

scallopsrgreat Sun 23-Nov-14 16:40:57

"Somebody I know told me that my emails are confrontational and if what I want is a closer relationship I should approach him in a different way." hmm Why is it up to you to forge a closer relationship? What is he doing to forge this closer relationship? We are taught from all around to tiptoe around men, appease them when it's their behaviour at fault.

Please don't take this somebody's advice. There is a reason you can't talk to your husband. And that reason isn't you.

Look at your options - you can continue like this indefinitely, your children will learn how to interact with their partners through you and your H's dynamic.


You can draw a line in the sand and make steps to split. Yes by all means get your ducks in a row before hand. But seriously think about whether you want to continue like this for the rest of your life?

He is not going change. So all that is left is either you continue to be abused or you extricate yourself.

grenedeer Sun 23-Nov-14 17:11:49

Have a very similar relationship with my dp. My mum tells me I'm too confrontational but she hasn't witnessed the 100 earlier incidents were dp has shouted me down, so doesn't realise it's defensive behaviour on my part.

If you stood up to him and he miraculously changed and respected you, would you still want to be with him or do you think too much hurt has happened?

FantasticButtocks Sun 23-Nov-14 17:44:51

When he is horrible about something, is rude, or throws his weight about, do you object? Do you stop him, and point out what he is doing? Or is his behaviour too intimidating? To have come to the stage where you are spending most of the time being withdrawn sad is no way to live your life and no way to show your children what is acceptable.

It sounds as though you don't want to be with him anymore, but are too scared to take the steps you need to take to stop this now. But, you are going to have to be brave in either case. Either brave enough to call a halt and end it. Or brave enough to tell him you won't put up with this anymore. It will perhaps be a combination of the two. But bravery is needed, because it sounds like you can't leave things to carry on as they are.

On the fear thing, isn't the thought of living the rest of your life being treated like this more frightening than the thought of a shitty few months divorcing him?

I wish you the courage and strength to do what needs to be done wine

FantasticButtocks Sun 23-Nov-14 17:57:29

And yes, Husband's bad temper enough of a reason to call it day?, yes of course that is reason enough! There is absolutely no reason why anyone should be in a relationship they don't want to be in. And that includes you.

his rudeness persists. I can only deduce that a. He doesn't like me and b. He has a short fuse and this is unlikely to change. What hell to be married to someone and feeling like they don't even like you sad

GelfBride Sun 23-Nov-14 18:59:01

You could have been me. We weren't married but we stayed together 7 years. It was only tolerable because he was away so much with work and I developed an extensive range of ludicrous coping strategies. He was nice in the beginning although we had a row after being together a few weeks and that should have been the deal breaker but I clung on like an idiot. He turned into a really nasty aggressive threatening wanker and I didn't leave because I was afraid of him. This is the small piece of advice I give you from my experience of him was that I called the police to tell them what I was going through and that I was booting him out and he would get nasty definitely. They gave me an incident number to quote in the event that he kicked off and I told him I had called them and had an incident number. He wasn't happy but it made the day he moved out go sweet as a nut. I think it was that that made him realise I was serious and just the detail it needed.
I can guarantee you are suffering in ways you are not aware of. Once you are free of his lordship you will look back and realise just how bad it really was. flowers

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 20:08:03

Will you come to this thread, op, or abandon it like you have the others ?

Madamecastafiore Sun 23-Nov-14 20:14:04

My father was like this and it affected us all badly.

I cannot stand confrontation and turn everything into a joke. My sister is exactly the same as my dad and we do not have a relationship as I can't stand the anxiety not knowing when she is going to flip causes.

I have let people walk over me trying to please them, been taken advantage of terribly all because I didn't want to upset someone.

Please think of what this is doing to your children.

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