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Husband using prostitutes

(32 Posts)
yogagirl22 Sat 22-Nov-14 23:50:52

Hi all,
I need support and advice on a very difficult situation. I found out in March that my Husband of 7 and a half years had been 'researching' prostitutes, brothels, punters net and all kinds of local seedy establishments.
He had also been on scout and other 'dating' websites using explicit talk and pics etc. This come as a total shock as I never had any reason to doubt him previously. After the initial shock and brief separation, be reconciled. It was difficult but after he ran away, started drinking, threatened suicide and got sectioned, I started to rebuild things - as he swore blind it was a curiousity and he never actually had physical contact with any other woman.
I was shocked at his confession (I had evidence of phone bills, texts and web history) so he did eventually have no choice to confess to this, but still maintained his innocence.
We struggled on but obviously this had a huge effect on me mentally, my self esteem, trust and our sex life.
My Mum never believed him and has always had suspicions about his secret life. For example, 10 minutes after calling a local brothel he withdrew £40 (the going rate) at the ATM 5 minutes walk away...
Anyway, he recently went missing again after discovering he has a 17 year old son that his brother always believed was his. I supported him through this (after all it was before I met him) But he pulled out a large sum of money and went missing threatening suicide etc.
He came home and told the mental health team that he does not want to be a burden to me any more and that he stopped the phone call etc in April.
My Mum asked me to consider the possibility that he had used this opportunity to pay for sex and check out his story.
To cut a long saga short, after going into his tablet, and his temporary phone (used for three months until contract changed) I found more web searches, including maps of brothels in Liverpool where he had to wait for four hours for an emergency passport. Prostitute reviews, porn, sites etc. But more disturbingly actual proof...
He went to blackpool on a jolly in September. I found phone number logs the day before and during the Fri /Sat he was there. I called these numbers and they are working girls. Finally three texts with a door tap code/ room and bed no. I distinctly remember him calling me that evening and saying he was leaving the boys out drinking as he had had enough and was calling it a night.
I confronted him, he denied three times and when I told him just said he was leaving. I had a total mental health episode, hit him over the head splitting it open. I then (according to my Son (17) screamed like a lunatic trashing the living room until I remember the police and paramedic taking me away for mental assessment.
I have had a breakdown and do not know what to do....
I had a wonderful life before all of this happened, or I thought I did. Clearly he would rather carry on his secret life than seek help and make a choice to stop.
What should I do, he left now, my son is nearly grown up, but he has had to witness my breakdown. I have crisis team coming round every day, but have been signed off work. I am nearly 44, I feel very alone and scared of what I am capable of. Has anyone else (I really hope not) had to endure this blow to their life and come through sane?
Thanks x

FrancisdeSales Sun 23-Nov-14 00:37:16

Yogagirl, I haven't been through what you are describing - which sounds like hell but I have been through major trauma and survived. You have been severely and horribly betrayed and lied to, who wouldn't have a breakdown, it sounds like a normal reaction to your life blowing up. Remember nothing you did caused this, you can survive this and rebuild your life and you will. Do whatever you need to do that is healthy to heal.

You will survive, you will come through this and your life will be so much better than you can possibly imagine right now.

yogagirl22 Sun 23-Nov-14 01:04:02

Thank you FrancisdeSales, they are comforting words. I really appreciate your kind perspective. I too hope that things will ease.....

FrancisdeSales Mon 24-Nov-14 08:10:13

Yogagirl you may want to ask MN HQ to move this thread to Relationships where I'm sure you will get more response.

How are you doing? Can you talk to anyone in RL? It's important not to keep this to yourself for your own sanity. You should get an STD check-up and talk to a legal professional about your next more when you feel up to it.

You've been on my mind a lot and I hope you come back here for more support x

yogagirl22 Mon 24-Nov-14 13:08:36

Thank you so much for thinking of me, I getting a lot of support from mental health crisis team and of course my friends and family. Getting on with practical stuff, just found out I may be entitled to working tax credits which has cheered me up. Feel a bit run down seem to have a bit of a cold...very slow, still very sad, and angry... How do I move this thread? I am sure lots of other people will be just as kind as you. Thank you it means a lot and I have found just posting gave me a lot of relief. Good to know I not alone.......x

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 13:16:58

Hi there

Report your opening post to HQ and ask them to move it to Relationships x

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Mon 24-Nov-14 14:16:01

It is early days for you, it is good you are getting support.
Don't really know what to say, but found out that my husband had been seeing prostitutes last year.
Still dealing with the fallout of that revelation!!
Will be thinking of you.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 24-Nov-14 14:33:10

'Similar' has happened to many of us at this time of life.
Mine was my ExH of 15 years having an affair.
I couldn't forgive him and he left.
I had to rebuild my life at the age of 41.
You have family and friends around you. Utilise them. As much as you can.
It would have been so much harder had I not had the RL support.

You took him back and tried but he let you down again.
It's going to be hard, but you will get through this.

I found this phrase the other day and it's very apt for you right now:-

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami

I now have a lovely partner and things are moving on.
5 years later, I'm finally divorcing him.
It takes time. Cry when you need to. Get support around you. Take each day at a time.

Windywinston Mon 24-Nov-14 15:55:03

Oh you poor thing. To have been so badly let down is bad enough, but for you to try to forgive and be let down again, it's no wonder you're emotionally burned out right now.

I have no experience but wanted to give you some support. The fact that you've attacked him physically is a massive confirmation that you cannot stay in a relationship that has got to that point. Physical violence is never ok, but if I were in your shoes I can't guarantee I wouldn't at least be sorely tempted. This relationship needs to be over and you need to find a way to move forward. None of what he did is your fault, he's a shit, some people are, but they can be very good at hiding it.

Be kind to yourself and keep seeing the crisis team, take whatever counselling you can get and focus on finding your happiness, without him.

PaisleySheets Mon 24-Nov-14 20:51:37

I know a man who did this to his wife, he's the now fiance of a friend of mine and he confessed to doing this sort of thing to his first wife (she never found out). He seems like a particularly "normal" and devoted sort of a man. You'd never believe it of him.

I can't understand how some people are capable of this, but I think some people can just compartmentalise their behavior.

I went through an awful time with my H, who I am soon going to divorce. He didn't do anything like this but he abandoned me with no warning and no signs our marriage was in trouble and treated me like dirt out of nowhere. I thought at the time I would die from the pain. I couldn't understand how he could be so evil to me for no reason.

Life is so odd sometimes, but I think in the long run it's better to "know" and now be left in the dark like the woman I mentioned above who will go to her deathbed never knowing her seemingly kind and loving husband was shagging hookers behind her back.

I love that quote the pp posted on coming through the storm, and I found in my own life that has proved true.

My advice to you is that after betrayal on this level, it's hard to "come back", and I know you feel like your life was perfect before (I did too) but it wasnt because you were married to someone you didnt fully know.

I asked myself "would I still have married him if I had known what he was capable of?" and the answer was "no". I'd not have even gone out for dinner with him on that first date.

It's so sad and so painful when people who are supposed to love you let you down so spectacularly, but once the shock wears off, maybe ask yourself what kind of love you deserve, what kind of love you want and maybe what you would want for your daughter if you have one.

Then tell him he's been weighed, measured and found to be lacking.

It's so hard to remember when someone treats you like shit that you didn't deserve it -but no one deserves what you've been through. this isn't marriage.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 24-Nov-14 21:41:10

I was thinking about stuff like this and I think one of the reasons it's so upsetting, is you actually feel like you are going mad.

All the lies and betrayals and having to rewrite what you thought was your own history and now rewrite your future as you believed it to be.

It's grieving for the life you thought you had and the future you have lost. And it actually makes you feel like you are going insane as your brain struggles to compute it all.

Let yourself grieve and know that you will through this. He will always be a low-life scum bag. You will go on to have a wonderful life and he will always be one of lives losers.

Good luck xxx

Lacoba66 Mon 24-Nov-14 22:35:51

+1 to Pamdoove's post!

I don't think you would ever be able to believe what he says, as he has betrayed you at twice now.

Keep going with the crisis team & any other help you can access. Lastly, please remember that the fact that you were willing to give him a second chance, shows that you have a big heart and he has abused that for his own gains. X

Lacoba66 Mon 24-Nov-14 22:36:36

At least twice...

yogagirl22 Mon 24-Nov-14 22:53:24

Wow - thank you so much for your wise words and support. Thank you to everyone and FrancisdeSales to getting this post moved. Thanks! x

It is an awful situation and everything you all say is on the money!

I flogged my engagement, wedding and 'eternity' ring today out with my Mum at a pawnbroker place and got £100 for the lot - felt great! A cheap symbol of a cheap marriage out of my life life the cheap man I married.
I found out today that I may get other support such as tax credits, money off my council tax etc. If I had known I had all the support from friends , family, here, financial and emotional mental health support I would have perhaps got shot well before!
A lesson learned! I feel good actually - I know I will have good and bad days, but I actually feel quite positive, do not miss him - I think I was already getting over him, while I was with him!
Moving on, I feel like a absolute meltdown has been very cathartic, clearly I had been storing up this pent up resentment for nine months, and it needed to come out!
Thanks again this has helped me so much, none of you will ever realise! xxx

yogagirl22 Mon 24-Nov-14 22:56:30

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami

Hellsbellsmelons - that is inspirational, I going to read it when I having a shaky day! Thanks xx

Lacoba66 Mon 24-Nov-14 23:10:42

Bless you Yogagirl!

And you seem to have been very pro-active. You also sound as though you have much support around you.

We all have our meltdowns ( I've had mine- lol) but you have a life ahead of you that you can choose as to what happens!

I wish you well smile flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Nov-14 07:20:47

I'm glad that you're starting to piece things back together and that you're lucky to have what sounds like a great Mum helping you. It's extremely upsetting to be lied to and even worse when you compromise your values and give someone a second chance who isn't worth it. It's clear that your ex was deeply manipulative and emotionally abusive - suicide threats, blatant lies, and driving you to the point of a mental breakdown. So sorry you've had that experience. You mention that you're being cared for by a mental health team. Hope that includes counselling to help you understand the dynamic of emotionally abusive relationships.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Tue 25-Nov-14 07:59:48

You are doing amazingly well! You sound very strong and I'm so glad you have real life support as well as online.

Keep talking to us. We are rooting for you!! Xx

hellsbellsmelons Tue 25-Nov-14 09:25:19

What a positive update.
You will indeed have down days.
But you have what you need around you and you will get there.
Good luck for the future.
It will get better and brighter as times moves on.

Jan45 Tue 25-Nov-14 15:47:31

So proud of you!

yogagirl22 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:57:20

Getting better, using wikivorce for a quick divorce now and to keep house...Feel better.... Hope you all doing well?

You have all been great, as has my RL support, finally a bit of good luck coming my way! Xx

AnyFucker Wed 26-Nov-14 18:49:37

Bloody hell, you are one impressive woman thanks

yogagirl22 Wed 26-Nov-14 21:06:50

Thanks guys.... he feels so awful he going to sign everything over to me just to walk away... Still heartbroken but that will ease. Today I actually smiled and that is something I have really missed doing x

Windywinston Wed 26-Nov-14 21:29:55

You're amazing, well done!

TinyWishes Wed 26-Nov-14 22:03:57

Go girl winethanks

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