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stay or go? porn related

(48 Posts)
montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 20:39:16

My dh has had a long running porn problem. Emotional affair via a chat room, lots of web camming, he joined adult friendfinder, and now last month I found out he has been on porn phone lines (live Jasmin?) He is very nervy with real life sex, has had ED for years. When I have discovered things he always apologises, lots of tears and i'll never do it again.....etc

I so don't want to ruin our children's lives (2 dc) but my feelings have changed and now things are very strained, we are sleeping in different rooms and our sex life has died. I just feel so terrified of splitting, what do I tell the kids? His parents? I found out he called sex line whilst looking after our youngest child and I am disgusted with him. He said she was downstairs it was only 10 minutes but I can't look at him right now.

He is seeking help for what he calls his "addiction" and starts some intensive therapy in the new year, so I feel I need to wait for him to do that. What worries me is that he really is a good guy with a problem and I am going to loose everything just as he finally sorts himself out. Can this ever be turned around once the trust has gone?

HeyMacWey Sat 22-Nov-14 20:45:38

I honestly don't know. Not without a lot of hard work on both sides - his to recover and prove that he's changed and yours to be able to forgive and feel valued and loved.
Who is he having his therapy with in the new year? Is he going to try and make changes before then?

Only1scoop Sat 22-Nov-14 20:46:38

So sorry Op

I also caught an ex p on one of those sites you mention....reading the profile I remember to this day.

What sickened me was the lengths he had gone to to hide it all. I couldn't trust him again. We tried for a while.

I know one of the sites you mentioned is a contact type site.... was there evidence he had been meeting anyone or was it all over the net type chat?

Was it on being discovered he has sought help for his possible 'addiction' or was this beforehand....

It comes down to trust.... so, so hard to regain....

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 20:49:47

I'm not sure that this is a porn problem as much as a lying, cheating problem.

You could ask him to move out whilst he sorts himself out.

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 20:50:22

Thanks for the reply Hey
He says he is disgusted with himself, and I believe him. The problem is I am disgusted with him also. sad
I don't trust him at all. I feel so depressed and anxious living in this limbo waiting for him to change. And now maybe he is facing up to his problem finally and my feelings are gone. Gutted.

Only1scoop Sat 22-Nov-14 20:52:44

Monty ....you could ask him to move out for a while maybe to give you space?

The anxiety is so tiring to deal with especially on top of caring for dc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 20:53:33

If you are pinning your hopes on him turning around what sounds like a very ingrained habit, you have to tell him to leave. At the moment he has zero incentive to behave any differently to normal. He may say he will change but why should he when he had a nice comfortable home complete with wife and kids? A wife who repeatedly forgives, swallow false promises and does nothing very much is not someone to be taken seriously. The chilly reality of solo life might be what he needs.

Sorry he's ruined everything but you're going to have to be strong here

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 20:53:37

Thanks only,
He says never any real life contact and I do believe him. He does it online so its not real iyswim. Yes vivacia its the lying that is the biggest problem.

DollStar Sat 22-Nov-14 20:54:37

If he knows you dont like it and have threatened him with all sorts, and he still doesn't try to hide it (it's not that difficult) - then he doesnt really care as he would have hidden it.

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 20:56:04

I don't want him to move out until he has had the therapy. Not for me, for the kids. He needs to sort his boundaries out. Its expensive and I know that if he has to move out he won't do the therapy. I guess I just need to get that done and see how I feel from there.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 22-Nov-14 20:58:29

If he won't do the therapy if he moved out, then he's not really interested in 'fixing' himself and is just going thru the motions to appear to be making an effort.

You're wasting your time with this one.

Only1scoop Sat 22-Nov-14 21:00:34

'If he has to move out he won't do the therapy'

Why not?

Surely he would have even more reason to sort this out.

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 21:03:08

I think he will say he can't afford it. I don't want to make the wrong decision now, for me and for the children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 21:05:03

If he'd only undergo therapy for appearances sake then he's really just paying lipservice. Same as saying he's disgusted in himself - which is clearly untrue - he'd be doing 'the right thing' until the dust settles and he can revert to normal. He knows your fears about upsetting the kids and so forth and he's exploiting that knowledge .

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:08:16

I guess I just need to get that done

Do you see therapy as a three-session fix or something?

Only1scoop Sat 22-Nov-14 21:09:54

Has he sought the help already or is he waiting until after new year.

I really think you need some space....

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 21:12:27

so what do I do cog? Thanks for replying, I have lurked for ages and feel your advice is always spot on.
It is so hard, as he isn't having an affair in real life, he is using porn as a crutch for low mood and says he learned how to have sex "wrong" (ie with himself and online) due to anxiety when he was young. And now we are not having sex he is probably genuinely frustrated! But the whole thing has turned me right off! I don't trust him, I don't respect him especially after discovering the live jasmine when he was looking after our 3year old sad but wish I could undo my negative feelings and undo time. Or maybe I should just accept that our relationship has been too damaged by his behaviour and call it a day.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:22:25

It is so hard, as he isn't having an affair in real life

I don't understand why paying for it suddenly means it's not cheating.

And now we are not having sex he is probably genuinely frustrated!

Sorry, but that's a load of nonsense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 21:23:29

What you do is start putting yourself first. You're writing a lot about him and his moods and his rationale and his excuses. Also the kids.... what you tell them etc. You actually berate yourself for having no trust in this faithless man (and swapping a healthy physical relationship with a loving partner for some digital wants is infidelity) when that's a completely normal reaction.

So put yourself first, gather up what is left of your self respect, a have the serious conversation in which he steps out of the family to work on the behaviour that he claims to disgust him so much.... and let him come up with a good explanation for the children. You can say it's a temporary arrangement if you like. You can give him the chance to show he's a reformed character. But start thinking about the kind of life you want rather than constantly compromising your standards

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 21:29:10

thank you cog You are absolutely right and I need to hear that. I have been in limbo for so long I am suffering with really low self esteem and am feeling like a rabbit in the headlights. I need to remind myself that his behavior is wrong and I am entitled to feel utterly enraged and completely let down by it, whether or not he is a genuine addict or not, that is something I can not change.
Thank you

Fairenuff Sat 22-Nov-14 22:09:11

I don't think he has a hope of changing because he doesn't really want to. He is just saying what he thinks you want to hear. I agree that he needs to take actual action to prove his intentions.

26Point2Miles Sat 22-Nov-14 22:21:47

How do you know he's not still engaging in this on His phone/second phone/laptop etc, either in secret or by covering his tracks better?

montythepenguin Sat 22-Nov-14 22:25:10

26 I don't that's the problem, it can be hidden so easily. I only found out about the phone stuff when I found his statements and saw the BT bill was £90 that month. The previous month he had hidden it.

Only1scoop Sat 22-Nov-14 22:27:15

He's just 'getting help' as he's been discovered....

Sometimes it just gets pushed further under stones....

Tonymontana Sat 22-Nov-14 23:27:45

When trust is gone, it's gone. I would rebuild your self esteem and find a man that cherishes you. Someone who gives you their attention. He prefers the grubby porn obviously. That will lead you down the path of loneliness, bitterness and your self esteem will be on the floor. You deserve a man that only has eyes for you.

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