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Suspect ex is smoking cannabis, concerned about contact with son

(9 Posts)
wonderstuff99 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:45:45

Hi all,

I really need some advice about what to do on this issue.

I borrowed his car today (I'm still on the insurance so he lends it to me sometimes) and when I got in, I got what I thought was a strong smell of cannabis. When I picked my mum up, she opened the door and exclaimed loudly before mouthing to me that she had got a strong whiff of weed. I hadn't told her I had smelled it. My 5 year old also mentioned that there was a horrible smell.

Now I have actually sat and thought about events over the past week, things seems to be falling into place. When I used the car for some food shopping last week, I got a whiff. When he dropped our son off on Wednesday evening after being at his house, I kissed his head (sons's!) and got a funny scent which instinctively thought was cannabis. When I called him on Thursday to tell him something about our child, I remarked afterwards to my mum that he sounded stoned.

He has a history of smoking it. He never smoked it when we were together but we separated in 2012 and lived apart and he confessed to me he had started smoking it again during that period. He claimed he was never stoned when looking after our son during that time but I was unsure of whether to believe him then.

We split in June of this year after he tried to hit me (something he denies) and I chose to call the police to remove him from the house. He had been depressed up until that point and had resisted any help from me. Directly after this incident, I refused to let him see our son unsupervised as I wasn't sure I could trust him not to hurt him. But after he seemed to get his head together and he wasn't depressed anymore, the contact resumed.

I am very concerned that if he is smoking cannabis, he will become depressed again and I don't really feel comfortable with him having contact with our son. I have no problem with people smoking weed (their choice) as I am aware that to some people, it has no affect on their day to day skills. However, I do not believe this to be the case with him. I have witnessed his personality change dramatically after smoking cannabis and this, coupled with his depression, makes me very concerned.

His father died this time last year and I am aware it must be playing on his mind. I also know he has not had his contract renewed at work, so he is unemployed. I am worried that this things might have set off his habit as well.

We do not have a great relationship, we are courteous but that's as far as it goes. If I confront him about this, I know he would never in a million years admit it even if I was right. His family have cut me out of the picture, so I can't ask them for advice.

Currently he sees our son for 2-3 hrs on Weds and 3-4 on Sunday. Our son never asks to see him or speak to him and doesn't seem to enjoy going there but I have told him he needs to have a relationship as he's his daddy.

What can I do? Is there anyone I can go to for advice?I don't have hard evidence, but my gut tells me I'm right. The last thing I want is to have to go through this crap. All I want is to move on with our lives and for him to have a good relationship with our child. But I do not want him seeing our son if he is smoking weed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:03:04

Are you divorced or were you never married? Was the contact formally agreed or just something you have worked out between you? You'll have to talk to him about it, even if he denies it. Be clear that smoking cannabis when responsible for DS is not something you can tolerate and simply put it that, if you suspect it's carrying on, you'll have no choice but to stop contact.

wonderstuff99 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:10:01

We were never married. The contact was something worked out between us.

I text him earlier saying his car had a strong smell to it that a few people had remarked on and I have just bitten the bullet and asked him straight out on the phone if he is. He denied it. I asked if anyone in his house is, he said he didn't think so. I told him I had several reasons to think that he was and that this would now cause problems between us. His response was "Is this what you called me for?"

God, the whole point in splitting up with him was that I don't have to deal with his s**t anymore. And I'm still dealing with it.

Do you know if I can actually stop contact on suspicions?

Mandatorymongoose Sat 22-Nov-14 22:17:57

Since you don't have a formal access agreement you could stop contact for whatever reason you liked.

But is that really the best thing for your DS? I totally understand not wanting to leave him with someone who is intoxicated but it would be a shame to stop him completely from seeing his father.

Can you discuss it with your ex and maybe come to some arrangement you feel happier with? If he took him out somewhere? or to a relatives house maybe?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:18:44

If the contact was never formally agreed then you can stop it any time you like and for any reason. How old is your DS?

wonderstuff99 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:20:28

I don't want to stop contact either, I would rather there was any other option. Unfortunately he's from Ireland so has no family here. My family live 20 miles away so that's not an option.

I could ask him to see him at my house but I know he would just say no, as he has before. I know his reaction will be, it's my house or nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:28:58

So give him the choice.... stop smoking it when in charge of the child or settle for supervised access. If he's not bothered enough about DS to hold off, better you find out now rather than when the kid is injured, needs medical attention and Dad's too stoned to call an ambulance

wonderstuff99 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:34:33

Thanks for everyone's advice guys, I really do appreciate it.

DS is 5.

If he's denying it anyway, how am I going to know if he's stopped?

He was always very careful not to smoke normal cigarettes around DS so I'd be surprised if he was smoking them in front of him. But, he would usually step outside to smoke cigs so I'd say that's what he's doing now.

From what I can tell, it's the lingering smell that's the biggest give away. As I never see him long enough to look at him properly, he won't come into my house or anything - he's done quite well at pretending I don't exist. I won't be borrowing his car for much longer as I'm getting my own, so how would I be able to tell? When DS's hair doesn't smell funny anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 22:49:24

You'll have to make a judgement call that he's stopped and then stay alert for the smell of the stuff the way you're doing now. Suggest you start putting all this in writing (email) now, even if you get no responses. One day you may be forced to petition for sole custody or Social Services will investigate and you will need evidence that you did your best to keep DS out of harm's way

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