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I want Exdp th have shared residency of dc...he doesn't. How to go forward?

(45 Posts)
Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 22:09:10

Exdp & i split up 3 weeks ago. We have 4 dc. 13, 9, 6 & 9 month old baby.

I want Exdp to share custody, ideally 50/50. He doesn't want to.

He wants to have the dc every Sunday. 11-6pm.

We can't find a way forward. I'm furious thst he has so little interest in the dc. I don't see why he should get away so lightly. I will end up dealing with everything to do with the dc.

Currently our 6 year old is under going assessments for an EHC plan but Exdp refuses to attend the meetings as it's 'not in his time'.

How did other separated parents resolve custody issues?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:16:06

The main person who will suffer from having a poor relationship with his DCs is him. You may have to shoulder all the work and the responsibility but you will also get all the credit, all the laughs and all the affection. I wouldn't send a child to be with someone who was half hearted and I wouldn't waste legal fees forcing the point. Just make sure you get full and fair financial compensation.

Starlightbright1 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:18:48

Can I ask how he was with the children before you separated. I am afraid the problem is you can't make someone interested in your children.

My Ex doesn't see his DS as despite contact been 2 hours once a fortnight it was too much effort and I can tell you it hurts and left me very angry with him.

but conversely I want my DS somewhere he is wanted.

Would he agree to anything inbetween.. Does he not want the kids to interfere with his social life. why 11am is he planning to have a lie in after his saturday night out. I can guarantee your Sunday starts long before 11am...

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 22:20:28

No decent maintenance as he's 'self employed'

I will be so limited work wise. Will be stuck working around school hours etc.

I appreciate what your saying but actually I would quite like a life too!

I don't believe it always has to be the mother that's the main carer. I want to be the main carer about as much as Exdp.

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 22:21:49

He was good with the dc if i wasn't here but when i was at home he'd leave everything to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:25:38

Do your kids know that neither of you really want them?

MooseBeTimeForSnow Sat 22-Nov-14 22:26:57

You can't make an application to the court to force someone to have shared residence or more contact if that person doesn't want it

Iggly Sat 22-Nov-14 22:27:22

You could get childcare?
I feel sorry for your children tbh. Think about their best interests especially the baby? Why would shared care benefit them?

TonightTonight Sat 22-Nov-14 22:32:04

I don't envy you OP. It must be incredibly hard work looking after four little children on your own with almost no financial support from their father. And you only split up three weeks ago! Have flowers and wine and a hug x

Starlightbright1 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:32:29

It doesn't have to be the mother who is the main carer but the 4 children all do need someone to care for them.

If your ex won't then it is down to you if you won't then they are in care. I hate to sounds harsh but that is the reality.

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 22:34:42

Of course they don't!

It would be fair if it was 50/50. We both could work. Dc would see us both. We both would have free time. We both could have some free time.

The boys have SNs & are very difficult. I've never found childcare that has worked so been doing school hours for the last 5 years.

I never go out. I have no social life. I can't do anything due to the dc sns. 50/50 residency would mean I get a life.

BitterHoneyGreenNight Sat 22-Nov-14 22:38:15

Look. You cannot force your ex to have contact with your children. Neither will any court ever do so.

So -unless you wish your children to be in care- it falls to you. No it isn't 'fair' and your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. But you will need to get used to it. Do you have any family support?

alicemalice Sat 22-Nov-14 22:41:51

I went through this, it's incredibly disappointing and hurtful. But after taking lots of advice, it seemed there was nothing I could do to make him.

My ex even said he would leave our DD on the doorstep if I insisted he had her. Eventually decided it wasn't worth arguing with him and it's his loss.

I do wonder though if you go to court, if a judge would make a court order. I don't really know.

BitterHoneyGreenNight Sat 22-Nov-14 22:42:46

And I do sympathise. I am a lone parent and ex only ever sees the DCs at weekends-in our case this is due to distance. Is it 'fair' he's never done a single school run? Not really. But this is my reality and I've long ago stopped being bitter about it.

Childcare as a single parent is a hassle but doable. Tax credits pay 70% of my childcare costs while I work.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:44:37

So how come he left and you didn't? That seems to have been your main mistake.... being slow off the mark going out of the door. hmm I'm being deliberately provocative to make the point. You've been left holding the baby because, unlike him, you take your responsibility seriously. Something to be proud of.

Starlightbright1 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:47:42

I can only imagine how hard it is.bitter honey is right.

You do sounds like someone who needs a break but it does seem like Ex is not going to be the one to do it. Do you have any family nearby that can give you a break?

Why do you think he doesn't want them? will he have room where he is moving to for 4 children?

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 22:47:57

No family support. Just circumstances as i actually live where I grew up. Everyone has left London but us. My mil died last year, she was fantastic. Just my dad who has dementia so no support either practical or emotional.

I employ carers & a childminder for the baby & boys. Do stuff at the weekends that are appropriate for the boys. My life is either at work or with the dc. That's it. Shared care just made sense...

alicemalice Sat 22-Nov-14 22:54:00

Seriously you should talk to the Child Maintenance Service, they will look into the self employed thing and look at dividend income etc. It's not so easy for people to get around it that way anymore, I hear.

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 22:57:10

He left as we haven't been getting on for months. He left as the house is mine.

He's currently renting a room from a friend til he finds something pernament. That's how it came up. I needed to have the discussion before he found a flat because of size & location. He says he can't cope with the dc. He says he can't afford to work less hours.

He's not a hands on dad but I'm sure he'd learn quickly enough, if he had to.

But he won't. I will deal with the dc because thats the way it is. He will do sod all. He will pay even less...

Onmyownwith4kids Sat 22-Nov-14 23:15:41

I really feel for you. I have 4 children as a single parent and mine are similar ages to yours. It's not easy. My ex wants the fun bits but not the day to day care.I get moments of resentment but it's his loss. What 'life' beats knowing you've done the best for your kids. I don't have a life beyond them at the moment but I will and so will you. I'm giving myself and them time to adjust and then will look into tax credits, au pair etc. I so understand how you feel. I get moments where I'd love to hand them over and have my own time. The reality is though I wouldn't trade the moments with my children for anything. Let him get on with his carefree life. What you have is so much more precious x

LittleBairn Sat 22-Nov-14 23:22:07

You said he was fine with the kids before if he was genuinely a loving committed father then hopefully once the excitement of single life has worn off he will see the light.
If he's motivated by money I would let him know the less nights the kids spend with him the more money you are entitled too from him.

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 23:22:16

With the greatest of respect, 2 of my 4 dc are have SNs. Think special school, incontinence, very delayed. Very unlikely b to live independently. I returned to work when the baby was 6 months.

It's not the same as having 4 NT dc by a long shot! Good luck. Hope things work out for you.

I will alwsys

Levismum Sat 22-Nov-14 23:25:24

blushExcuse typos on phone & feeding the baby!

Exdp is giving me £200: per month regardless. He has never had them over night & doesn't intend to. He's looking at 1 bedroom/studio flats.

Nothing I can do about it!!

Onmyownwith4kids Sat 22-Nov-14 23:25:48

So sorry I didn't realise how complex your children's needs were. Is there respite care you can be offered. You must be exhausted.

Onmyownwith4kids Sat 22-Nov-14 23:29:34

I feel angry on your behalf. I worked with children with complex needs before I had my own. Had nothing but admiration for the parents. I really hope you can get some help x

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