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I've ended my abusive relationship, why do I feel so distraught?

(20 Posts)
msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 18:24:11

For the past two years I have been in very controlling, ea (twice physical) and very aggressive relationship. He made my life very different to how it was before.

It all came to a head last night and I finally ended things. I feel so upset, physically sick and just distraught.

I need to stick to it as it won't change but I want to cave in. I've already text saying I love him (his phones off). why am I so weak?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 18:29:23

Abusive relationships centre around control and conditioning. You've been 'groomed' to behave and react in a particular way. It's a tough habit to get out of so you have to expect some slips. What you need most now is support. Do you have someone to talk to or be with who can reassure you that you're doing the right thing?

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 18:42:06

I don't have many friends left. He didn't like them, one by one and now there's really no one left. My son is with his dad tonight so I'm just sat on my own wishing it was different.

Littlefish Sat 22-Nov-14 18:45:32

Talk to us. We are here to listen.
Can you gradually re-ignite your friendships? Are you able to tell any of them what happened?

This happened to a good friend of mine. After 2 years I bumped into her again and went for coffee and started all over again. I had no idea what had been happening to her, I just knew that she had withdrawn from our friendship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 18:53:53

Do get in touch with some of your old friends. If he's the reason you don't see them, chances are they'll be relieved to hear from you, support your decision and want to help. I bet your DS will be glad to see the back of him.

Meanwhile, perhaps you could think of something fun to do tomorrow that will get you out of the house and away from the phone. What do you fancy doing?

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 18:54:54

It's definitely something I'm going to try. They all know what's been going on and don't like him. It's hard as his mother lives across the road and he'll now move back in with her.

It was the most stupid argument last night but I just snapped on the phone and that was that. I've just accepted a new job and since I started he's been vile. yet I still miss him. I feel crushed and I cried so much in front of my son today sad rubbish mum.

I need to exchange our stuff as well, his mum and I don't get on (she can't see what her precious boy is like). I know it's for the best but I'm really not coping tonight.

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 18:56:09

I'm working tomorrow but that's ok. I love my new job and I've given them all a heads up so there's support there.

RonaldMcFartNuggets Sat 22-Nov-14 18:56:46

Well done you. Your life begins today. Call/text your friends for support, I'm sure they'll be round in a shot and glad you ended it x

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 19:03:41

Thank you. I'm trying to stay strong and not text or leave a voice mail. He'll be out on a bender with his dad and have no battery but it's still hard to resist.

I let ds put the Christmas tree up today as a distraction. So its all pretty and festive in here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Nov-14 19:11:11

Am heartened that you ended it. The only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE.

Focus on you and your son now and make a better life for yourselves. Work on rebuilding your self esteem and self worth through counselling and also address your innate co-dependency issues now and properly (this is perhaps why you texted him telling him that you love him). Your "love" for him I daresay is really an unhealthy co-dependency.

I would also suggest you look at and enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme to this end because this is designed for women who have been in abusive relationships. Doing that will also help you with going forward.

Rebecca2014 Sat 22-Nov-14 19:15:55

Can I just say I am going through the same thing? my ex wasn't controlling but he was verbally abusive. Even though I hate him, I still feel addictive for his approval, but what I love and miss, is not what we were but what I always hoped we would be if he could just change.

Men like that never change. Think, do you really want be on here in twenty years time posting threads about this guy? think about how much time you would have wasted. This is for the best.

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 19:16:46

Thank you. I'll have a look into that. I think it may help and yes I agree that it's more a habit and dependency than love.

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 19:18:51

You're right Rebecca. No I don't It's just so raw and for the first time I stood up for myself. I hope you're ok, please message me if you need a chat

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 20:09:45

this is awful. I feel so low.

nicenewdusters Sat 22-Nov-14 20:36:59

Hang in there op. You've done the really hard bit, but also the best bit (as you've said) which is that you've stood up for yourself. Forget about the exchange of stuff for now. What does he have of yours that you really need ? Nothing I suspect. You've got back from him the only thing you need- your life.

You've got a new job you love, a son, somewhere to live, old friendships you can reignite - and Mumsnet ! The next few days and weeks will be really hard, but will they be any harder than the last 2 years ?

Don't contact him, and don't let him draw you back if he tries to. These types of men are very manipulative. I do know how hard it is.

You'll miss the good "bits" and the "what ifs" - but that's really just a fantasy. The reality is a man who has abused you emotionally and physically, isolated you from your friends and brought you to a point where you couldn't help but cry in front of your son.

Despite your comment I'm sure you're a great mum. By kicking this man out of your life you've done a wonderful thing for you both.

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 21:13:55

He has my phone charger though I've managed to bor my neighbours for tonight, clothes etc. I just can't get my head around how it got to this point. He was lovely when I met him, so lovely.

I'm completely broken. I don't know how to deal with this. I wish my son was here at least then I could cuddle up to him.

Tonymontana Sat 22-Nov-14 21:25:04

Abusive men are always lovely when you first meet them. It's all an illusion. It's how they hook you in.

nicenewdusters Sat 22-Nov-14 21:31:35

msgrinch - trust me, I'm 12 years out of an abusive relationship and I still don't totally know how it got to the point it did.

All I do know is that my ex dp was lovely when I met him too. But then if he'd told me at the start he was immature, selfish, controlling and quite frankly weird, he probably knew I wouldn't have gone out with him !

I'm fairly new to Mumsnet but am still surprised and saddened at how many of us have been through such similar experiences. You haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with you. You've behaved normally - met somebody, took them at face value, trusted them, loved them, assumed it would be reciprocated - why wouldn't you.

He is in the wrong, he's turned your life upside down. You say you don't know how to deal with this. You've done the most important thing, ended it. Now one foot in front of the other.

msgrinch Sat 22-Nov-14 21:50:51

I feel I did the right thing. I know I did. It feels like the calm before the storm really. He's going to be across the road, he knows where I work. I'm almost waiting for it to get nasty as I was the one that decided it was over

nicenewdusters Sat 22-Nov-14 23:24:00

If you're renting is it feasible to move in the near future? If you own your home then I know this probably isn't even up for discussion.

You've told your new workplace about your situation. Can you ask them to make sure he isn't put through if he phones, or allowed into the building if he tries to see you there.

Do you have a neighbour that you know and trust ? Just knowing that somebody nearby is alert to the fact that you don't want him in your home may make you feel a bit better.

Change your locks, close your curtains as soon as you put your lights on, block him on your phone etc.

You've taken back control, he won't be pleased about that. But once he sees that you're not interested and that he can't pull your strings anymore I suspect he'll back off. A bully hates to be ignored. But if they see that you're just not going to rise to anything they'll get bored and move on.

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