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Advice PLEASE

(27 Posts)
fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 19:16:44

*I posted this in chat but a couple of posters recommended I also posted here**

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After the loss of my mother late last year I had to take a significant period of time off work and I returned 9 weeks ago to a new team and more importantly- a new manager who I get on quite well with (similar age, children similar age, similar interests etc). Can't say I feel the same way about the rest of the team but that is another matter.

I've been having a very tough time as of late as i'm living with an abusive partner. I've been coming into work quite upset which is causing some upset to other people at work. I've told my manager very small bits and bobs- and despite her telling me she is there if I need to talk, for a friendly hug or whatever I can't but help feel i'm infuriating her- if anyone else is around I feel like she ignores me and tries to get me out of the way. I can't tell if this is supportive or not. I'd hate to make her feel awkward/uncomfortable and in a way I feel I already have.

I've never really had much support past my mum and it's difficult for me to trust anyone due to my past. I can't ever say i've had a "true" friend bar one or two people and I can count on one hand the number of people i've felt have offered me love and support.

I'm really not coping though and feel like I need to a) unload b) explain why i've been so messed up lately.

What would you do? Tell her and risk making what could potentially be awkward politeness even worse or keep quiet?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 19:46:39

I think, if you talk to your manager, you have to present the problem but also say what you're doing about it. I know she says she's there to talk but it's work, not counselling, and it's important (I think) to show there's some kind of plan, because that way she can provide practical help like time off or whatever. . Otherwise the risk is that you're just 'a problem' with no end in sight.

jasper Sat 22-Nov-14 19:47:38

What would you like to happen?
How long did you takeoff work ?
I fully sympathise with the devastation of your mum dying

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 22-Nov-14 19:58:08

It's probably worth remembering that she's a manager not a friend and the support she's offered is exactly that... As a manager.

I think it's worth finding someone to 'unload' onto, but that should be a friend, family member or a counsellor.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 20:07:31

I think that you're looking for something from the wrong person here, and that's not fair on either of you. I'd take this as a sign that you really need someone to talk to, and look for a professional who can offer this support.

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:15:22

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the honest advice- I really do. I guess I need to quit my job as i'm just not coping and I guess she is just trying to be supportive in what she is saying.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 20:18:15

Do not rush in to quitting your job OP! You shouldn't make huge decisions after such a bereavement.

Did you take time off at the time? Would you see your doctor?

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:31:23

I should probably add more to the surrounding situation.

Mum died just after Xmas last year and I went back nine weeks ago. If i'm honest- I didn't like my job very much before hand (it wasn't the work it was the people) and was dreading going back- and then all of a sudden i've met someone I get on with and we spend a lot of time working alone together and she often invites me out for lunch etc. And she has been the one to describe me as a friend, iniates physical contact (hugs etc) and I do afterwards as I guess I believe she means it.

This place has been my first ever job which I started last September. I went to university- did my bachelors, then my masters, had a gap year, got pregnant, had my son and my Mum got ill and I spent time looking after her. She got much better so I got a job and then died very suddenly just after Xmas last year. I know I still don't know how to cope in a professional environment which I guess isn't helping with my confusion.

I went to my doctor, prescribed anti depressants and obviously signed off work and went to counselling. They didn't really help- all I could think in the back of my mind that even though they said they were there to help they were also tinted by the pay cheque I was giving them.

I met my partner about six months ago and he can be very emotionally abusive. I'm not really ready to go into detail about that on here yet but it can be quite bad and he can very controlling to the point i'm scared and spend as much time away from him as possible- which also means spending time away from my son which I feel terrible about. It's split 50/50 good and bad at the moment and it can be difficult to cope with because he is so pleasant in front of other people. Plus my son adores him.

I guess I just wish I had someone to care for me who actually cares. Sigh sad

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 22-Nov-14 20:40:57

You met your partner 6 months ago and avoiding him means spending time apart from your son? I don't understand?

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 20:42:00

I'm a bit confused OP why does avoiding your boyfriend of six months mean that you miss time with your son? Surely you see them at different times?

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 20:43:52

I guess I just wish I had someone to care for me who actually cares.

We all do, I think, and in the meantime a professional can care whilst being paid. I like the idea of paying, I feel it frees me from having to reciprocate the listening.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 20:46:32

People probably do care about you but you must care for yourself first and foremost. Bereavement is horrible by itself. Depression is horrible by itself. The abusive relationship will be making everything worse. Whilst you can't rush the bereavement process or make depression magically disappear, you could choose to reject your partner and eliminate that source of anxiety. Your son may adore him but that's really not a good reason to carry on being punished and intimidated.

Please don't give up your job. Adding financial problems is not going to make anything better

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:54:28

My boyfriend comes knocking most nights and especially if my son is awake and about (and he makes sure he comes before his bedtime so he "can see him" when really he does it as a way of control) so I have been spending a lot of time away from the house picking up extra shifts where I can to avoid having to see him and the barrage of abuse that potentially comes with it plus DS asking why he isn't coming round and getting upset when I say he can't. I sound like a horrible bitch mum but I just find it difficult to cope with.

Luckily financially i'm OK as my Mum brought me my flat when I got pregnant and what money she had when she died came to me because i'm an only child so I could give up work and look for a new job to see if a fresh start will work. It's very lonely as both my parents were only children so I have no extended family to speak of and only acquaintances, not friends.

I guess one of the reasons i'm with my boyfriend still is because when it's "good" it's company for me. Because let's face it- if he wasn't there that would be it and part of me would prefer the nastiness then the nothingness.

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:58:05

I just can't go to work without feeling crippled with loneliness when people avoid me. I get upset- I can't control it I really can't. Which is why i'm maybe thinking it would be best for me to move on to something new and just not even mention anything and see what happens.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:03:44

Where is your child when you are working these shifts?

I'll go out on a limb and say that if you weren't with this abuser you would have more company.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:05:37

I just can't go to work without feeling crippled with loneliness when people avoid me.

This sounds like depression to me. I think you should return to your doctor and consider re-engaging with counselling, if not medication. It's good that you have the finances to give you choices, but I'd be worried that without work you'd be even more isolated.

stubbornstains Sat 22-Nov-14 21:06:58

Wow. I think the first thing you need to cut out of your life is the partner. It seems that you already realise that he's bad news, but the longer the relationship continues, the deeper you'll get caught up in it, and the longer your son will know him - thus giving this man more leverage.

I think you have to prepare yourself to face loneliness for a while, and then start developing strategies to make friends and build a support network. Which, I know, can be difficult, as you're working, so can't do baby/ toddler groups, yet going out in the evening is tricky as you're a LP. What I would do (and did, as a LP) is to absolutely prioritise money for babysitters, so I could get out - even to just attend clubs or societies that have a social side.
It's also worth trying to meet other LPs who would want to meet up at the weekend, when many coupled-up mums seem to pull up the drawbridge....

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:13:40

Maybe it is depression I don't know. I just went into work one day, broke down and was asked what was wrong and it came spilling out. I thought I had actual support so it has just kept coming and coming and while in parts things were as they were 3 weeks ago it's just plain awkwardness/paranoia of awkwardness the rest of the time which sets me on edge. I don't know how to control that I really don't.

I know I need to cut my partner out I really do...it's just getting the guts to do it when i'm terrified of being alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 21:15:07

Please tell your boyfriend it's over. If he still 'comes knocking' you can then call the police. You may think that abuse is better than loneliness but the really isn't. All the time you're wasting on this person you are missing opportunities to meet other people. Friends will give someone like that a wide berth. In the future also leave it a bit longer before introducing your DS. Children don't understand adult relationships and can get attached to anyone.

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:15:29

Is it a bad idea for me to give up a job where people know kinda what's going on to move to a job where nobody does and i'll learn from my mistakes? I really don't know.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:20:06

I think it's a bad idea to invite more stress in to your life. I do think it'd be a good idea to separate your personal life from your professional.

Where is your child when you're working? I'm wondering if it's someone who could offer you some friendship?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 22-Nov-14 21:23:27

If you're miserable then wherever you go you will take that misery with you. My feeling is that the most important thing for you to do at the moment is to get this nasty man out of your life. Then things will feel one hundred times better.

fifi39 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:28:15

But how do I control myself. Seriously. I just break down.

Matildathecat Sat 22-Nov-14 21:30:50

Your job isn't your problem though. The upset is the bf so get rid of him. You can't move on with your life whilst he is in it.

I second returning to your GP for more support. The relationship between you and your manager is confused by the fact that you are also friends. Sure she likes you and you get on which is great. The fact that you are coming in regularly upset is difficult because at that point she is your manger. You have been off sick longer than you have been at work. If you are serious about getting your career started you need to focus on ways of improving your coping strategies and simplifying your home life.

And yes, your dc does not need this 'bedtime daddy' in his life. It's very confusing for him. Please, ditch the man and gradually the rest will improve.

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 21:38:42

Seriously. I just break down.

I think that this is more to do with illness than your job.

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