DH and Xmas invite to Mil

[soppycatlovelady]

This my first post so I hope I don't get it wrong. There is a long back story which I may post about another time.

We were discussing Christmas and what time we would eat as DS will be working for part of the day and also how to make it easy as I have some health issues. Then DH said " Of course, I shall have to ask my mother in case she is on her own". In itself that is not an issue although she always used to prefer going to BILand exSIL as she "set a beautiful table" but I felt that he didn't consider that he had to ask me if it was OK. I do all of the cooking although he is does a fair share of other tasks.

[soppycatlovelady]

Am I being silly to feel he should have phrased it differently?

[usualsuspect333]

He mentioned it to you before he asked his mum. I don't think he did anything wrong.

[Rebecca2014]

Is this really worth posting a thread over? It is not like he said "My mother coming no matter what you say!" He has also given you plenty of notice.

You have a son, I wonder how your feel if his future wife had an funny attitude about you?

[Optimist1]

Without any idea of the backstory it's difficult to say whether you're being silly. As usual says, he did raise the subject with you before inviting her, so at least you have the opportunity to discuss it further with him. Perhaps, since you're doing the cooking, he could be in charge of setting an exceptionally beautiful table?

[soppycatlovelady]

Thank you for your help. It did feel that he was saying she had to come whether I liked it or not and I guess I would have liked him to have if it was alright by me that he asked.

There is a slight imbalance of power in our relationship which if Mumsnet had been around years ago might not be an issue now.

[soppycatlovelady]

to have asked oops sorry

[littleleftie]

Tell us more about this slight imbalance of power soppy......

If it is an issue it isn't too late to make changes, establish boundaries.

[Castlemilk]

I see what you mean.

I think I would have replied 'Oh you're going to be more involved this year then? That's,good, maybe you do the main and I'll do puddings.'

And when he said 'Eh? What?' I'd say 'Oh it's just you said I'll have to invite her, as if it's something you're responsible for too, you know, rather than saying to me, I think we should invite Mum, are you OK with catering for her too.' That's fine though, it will be much easier for me if you're doing cooking and inviting etc., I'd love an easier year. By all means take charge and you can invite who you like!'

You could still say this now -bring the subject up and get your point across...

[SanityClause]

The "balance of power" has shifted within our relationship to make it more equal. It is possible to do this. Obviously, your DH would have to accept that it needed to happen, and to care enough about you and the relationship for it to happen.

You would need to discuss it with him, and understand there are a few ways it could go;

1. He doesn't want things to change, and you go back to the status quo
   
2. He doesn't want things to change, but you decide you don't want to go back to the status quo, and the marriage ends.
   
3. He accepts that things are currently unfair, and the marriage becomes more equal.
   
   If you start the discussion, you have to accept that scenarios 1 and 2 could happen. If you don't start the discussion, things are not likely to change.
   
   In the situation you describe, you could call him on it. "Please could we discuss whether to ask your mother, rather than you just announcing that you intend to do it." Point out that its a difference in attitude - discussing is treating you as an equal partner, announcing is treating you as his subordinate - it's not about whether you want his mother there or not.

[BlackeyedSusan]

the assumption that it would be okay would have annoyed me too. It is polite to ask and consider all the people involved first. If one partner has asked because the situation came up, they need to go back and acknowledge that they probably should have checked first, and do a fair proportion of the extra work.

(depends on house rules though, and the partners. both may be ok with inviting/.letting the other half invite close relis whenever, in which case there is presumed permission anyway)

[vitabrits]

I see where you are coming from. He said 'I will have to. .....', whereas 'Shall we......?' would have come across so much better.

[Holdthepage]

There really isn't that much effort required to cook enough for an extra person at Christmas. If you feel your DH takes you for granted or doesn't pull his weight then you should bring the subject up but please don't use his DM coming for Christmas dinner as the reason.