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Not really Aibu, but just need a bit of support today ...

(13 Posts)
Keepontrudging Sat 22-Nov-14 13:14:30

I am posting fr traffic as could do with some support due to being too embarrassed and upset to speak to RL friends and family right now. I posted on here recently regarding this matter: I am really at a loss as to what to think or feel anymore , but after much deliberation I have come to the agonising decision to end things with my partner. I am now faced to go it alone with a toddler -and soon -a newborn. I can't help feeling I am crazy for doing this, but the relationship is literally intolerable. I am far from perfect , but he is extremely immature and only getting worse. He is a good father, but as a partner is emotionally unavailable, immature, shouts and will not change things that NEED to change. We have gone back and forth with different problems and are getting nowhere. I feel like such a failure - but it is only really since this pregnancy things have become so difficult (probably due to lots of strain from life's happenings) I wouldn't have had kids by him if I would have known what he is really like. I regret not taking more time and thinking so rashly. Obviously I do not regret my babies; I just feel like everyone will judge me and deem me so irresponsible for getting pregnant again. If I would have known things were to go like this I would have thought more carefully. Hindsight is a beautiful things. I feel so alone, scared as to what the future holds- and most of all extreme guilt that my dd and soon to be son, will not have a proper family unit. The guilt is the worst, j feel like a total shame on my family too. It is the hardest thing to have to do, but I know it my gut it's right. It would be easier to stay- and put up and shut up, like I see so many doing... But I don't want that for my family. I am fed up of te hopelessness in the relationship, how he drags me down, the stress when I am pregnant - this oregnancy has been very difficult and I do not need this too. Please tell me someone else out there has done this and got by? I have a degree and plan to go into teaching - or study in midwifery, I have ambition and drive and I know I can support my babies long term- but right now all that seems so far away.

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Nov-14 13:23:04

I wish you the best of luck.

May I suggest that you report this thread and ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

There are lots of women there that have had to do the same and would be well placed to give you advice and support.

bananaramadramallama Sat 22-Nov-14 13:25:42

I haven't been through exactly what you are at the moment, but I've had my difficult times over the years - I also know many who have had to make the decision to become a single parent.

I honestly think that making that decision yourself (rather than waiting and waiting until it happens toyou), will give you some strength and confidence in the long run (iyswim).

There are many, many wonderful people on mn who can offer better support and advice re what help you can access etc when you leave - I am clueless about all that - but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

You will be a better parent to your children as a happy parent, so you are not contemplating anything that you should feel shame or regret about - it is your partner who should feel regret and sorrow, because he wasn't prepared to try.


bananaramadramallama Sat 22-Nov-14 13:26:48

X post with Nanny - agree about relationships topic being the best place for help and advice.

Keepontrudging Sat 22-Nov-14 13:27:55

Thanks nanny I shall report now. I did previously post in lone parents but have had no reply.

Keepontrudging Sat 22-Nov-14 13:29:37

Thanks banana for such encouraging and thoughtful feedback too

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 22-Nov-14 14:25:52

Moved to r'ships for you

3mum Sat 22-Nov-14 16:11:20

OP he sounds like a nightmare and I am not surprised you feel that you and your DC would be better off without him. Basically you have grown up and he never did.

I know that it is far from easy to decide to split up when you have children (been there, got the T shirt), but you need to look after yourself now, especially as you are PG. Remember if you break down then so does the support system for the children. If you feel that strongly about splitting then do it. You don't need anyone's permission.

I really doubt that anyone will judge you, but even if they did, does that matter and is it a good enough reason for you all to be leading a crappy life? One of the nicer aspects of maturity is that you cease to care about other people's "judgments" which you recognise are more about them and their own hot buttons than about the person they are judging.

Your DC are young and will grow up with a family consisting of you and them as their normal. That is not bad at all and these days it is very very common. A single mother who is calm, solid and loving is worth ten thousand of a nuclear family with a bratty, tantrumming, attention seeking immature partner.

I wish you luck.

Joysmum Sat 22-Nov-14 16:19:27

I wish you all the very best.

I totally agree with your decision to do what's best for you, as ultimately that's what's best for your children too. flowers

Lweji Sat 22-Nov-14 16:26:20

Staying and shutting up can drag you down so bad that it isn't really easier.
It will be hard, yes, but you sound strong and decided. I'm sure you'll do it all. smile
And your children will be happier with a happier mum.
Don't feel ashamed, btw. He should be.

Keepontrudging Sat 22-Nov-14 20:25:18

Thanks ladies. I guess as a mother we always feel guilt no matter what. But I know i feel more guilt ag the thought of her growing up in an unhappy home. I do need to let go completely of what everyone thinks and just see this through. I'm worried tomorrow he is going to come home and refuse to leave and cry etc but I have my mum in the afternoon so all should be fine. He's not a violent man or anything, just really rather pathetic and incapable. Extremely immature. He's just not stable enough for what I want and need- although he is a good dad. Together we are not good. It would be easier to stay - but I know inevitably we would be here again... And I can't have this instability for my kids.

minmooch Sat 22-Nov-14 21:58:33

You sound like a strong, independent woman who knows what is best for her and her family. That doesnot mean it is the easiest route to take but it will lead to greater happiness in the long term. I left my husband when my two were young. It was not easy but I remember the day I moved into my new home and the relief I felt. You can do this.

Keepontrudging Sat 22-Nov-14 22:19:18

Wow thanks min! I think I just really needed to hear that right now. Thanks so much smile

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