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He just can't be arsed to put any effort in!

(24 Posts)
Whateverwhenever Sat 22-Nov-14 13:27:46

Posted before about my BF erectile dysfunction sling with his total lack of any intimacy and I guess I have now come to the realization that he is just not willing to put any effort into that part of our relationship or any other part of it either!

My own children only go to there dads once a month so I'm possibly totally out of order saying this but that one day a month is for me, I don't have to worry about feeding children, tidying up after then, having to plan things around them, that one day and night is for me to do exactly as I please!

Well a few months ago because BF ex wife had to change her weekends around for her own step child she changed around the days/weekends my bf has son so now it always falls on the one and only one day I have free from my children! I spoke to BF about this and said it wasnt really fair I only get 12 days a year and now I won't even get them as I will have his son here for that day, so I asked if he would speak to his exw and compromise that every other month he swaps for the weekend before/after so we will still get 6 days year child free to something for ourselfs and he has point blank refused saying no that's how his ex wants it to be so he will leave it as it is!

So unexpectedly last night my children were going to a family thing meaning that last night would be our one and only few night we are ever going to get now so we agreed in the week we would have date night.... We have been having huge issues with sex/intimacy for a year now so I was really looking forward to this! So off kids go and he cracks into the beers, I mention date night and he basically says no tomorrow is date night I'm going to cook, I clearly upset at this point and mention that we have spoke all week about Friday being date night and we were going to go out for dinner have early night ect and he basically dismisses it goes out and buys himself more beers and wine and get hammered!

After really strong words. Few weeks ago about lack of sex/intimacy he really hasn't made any steps to change this!

Not really sure why I'm posting guess I'm just hurt and now realize that he actually just doesn't care enough to make any effort in out relationship

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 13:30:07

You realise you're wasting your time?

Greta28 Sat 22-Nov-14 13:33:36

Look. It doesn't take much effort for man to go down there and hence satisfy you. When my H is really not up for it, I pull him 'down there' for 5 mins and everyone's happy.
Your feelings don't concern your partner.
Really, it's not that hard to satisfy you. He just can't be bothered enough.

Joysmum Sat 22-Nov-14 13:37:46

I guess you need to be sure he's not interested in making an effort, or whether he wants to but is anxious/scared/out of his depth etc.

I'm sure people looking at me and my eating disorder could say the same, truth is it's harder to confront then people understand.

So does your BF really not want to try or is he scared/out of his depth with this.

Is date night still going ahead tonight?

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 13:38:58

Are you reading the same post as everyone else greta? smile

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 22-Nov-14 13:39:45

He doesn't care enough to remember or make any effort. He's told you plainly how important you are to him. And that's not at all. Start listening

Matildathecat Sat 22-Nov-14 13:43:41

He's avoiding you on every level. Sorry.

Castlemilk Sat 22-Nov-14 13:55:16

Um, dump him?

Isn't that obvious?

He doesn't give a toss about the relationship, as you say. Sounds like you live together, in which case he's there because it's easier and cheaper to live with someone than on your own. Do you cook for him? Do laundry? Help out with his son? That's why he's there, then.

Get rid and stop living your life like this. There really is no need, and no gain. You would be happier alone than living like this, and free to meet someone worth it.

Greta28 Sat 22-Nov-14 14:01:15

Yes Vivacia. The woman wants intimacy. He's tired, ok. But he never seems to give her intimacy, and sometimes, it really doesn't take long.
It's a bad frustration and I'm feeling her pain

SassyPasty Sat 22-Nov-14 14:08:42

When my H is really not up for it, I pull him 'down there' for 5 mins and everyone's happy.

Everyone's happy? Really? You've just 'pulled' your OH down there to take part in a sexual act he wasn't up for. I'm utterly gobsmacked shock

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 14:14:21

Yes Vivacia. The woman wants intimacy.

But your post doesn't discuss intimacy, at least, not how I'm interpreting your coy language.

Greta28 Sat 22-Nov-14 14:18:47

Sassy there are times when he does NOT want it, and makes it clear. So there is no force from my side.
But there are many times when one of us is desperate to 'get off' and the other person doesn't want a session, so 5 minute oral makes everyone happy, yes.

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Sat 22-Nov-14 14:19:41

Greta the issue is he doesn't care about whateverwhenever.

This is not about sex. Other than he doesn't seem to give a fuck about her. The ED is irrelevant.

Oral sex will not make her happy or stop her partner being a selfish arsehole.

Whateverwhenever - where do you see yourself in 5 years' time? Where would you like to be?

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Sat 22-Nov-14 14:20:13

Is your bf part of that picture?

Greta28 Sat 22-Nov-14 15:08:33

*This is not about sex. Other than he doesn't seem to give a fuck about her. The ED is irrelevant.
Oral sex will not make her happy or stop her partner being selfish*

But she seems to deviate to sex towards the end.
I guarantee you if he made a real effort in her sexual pleasure, things would be much more happier between them.

VroomOnTheBroom Sat 22-Nov-14 15:17:01

I agree that if he was the kind of person who could make a real effort about anything, the OP wouldn't be here...

But he won't make an effort, whether it's sex or childcare or parenting decisions.

So, OP, this is the bottom line. He won't do anything to change. Will you? Or will you be here in 10 years?

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 15:20:57

I guarantee you if he made a real effort in her sexual pleasure, things would be much more happier between them.

You guarantee us that if a man, who is making no effort with his partner and therefore making her unhappy in the relationship, made a real effort their relationship would be happier?

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 15:24:50

I agree with Greta, just pull him down there if he's not up for it, then everyone's happy! Apart from the person being abused perhaps?

TheHoneyBadger Sat 22-Nov-14 15:31:13

this one really is simple isn't it?

you dump him, get rid of him, he's not the father of your children and he doesn't give a shit about your needs or respect your say in things.

dump him - have your day a month in peace without this selfish arsehat in the picture.

TheHoneyBadger Sat 22-Nov-14 15:33:10

the 'no that's what ex wants' end of discussion response to your perfectly reasonable need to discuss/negotiate about contact says it all really. it certainly makes clear it's not just sexual coldness and disinterest in you and making an effort romantically but that it is in other areas too.

you deserve better than this and it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse.

if your ex only has his children once a month it sounds like you may be used to accepting crumbs from men and making do. it doesn't have to be that way moving forward.

Whateverwhenever Sat 22-Nov-14 16:28:18

joysmum no date night is not happening tonight either he has made that perfectly clear, when I brought it up he then said we had date night last night hmm

He is again making all the right noises that tonight will again be about him drinking what he wants and crashing out on the sofa!

What they say is true actions do speak louder than words! All the words have been there regarding sex, he even said a few weeks ago when I mentioned about his son and the contact issue that he would sort it, but as soon as I bring it up again he flatly refuses to speak/change it with the ex wife!

There have certainly been no actions in anyway to try and get things right between us!

Vivacia Sat 22-Nov-14 16:43:42

So he gets to sit around drinking and sleeping, and you providing childcare for his son.

What do you get out of this?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 22-Nov-14 16:43:55

The time to get rid is sorely overdue. Just get him to start his packing and be done with it.

You are patently not a priority other than having someone to wash his socks for him.

littleleftie Sat 22-Nov-14 17:09:35

Wow! He is a real prize isn't he?

How easily can you get rid? I am quite sure life would be far happier for you without being weighed down by his constant rejection, his "issues", his selfish behaviour.

He will probably backtrack and promise you the earth but you know as well as I do that it will only last five minutes.

You deserve better.

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