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DH depressed and I'm fed up with the situation

(9 Posts)
Fedup136 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:04:22

DH been diagnosed with depression long time ago and taking medication for it. He was doing very well but as we decided to go for a second DC, he stopped taking the medication a few months ago (he feels that it affected his libido).

Since the past few weeks, he has been going to bed earlier, avoiding contact with me and our DC and blaming me for a lot of things. Got told this morning that I am horrible because I moved one of his jackets to my wardrobe so he would have more space (was scared to tell him that he had to get rid of some stuff because I knew he would be upset about that). I wanted to do something nice for him and he says it is not nice and that I shouldn't bother picking him up from work tomorrow (he works abroad and I always pick him up at the airport).

He was like this for a year shortly after we got together, and it improved after we had our first DC but I dont know if it is worth it for a second DC. It is affecting the way I feel about him and it is like he has turned into a different, more unpleasant person. I am worried that I will have 2 DCs but no DH because the relationship will be so damaged by the depression.

I dont feel comfortable talking about it to him because he'll just get angry again and more withdrawn into his own world. He used to have suicidal thoughts, he says he doesn't have them anymore, but I worry that if I tell him how I feel, it will make him feel worse, which means I will have to help him get better again. So I feel that telling him, will only make it worse.

Gruntbaby Sat 22-Nov-14 20:11:45

Has he just stopped taking the meds, without medical supervision? He really should be decreasing the dosage slowly with many AD. Sounds like he maybe needs to see a doctor - perhaps he could change to meds which don't affect his libido.

Sorry, it sounds tough for both of you and I'm not sure what to suggest except that I find talking about things usually helps both sides feel better and closer, even with depression.

balia Sat 22-Nov-14 20:13:08

My DH has depression and we've had some really hard times and I totally get what you mean by the dread and exhaustion the idea of having to help him get better makes you feel. However, you really need to get him to go to the GP. You're not supposed to just stop AD's without medical advice; my DH decided to do this and spiralled downwards alarmingly, lower than I have ever seen him. He was not rational and it was quite scary (I thought we would split for a while, in fact he left the house). I think you have to risk him getting angry. Is there maybe a family member/friend who could talk to him?

momwhereismy Sat 22-Nov-14 20:18:52

I am interested in replies so just marking place. No advice to give but think I am heading into same situation mysrlf

Fedup136 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:22:43

Thanks for the advice.

I told him to see a doctor about decreasing it, but he was so happy that I finally agreed to have a second child that he went a bit mad on all the things he could do to increase his drive.
He lowered it gradually over a few weeks but I still think it was too fast.

I'll try to bring it up tomorrow evening and see how we go from there. I am not worried that he will physically hurt me, but when he gets really upset, he sometimes hurts himself (not severely, but still enough to be upsetting) and seems to go into his own world where it is very difficult to get him out from.

Fedup136 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:25:08

sorry to hear that momwhereismy

It is so frustrating and difficult not to take this personal. It's like walking on eggshells around the house and making sure our dogs and DC don't get in his way or do anything that won't upset him.

Im almost regretting saying yes to a second DC...

gamerchick Sat 22-Nov-14 20:34:28

stop the babymaking and tell him to go back to his GPs. One kid in the middle of this is bad enough without adding another one to the strain on you. Tell him when he's stabilised then you'll talk about another baby then.

PaisleySheets Sat 22-Nov-14 21:02:26

My H and I are separated because he got depression and all of a sudden hated me and wanted to get away from me. total personality change. it's awful. I'm sorry you are going through this but I did a heck of a lot of reading and talking to people about depression and there's a lot you can do.

There's a book called "Undoing Depression" that has 7 ways without medication you can seriously improve depression.

Also, I think unless you have an issue of some sort, medication is designed to be used relatively short term but is not as far as I know a "cure" for depression, so it might be that he needs a diferrent sort of help.

It's not the easiest in this country, but if you can try and find a counsellor who has good experience with CBT or even see a proper psychiatrist for a couple of sessions just to get this medication issue dealt with it might help too.

IT's really not easy at all talking to someone with depression sometimes and they can really hurt your feelings and make you feel awful and rejected but from what I understand they don't really feel that well -they are just in pain.

PaisleySheets Sat 22-Nov-14 21:04:30

And please don't have more children. Having children is very stressful and tiring and if your H has chronic depression it's just going to be too much for him and you might find yourself as a single Mum. I know that's a negative thing to say, but remembering my H, he could barely cope with himself much less anyone else. It'd be so hard on YOU and not the best start for a child. Depression is a much more serious illness than I think people realise.

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