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So angry, hurt and disappointed!

(22 Posts)
StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 02:04:53

DP and I have fallen out tonight and it all started because my DS had failed to make a start on dinner, even though we had both written to him asking him to.

DP has an arrangement to see his two younger children and mostly he goes up to where they live and (so he says) stays at a friend's house. The contact itself isn't an issue but he's lied in the past about his sleeping arrangements. I've only been up once, got introduced to the ex, and we were supposed to be going up tomorrow, all three of us.

So we were in the middle of cooking dinner, DP starts to tell DS off for not doing as we had asked and says to me that he couldn't see us three going together. His point was that he didn't want to reward DS with a trip (we had planned cinema and meal out with his boys, and a music performance in the evening for the three of us). I became defensive as I felt that he was pushing me out at which point he said that if I wasn't going, he might as well go tonight. It's not the first time that he turns his back on me when I've done nothing wrong and I am pretty good at disciplining DS (even my horrid exh only has high praise for my parenting!?!?). I felt really hurt that he was actually going to be away for two nights, and because of certain things that have happened in the past, I couldn't help thinking that it was all part of some plan to fit in with whatever he's got planned where the children are.

He went out, taking his overnight bag with him, but I was secretly praying that he wasn't going to do something as stupid as actually going there tonight. He did come back twice (not sure what he was doing) and tried to call me, but he also said some very harsh words and I simply couldn't believe how he was taking all this anger out on me. He tried to call a few times and when I eventually answered it, I found out that he was almost there.

It may seem over-dramatic but I don't believe that we can recover from this. This weekend was very important, not only because it was the first time that the three of us would be going together, but also because the whole access arrangement is a 'work in progress' in the moment. It'd have introduced another alternative to the equation, seeing that they boys can't miss their football once a month to spend time at their dad's home. To me, the fact that he's chosen to go by himself tells me a lot more than just an argument over DS' laziness. It was about us as a unit, and being seeing that way. To me, it would have been the reassurance that I can trust DP and have nothing to worry about. This has all gone down the drain and I am shocked and deeply hurt by how DP has spoken to me, and some of the things that he's said. So at this point, I've told him to have a lovely weekend but that I had had enough of the lies and messy arrangements.

We were due to get married in September, so supposedly we were pretty serious about each other - one would like to think so, anyway!! ;-)

Wrapdress Sat 22-Nov-14 03:50:24

So, are you thinking he was trying to get out of everyone going so he could stay with the mother of his two children - like stay in the same bed with her?

wallaby73 Sat 22-Nov-14 04:10:50

Stella, i don't have any huge words of wisdom as i think you've sussed out the situation pretty clearly...it feels like he has blown up a pretty minor misdemeanour from your DS and used it as an excuse......just to say i've been there, it hurts.....a lot. I totally grasp where you are coming from, how you feel he has backed off from making the statement of you all as a "unit" going forward, and compounded by past behaviour, and it just feels you are right back there. So sorry....i think you are right to question the wedding ��

rootypig Sat 22-Nov-14 05:10:44

I agree with your assessment of him trying to get out of the planned weekend - for whatever reason. I think your response was good. He needs to make his choice - are you a family, or not? it's not an ultimatum, just a decision on your part that you won't put up with it, and a step back to try and see things with clear eyes.

How old is your DS? it sounds as though he is unfairly taking flak from DP (would you agree? does this happen often?)

Do you mean you were meant to get married this September just gone, or you are engaged to be married this September coming?

mynewpassion Sat 22-Nov-14 06:55:27

So I did a quick search of your last thread because I remember you and I also commented on it. Was trying to remember the details again. I know its in bad taste but I also did a cursory look at some of your other posts about your relationship with your DP, Mainly reading the topic heading and a bit of the original posts.

The impression I got is that the relationship isn't very stable. Your OP also seems to allude to this.

Also, maybe he needs to rebuild his relationship with his children again before you are involved. I know you mentioned that the ex stopped contact visits for over a year but prior to that, he wasn't even seeing them often, maybe something like a handful of times or less a year.

My advice in your last thread was that weekend visits, he (and you sometimes) visit his children because its a 10 hour roundtrip. Its not workable on a weekend. He goes and picks them up and bring them back and a few hours later, takes them home and come back. During school holidays and summer, they can come and stay at his house with you and your son.

PotteringAlong Sat 22-Nov-14 07:06:11

Why had you Written to DS asking him to start dinner? Why not just ask?

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 08:24:26

mynewpassion hi there, I think this may have been someone else as the ex has never stopped contact. DP moved away from them of his own accord but to the best of my knowledge, he's always seen the children. But you are right that when things like this happen, we don't seem to have a solid foundation that would prompt us to sit down & talk.

rootypig DS is 15, turning 16 in a few months and yes, September 2015. Hm...the things that DP goes on about are exactly the same as mine. We were both at work, hence the messages to DS instead of face-to-face, and DP was taking DS to watch a game nearby before dinner. As part of earning his pocket money, DS has to start dinner once a week - I've always made a point of getting DS to help out somehow and with the cooking, it's getting him to practice so that he can look after himself well later on in life. With the chores / helping out etc, this has always been the case and no something that got introduced when DP came along. When DS was younger, it was a start chard and little things like setting the table or putting his school blazer in the washing. Anyway, DP really kicked off when he was talking to DS about it later on, and DS started making up excuses for not doing as he had been asked. By then, DP was tired and feeling unwell, DS has his stroppy-teenage-cap on which didn't help.

On my other thread about DP and DS' relationship, I have tried to explain that the things that are causing arguments are basic stuff. We really put ourselves out a lot for DS and although not showered with consumable goods, he would get anything and everything from DP if only he was to pull his finger out.

But the bottom line here is the way that DP handled the whole thing. He's 46 not 15, and I would have understood him taking out on me if I had sided or made an excuse for DS, which wasn't the case. As it was, I felt abandoned and betrayed, on the basis that it was just the excuse that DP needed to go by himself. Whether he sleeps in the same bed as the exw, no idea but this sort of thing would explain the constant reference that the boys make to "when mum & dad do this...", which I find odd seeing that the little one was a baby when they separated.

wallaby73 yes, that was exactly what I needed this weekend: to present us as a 'unit', which is why it was so important to me.

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 08:25:55

sorry I meant start chart!

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 11:36:50

again! star chart!!!

lunar1 Sat 22-Nov-14 11:46:05

This doesn't excuse him at all but do you think he is trying to avoid presenting you as a unit?

My dad any step mum used to do this and it was more hurtful than I can say. We had contact once a month for a while, why did his girlfriend and daughter have to come? Why couldn't we just have our dad once a month when they had him all the time?

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 11:52:16

hi lunar I agree with your point and that's why I normally stay out of the way, so that DP can have time with his children on their own. This weekend would have been my second time where they live, and we've been together for almost 2 years. DS hasn't been at all, and most of the time DP goes up by himself instead of them coming down - they've only been here a handful of times and he sees them every other weekend.

Yes, maybe just like he didn't want to tell them about our engagement, he didn't want his exw to see us as a unit.

Castlemilk Sat 22-Nov-14 12:44:03

I think your instincts are correct.

For whatever reason, he wanted an argument last night.

Could be that he's still sleeping with his ex - could be that he's too chickenshit to go through with presenting you finally as a unit to his first family - fearing that he will be punished for it, or even that his boys just won't like it.

You're doing a lot of accommodating here. You're being asked to trust him merrily going off to his first family, and you're not even sure he's sleeping where he is. In return, he's obviously reluctant to give you the reassurance of taking you there, announcing you as his partner, etc.

Not good enough.

I'd call off the wedding right now. Then have a good think. I suspect you could do a lot better than this. I also suspect that even if he isn't sleeping with his ex, he's certainly playing happy families and quite possibly sleeping there. If so, you want to drop him like a stone.

lunar1 Sat 22-Nov-14 13:06:01

Sorry I forgot the end of my post. No matter what his reasoning is for not wanting you to go he should not have behaved like a child engineering an argument.

He is 46, and you are about to get married. He caused an argument and put your child in the middle of it. That is disgusting behaviour.

You need an honest conversation whit him about what he sees in the future. For tour marriage to work you will probably both have to make compromises on what you want to happen.

First and foremost though he needs to communicate with you like a grown up and you need to see that he is keeping to his word. Only then will you know if this is what you want for you and your son.

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 13:39:18

I think it went like this: 1) he mentioned today's plan and how he couldn't see us going ahead with the original arrangement; 2) I became defensive thinking that he was looking for an excuse to go by himself and said that he'd better go by himself, 3) he interpreted it as though I was taking DS' side and said that if that was the case then he was going last night, 4) I saw that as confirmation that he did have another plan in mind.

The point where DS came into it went as far as DP getting angry with DS' response / justifications. After that, it was all very much down to his 'huffing' and 'puffing' which either went too far or was premeditated. Either way, I haven't heard from him today and I said on my last text that I've had enough of the lies and messy arrangements - I try to run my life with as much transparency and respect for others as possible. I don't play games and I tried my best not to drag people into my personal dramas - in fact, I've worked incredibly hard to lead a almost drama-free life. We have a trust issue, as result of things that he's said and done in the past, and I'm still not sure what the score is with the exw. And maybe I am tired and don't particularly want to have a relationship where I am spending time on this sort of thinking. Or is that unrealistic??

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 13:43:46

My point is that if he didn't have something else planned, he would have come back home and talked like a sensible grown up.

StellaBrillante Sat 22-Nov-14 19:48:42

DP sent me a long text saying I should have been there to do bla bla bla and people asking where I was (ha! who? the ex?) and saying how I make excuses for DS when I want to - that's utterly absurd. I try and be realistic with certain things but only because I keep hearing other parents and the teachers referring to 'teenage boys'. If anything, I know for a fact that I much more strict and have higher expectations than most other parents in our social circle.
I just said that at the end of the day, he had a choice to get things sorted and us two (without DS) go up today. He chose to leave last night so I can only assume that he is where he wants to be and with whom he wants to be. That pretty much tells me everything I need to know about where we stand or where we go from here.

StellaBrillante Sun 23-Nov-14 17:49:00

How did I feel to in control up until midday today and now I feel like I am falling apart?!

I haven't heard from DP at all today and he's still not back. He normally gets back by 5 at the latest. A part of me feels angry that the crisis that he started isn't important enough for him to get home to sort it out - and how wonderful that he's having a great time with his family! On the other hand, I did tell him that it was over so not sure what he'd be rushing back to? And I am terrified that there is really no coming back from this mess. I couldn't simply forgive as it was a pretty big blow, but I thought he'd actually show his face and do what we should have done on Friday night: iron things out face-to-face.

Oh this is going to hurt, isn't it? Am I being hypocritical here, or am I losing control?

LuluJakey1 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:00:10

You must have put in an awful couple of days. I don't know what to suggest. You both sound angry and upset .He sounds like he was more comfortable going by himself for whatever reason.

You seem to feel he could still be sleeping with his ex. Sounds a bit odd to me when he hardly goes up there. I don't understand why he was so nasty to you.

When he comes home you should try to talk and listen without getting angry with each other. This has the potential to derail your relationship as you said.

No help but [fflowers]

LuluJakey1 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:00:54

Sorry flowers smile

StellaBrillante Sun 23-Nov-14 18:22:15

lulu thank you!

As it turned out, he walked in through the door just after I had posted here. I wish I had read your response as we just got into a massive row. He was trying to initiate conversation and asked me whether I had been to the gym. We always go together, but I wanted to go earlier today and I was pissed off. That was followed by him, huffing & puffing, walking into our room and seeing that I had taken down the new canvas photo of us that he ordered a few days ago. I knew that was going to hurt so maybe it was retaliation.

We are now stuck on what looks like a 'power-struggle' and just adding layers and layers of anger to it all. The one thing that we haven't done is sat down to have a conversation.

LuluJakey1 Sun 23-Nov-14 20:14:59

Pick your moment when you have both had a bit of time to cool off. Tell him you don't want to argue and you want both of you to understand each other, say you'd like to have a conversation where neither of you gets angry and you both just listen to each other.

You can't go on like this.

Hope you sort it out. It sounds like you are both really wound up.

I hate rows. DH and I hardly ever argue but if we do we make up straight away. He is worse than I am for hating rows. We are good talkers to each other - that's why he hates rows because he can't bear to have no one to talk to.

QueenQueenie Sun 23-Nov-14 20:28:43

Does your poor ds have to listen to all this drama, arguing and anger?!
It all sounds a long way off being stable enough and secure enough to base a marriage on.

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