Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can he really stop and not do it again?

(24 Posts)
kampa Sat 22-Nov-14 21:39:16

So last week I caught my DH online sexting with other women. The stuff I found out about went back about 2 months (of course he says that's all there is), but who knows how long he's really been doing it for. At least it was clear from what I read that he never met up with anyone and it all stayed online.

Well I've decided that I want to forgive him and move on from this. Obviously he says he is so sorry, so regretful, he loves me so much and he's going to stop and never do it again.

The thing is, I believe that right now he is going to stop and that he means it when he says he doesn't want to do it again. BUT ... what he will feel like in the months and years to come after his guilt has worn off? I mean, it must have been so exciting for him. Hard to believe that he'll never give in to temptation again now that he's crossed that line once.

What do you think? Can someone who does this kind of thing really change (do you know anyone who definitely has)? Is it possible he will really not do it again? Or is a liar and a cheat always a liar and cheat?

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:41:37

I think that you say this to him, and ask him, "what will you do to earn my trust when the novelty wears off and we're months, years down the line?".

Owllady Sat 22-Nov-14 21:42:15

I'd wonder why he was doing it in the first place tbh
And what was he trying to achieve
What made it something he wanted to do and why
And well wtf he was playing at

But I've never encountered this in all honesty

But it's nothing to do with you and I hope you are okay

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 21:46:03

Leaving aside whether he's going to do this again, what should bother you more is whether you've been too quick to forgive. It's amazingly easy, in the heat of the moment and when the alternatives look bleak, to say you'll forgive, move on, 'work through it' and other clichés. But already the mistrust is there, you're wondering if he's going to keep his promises and this is how it's going to be. Suspicion, mistrust, self doubt, ..... It ain't pretty.

lemisscared Sat 22-Nov-14 21:51:51

I had an online "affair" my dp found out sad he was really hurt. I didn't stop because he told me he was happy for me to continue talking to this person.

My excuse? I don't have one. It massaged my ego (i have self esteem issues) the other person (much older) was a great support to me during a difficult time. It carried on for years blush

I was addicted though and would talk to all manner of not very nice men.

So in all honesty I'd be surprised if he does stop completely.

I did stop eventually when i saw it for the sordid shallow nothingness it was. Its like interactive porn i guess.

I don't know why i did it. I loved and still love my dp very much.

Owllady Sat 22-Nov-14 21:51:53

I agree with the above tbh, even having no experience
He's been an utter tosser. How old is he?
It's just ridiculous grown ups behave like this

Owllady Sat 22-Nov-14 21:53:13

I meant I agreed with cognito. But at least the above post answered my question and the answer was low self esteem, in some cases

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 21:57:21

Well I discovered the beginnings of a huge porn/camming/chatroom problem 5 years ago and its still there! The latest is phone sex lines. He says he has an addiction. I have waited and hoped and tried to forgive and move on but he has lied so many times now my self esteem is in tatters and I am depressed and anxious. I hope your marriage doesn't go the same way. Like cog said, do not be too quick to forgive. I regret deeply that I did not chuck him out the first time. We may have got back together but he would have known I was not going to tolerate it. Don't be a doormat like me. Lots of luck, its an awful thing to get your head around.

Cabrinha Sat 22-Nov-14 22:41:38

I'll just tell you about my XH, sample of one.
I left him because he kept buying prostitutes. He lied about it, and only finally admitted it when I chucked him. That day he was still trying the "I only looked" crap.

It ended his marriage.

He got a new girlfriend. Within 6 weeks he'd booked a prostitute again (don't ask how I know, but it is certain) and he has regularly done so.

Selfish people do not easily change.

Mom2K Sun 23-Nov-14 03:09:56

"Can someone who does this kind of thing really change"

No. I don't think so. Been there, done that, and wish I hadn't given him a chance after the first time I left him.

ChippingInAutumnLover Sun 23-Nov-14 03:35:19

He can possibly make himself not do it, but I doubt he can stop wanting to do it.

Would you be ok with him really really wanting to do it and only not doing it because he said he wouldn't?

I wouldn't be. I'm sure we're all guilty of the odd fantasy, but that's not the same as really really wanting to do something IRL and only stopping yourself because you promised not to.

kampa Mon 24-Nov-14 10:34:16

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Owllady, I have no idea why he did this either. He is a grown man (38), we get along very well and have a good, active sex life. He actually told me he was just 'bored' and curious and that's why he started doing it.

Cognito and Monty - yes I do agree that I've been quick to forgive and I'm rethinking that now. I guess I decided soon after that I didn't want a divorce and I wanted to give him a second chance, so I thought it was best to just forgive and try to move on quickly. I want to start trying to enjoy our time together again and not be angry, because that's only going to make me feel more down.

But the thing is, I still feel down anyway. Maybe I would feel better if I just asked him to leave and had time to think about things when he's not around?

rockup Mon 24-Nov-14 10:42:21

Its not an aexcuse but it is possibly quite true that he just got a little bored and acted thoutlesslly without considering how it would affect you.

He certinaly needs to understand how if has affected you and it asking him to ove out would give you the time you need, then that will certainly put mis mistake into focus in his mind.

Jan45 Mon 24-Nov-14 10:49:36

The intention was to deceive you and possibly meet up with someone, he isn't going to tell you the truth, he will minimise and make out it's not been going on long, there's every chance it's been going on for years, you have no way of knowing.

I'm afraid I might have considered giving it another go with him but he'd have been out the door as soon as I found out and I'd have used the time to have space and really think about whether I wanted to be with someone that could hurt me so easily.

Problem is, most women believe the crap they are told, want a quiet life and sweep it under the carpet and hope it goes away. Trust has to be built and it all has to come from him I'm afraid, if he can't do that then you know he really just isn't that bothered about you and him.

makeitabetterplace Mon 24-Nov-14 11:01:54

I was with someone for a long time when I found out he was visiting online chat rooms. He was heartbroken that I'd found out and I was heartbroken that he'd done it. I honestly believed that this guy was one of the amazing ones and I dearly loved him. He swore he wouldn't do it again and that he'd just been feeling a bit lonely. Anyway I spent the next six months or so resenting him and worrying that it would happen again, which it did. We split up and I'm so glad we did. I know now that I could not have lived with that insecurity for the rest of my days. If you possibly can, I'd suggest moving on And ending this relationship. I so sorry x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Nov-14 12:46:54

"But the thing is, I still feel down anyway"

That's the problem with untrustworthy behaviour. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions and insecurity & suspicion become the order of the day. So no matter how determined you might be to put it all behind you - and that's often the knee-jerk response when the alternative is separation or divorce - the niggling doubts remain.

The people who manage to stay together after something like this will tell you that it takes a long, long time to restore trust, there has to be full & voluntary openness (rather than one party checking up on the other) and that if often requires extended counselling. Even the most successful ones will tell you that things are never quite the same again.

Louboutin37 Mon 24-Nov-14 12:53:49

My ex didnt change after I caught him and 3 years after we got married I left him. At first I did the "pick me dance" but realised after the initial shock had set in how horribly hurt I was by his actions. He could see how hurt I was as well, it took months for me to put myself back together.

Eventually when he realised he was still carrying on I just didnt like him very much at all as a person knowing he could lie to my face and tell me he loved me.

Sadly it will take a long time for all of this to sink in so dont put any pressure on yourself to make big decisions now, sit and see how it feels in 6 months or a year's time and I would hope you feel a lot stronger

davejudgement Mon 24-Nov-14 13:47:54

people don't generally change. You know you don't have to put up with his crap attitude to fidelity, you can chuck him out.

You probably feel shit because you are doing something you shouldn't really have to/don't want to have to do; forgiving him.

Stick yourself on a pedestal and think about why you would wish to look after a man like this; there are plenty of Husbands who don't indulge themselves this way because they are 'bored'. Prise Cunt in my opinion

kampa Mon 24-Nov-14 14:12:06

Jan45 - -"I'd have used the time to have space and really think about whether I wanted to be with someone that could hurt me so easily."

Well yeah. Why am I worrying so much about how I can make my marriage work and trust him again when I should be thinking about whether I really should stay with him at all?

One of the problems is that it's made me feel horribly insecure about myself, which makes it hard to leave. Basically, I think I've been feeling really needy of his affection right now. Stupid, isn't it?

Jan45 Mon 24-Nov-14 14:14:13

Not stupid at all, losing in trust in someone is awful and it does make you feel insecure and inferior.

And yes I think this should be about you and what you want.

catmadmum Mon 24-Nov-14 14:29:26

Having just found this thread I am in the same position. For me it's probably at least the 3rd time my DH has been caught doing this sort of thing. A week ago today, having had an uneasy feeling that something was amiss for a few weeks, I checked his email account -a dormant one he never uses. I was horrified to find he'd subscribed to and another similar site but worse was he'd been responding to ads and had posted his own ad on craiglist. I left work in a hurry before I fainted and got home and checked some more. I emailed the evidence to myself and changed the password on his email account. He'd emailed naked pics of himself to someone from our bedroom using my wardrobe mirror. I rang him and told him it was over and he spent a couple of nights in a hotel. By Wednesday the kids kept asking where he was and I told him to come over after work. He's now on the sofa but I've told him I can't forgive him this time and will never trust him again. We have a 5 and 7 yr old and have been married 13 years. Apparently we didn't feature in his thought process in all of this. Later in the week I thought to log onto his craigslist account and there were 12 posts by him over the last 3 weeks! I then checked his travelcard as I'd registered it using my email address and lo and behold on the one night I was out of town over half term at my parents he'd travelled to the other side of London while supposedly he was at home watching tv. It's just lie after lie and it's only because he's so stupid and didn't think to cover his tracks that I know all this. When I'd asked him how many times he'd posted on craigslist he'd said 3 - then I found the 12 posts. They were vile too. Some even mentioned me as his wife and how bored he was with me.

So now he wants to try counselling for his addiction. He says he'll go to the docs. But even after I'd chucked him out last Monday I could see from his phone records that he texted someone at 1.30am around 8 times. When i asked who it was he said he was drunk and has deleted the messages and can't recall.

My point really is just be really careful. I found my DH looking up casual sex pages on gumtree when we first got a computer and he wasn't computer savvy. Then 5 1/2 yrs ago when I was pregnant with DD I found he was posting on casual sex websites...we had counselling and thought we'd put it behind us. Until last week. I realise our sex life has been rubbish for a while but there are a few very good reasons for this which he knows full well. Enough is enough now. I am heartbroken. I told the kids yesterday and my sensitive 7 yr old DS looked so heartbroken. I hate my DH for doing this to me. I'm having the house valued this week and plan to just sell up and get something for me and the kids. I'm hoping to keep all of the equity (quite a bit). Not sure if I can though although DH says I can.

I'm in a stronger position that I was last time and I'm fed up. I can't spend my life checking phone, computer records - I'd rather remain alone. This does seem to be a common problem though - what the hell is wrong with the men out there??

AnyFucker Mon 24-Nov-14 19:27:15

catmad you husband will never stop, sorry

I think anyone could see that. Counselling or no counselling. He does it because he wants to.

I think you are doing the right thing in bringing this sorry excuse for a relationship to a final close.

Mom2K Mon 24-Nov-14 19:35:06

What Any said ^^

Baaaaaaaaaaaa Tue 25-Nov-14 00:35:04

The problem, in this day and age, is everyone has instant access to on-line dating, porn, etc. it's far, far, far too easy.

It's not an excuse, just telling it like it is.

Get rid of mobile phones, tablets, laptops, computers etc and the world (relationship wise) will be a better place.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now