Dating someone with no confidence

[Hesaysshewaffles]

Not sure if it's classed as dating when it's only been a few weeks but here goes...

I knew he was shy when I met but I found it cute. Now we've got to know each other better he isn't. But he has such little confidence that it's a bit hard work. I can't compliment him without him questioning me about why I think that. When it comes to foreplay it's all fine, but when it comes to anything else. He'll do it for a about 5 mins and then stop saying that it's clearly not working and he's shit. I'm being patient as after lots of times there's been no actual dtd. But what do I do?

I've asked if there's anything I can do to help him relax etc but he says that's putting him under pressure!

He's lack of confidence is rubbing off on me and making me question what's wrong with me and why can't I get him 'in to' it - it sounds mean but it's a bit of a turn off.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Honestly? Don't waste any more time. It's utterly boring and draining being with someone who constantly needs their ego propping up. Dating is meant to be fun. Let him go fix his confidence in his own time.

[Thumbcat]

I agree with cogito. If a relationship is this much hard work at the very beginning then it doesn't bode well.

He also sounds like the type who will start to get funny about you going out without him and who will want you to turn down invitations because he doesn't want to go to things ( been there - very tedious).

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW accusing you of putting him under pressure for something that is his problem has a whiff of 'red flag' blaming about it. Expect a bad reaction when you tell him it's over but do it anyway

[BringMeTea]

If you think you have a future you need to have a conversation. Pull no punches. Express your concerns. If he is open to discussing it and looking at possible ways forward all well and good. If he gets very defensive and wants to shut down the conversation cut and run.

[Hesaysshewaffles]

Thank you for your posts. I was a bit worried I'd get flamed and told to give the bloke a chance! He is really nice and I've never clicked with someone like him. He 'gets' me. But sex - well lack - is hardwork, which cancels everything out. I'll try to do stuff to him but he's clearly so unrelaxed it's awkward and makes me want the moment to be over. Shouldn't it be fun and passionate so early on? That's what it's always been for me in the past.

I feel so bad as from what he's said his ex made him have the lack of confidence.

I'll do what you suggested and have a chat and see what happens. Like you said cogito, I think he needs to work on his confidence before looking for a relationship

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He really shouldn't be out there dating if he's such a mess. A bad relationship experience can easily leave someone low in confidence but they have no right to make others feel bad as a result. Being really uncharitable, seems his ex is to blame, you're putting pressure on him, he's a bit too quick with the 'I'm rubbish' (compliment fishing)... and he's not taking much responsibility for himself.

Walk away...

[MadeMan]

"...a bit too quick with the 'I'm rubbish' (compliment fishing)"

Too much of this kind of talk and I end up agreeing with the person and thinking, "Yeah, you're right, you are rubbish."

I hate it when people fish for compliments; it puts me right off them. Self deprecating humour is one thing, but constantly putting yourself down is tiresome and very unattractive.

[Wotsitsareafterme]

Sounds like too much hard work.

[TropicalHorse]

I married my un-confident fella - am very empathetic as he had a horrible childhood and poor self esteem. But I can't deny it's a bit wearing! But it's not a dealbreaker for me, so I just keep encouraging him to believe in himself while at the same time not putting up with ANY fishing for compliments or tacit requests for ego-stroking. Taking the piss usually snaps him out of it quick smart.

[vintagecrap]

As someone who was very recently in this situation. .. run. Just leave it.

I thought I'd give it time, he said if I was patient it would get better but any mention of it I was mean.

It's most likely this is the tip of the ice berg in terms of issues.

[Hesaysshewaffles]

Thank you for your posts. I know what I need to do, but I feel so mean - especially as he has low self esteem/confidence. I won't exactly be helped.

[vintagecrap]

Honestly, I felt exactly the same. Poor man, I thought. I'll just be patient like he says.

Fast forward 3 months and it's poor me.

His needs don't come before yours. Why would you sacrifice your own decent sex life over someone you haven't known 5 minutes.

If it makes you feel less mean, don't say that's the reason, just say you have realised you aren't ready for a relationship, have enjoyed your time with him and wish him well.

[vvviola]

Coming at it from a different perspective - I was that person when I met my now DH (although only in relationship matters - with work/study etc I had enough self confidence).

I'd come out of a soul destroying relationship that left me with a lot of issues, I then went on and made a few very silly relationship choices. When DH met me I had some seriously warped ideas about what sort of relationship I "deserved" and my "abilities" within a relationship.

He took a chance on me, built me back up in some ways, made me realised I wasn't the person that relationship had made me.

I still sometime can't believe he went through that first 3 or 4 months (long distance too). I know I was very hard work on relationship issues but I was the first woman he'd met who could argue with him about the use of tunnelling at the Battle of Messines in WW1, so I guess it wasn't all hard work

He didn't have to hang around. But I'm immensely glad he did and he says he is too

Not that you have to hang around either, there's no obligation on you. But sometimes it is only just a short-ish term blip.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

One reason he will have been pulling this 'poor me' crap is to create some guilt and obligation. You can't dump someone as damaged as I am!!!! The next woman he dates, you'll be another ex who has crushed his confidence.... Feel mean and do it anyway

[Meerka]

Suggest that he gets some counselling and that he doesn't date until he's in a better position.

he can't be ready for another relationship until he can be stronger in himself.

Just a note; people who are that unconfident, there is often some ... eh ... they kind of adjust themselves to be what the other person expects in terms of personality. that's why they can feel like they 'get' you more than others. But it's not really them, its more adjusting to fit around someone else because they've not much confidence in themselves.

( i hope that makes any sense!)

[Hesaysshewaffles]

So I did it yesterday. It was hard and the lack of confidence was evident. I felt so guilty. I obviously had to sugar coat the truth! He said such nice things about me that no one has before that I felt even more like a bitch

[blueshoes]

Good on you. Ignore the guilt. Sounds manipulative somehow. A relationship should make you feel good not bring you down.

[Hesaysshewaffles]

Thanks blueshoes. Took nearly two hours of text messaging as he kept asking more questions. I have left questioning my sanity?!

[TinyWishes]

You made the right decision! Do you feel relieved?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Did you manage to keep sugar coating the answers to his questions for two hours or did you crack and end up telling him he was an insecure PITA ....

[Hesaysshewaffles]

Cogito well it went from bad to worse. He begged/guilted me for another chance. Why did I have to be so nice?! It was awful and everything annoyed me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That was always on the cards sadly . Is he properly gone now? Do you feel relieved?

[Mammanat222]

Well I hope you stood firm! You had a lucky escape.

[Hesaysshewaffles]

No he isn't! I don't want to hurt his feelings but I know that it's because I'm not attracted to him and the confidence is just another turn off. I have tried to be nice! I think I may have to stop sugar coating!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He isn't gone? You mean you caved?