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Being with someone who truly loves and respects me

(8 Posts)
FaithLoveandGrace Sat 22-Nov-14 00:33:46

I wasn't really sure whether to post this on relationships or mental health so hopefully this is okay.

Potential trigger warning.

Throughout my teenager years I was sexually abused by my boyfriend at the time. He made me feel like I was the one in the wrong and I shouldn't say no. Even when he was hurting me he would rarely stop, making comments like "I'll make it quick" or if he did stop he'd just complain and run me down emotionally. He was my first boyfriend and so I didn't know any different. He made me feel like it was all normal, that I was the one in the wrong, not him.

Fast forward a good few years and I'm engaged to the most amazing guy. I'm starting to realise what a normal relationship is and how bad my first one was. Sorry if tmi but we were recently having sex and it started hurting. He stopped straight away when I told him and was fab about it. He didn't make me feel guilty at all and kept reminding me he loves me. I almost burst into tears as it felt like I was letting him down by asking him to stop. It took me back to those times when my ex would just carry on or get really arsey.

I can't believe how cool DP was with it. He's amazing and stops immediately he suspects it hurts / I don't want it. Often I have to keep telling him I want to be intimate as he's so careful about making sure it's what I want.

I've tried for years to dismiss what ex did and play it down. But being with DP and being intimate with him, someone who I love so deeply and respect and who loves and respects me too makes it harder to downplay what happened. I don't quite know how to deal with all the emotions that are coming up.

I'm not quite sure what I want from this post. I guess I just need to get things out there instead of bottling it all up again.

KateeGee Sat 22-Nov-14 00:50:49

It's great that you have a supportive partner now, this will be immensely helpful.

Have you had any counselling or anything to work through it in your head? I have been in therapy for vaguely similar reasons and while I was a bit cynical and pessimistic at first, and it was and is a bit painful, I find it is helping and I am feeling less like a crazy person. I am more ans more inclined to accept that my reactions to things now are rooted in things that happened to me in the past through no fault of my own. And that is gradually helping me to move on and be less fearful.

I am about ten steps behind you though, so have no advice really. Someone else will.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 05:13:20

I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship. What you're describing is rape, sadly. It's a horrible realisation and you may need some professional help dealing with the past trauma. Your partner is really just doing what any decent man would do and I'm pleased you have someone supportive. However, sexual abuse is a terrible crime, the effects can be long lasting and you may need more than kindness to deal with them. Rape Crisis may be worth contacting. Good luck

FaithLoveandGrace Sat 22-Nov-14 13:16:43

Thanks both.

Katee I have seen a counsellor but it was a while ago and we stopped too soon. She thought I was fine and had the necessary techniques etc to cope, but I really didn't. I've been trying to find another one but to no avail. Still looking though.

Cogito thanks for your reply. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept it was rape. It seems wrong describing it as that as he was never physically abusive - well once he pushed me over and left me crying on the floor, but he was never physically violent in terms of sex. When it hurt he wasn't physically holding me down, it just hurt down there and a lot of the time I froze up. I should've just left him but I guess as I was only 14 when it first happened I just thought it was normal.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 13:25:30

Rape is when sex takes place without permission. If you ask someone to stop and they carry on, that's an offence. It's a physical assault and it is violence, even if there are no additional aggravating circumstances such as battery

Joysmum Sat 22-Nov-14 13:49:45

It took me years to realise I'd been raped. I down played it, I wasn't a victim, I made excuses.

Funnily enough, as with you, it's the fact that my DH is so wonderful that made me realise and things got worse from there for me. It's only in the past year (26 years on) that I'm getting help now.

Greta28 Sat 22-Nov-14 14:05:25

It's easy for me to say, but you seem to dwell more on what the ex did, rather than what an amazing guy tho boyfriend is. He has fantastic qualities, can you try and think about him when the ex pops into your mind? It'll be very hard at first, but if you continue with this exercise it will become more of a sort of second nature.

KateeGee Sat 22-Nov-14 14:42:13

Hi OP,

I had similar, I had various short term counselling that, partly because of time constraints and partly because I was adamant that I did not want to discuss the past, didn't really get to the bottom of it all. I kept saying I only wanted tools to cope, not rake over the past, and that didn't allow me to close the book, if you like. It's a shame your counsellor felt that way and couldn't see through the surface and encouraged you to carry on.

I finally found somewhere once I reached rock bottom that has offered me therapy for a few years. I was on a waiting list for a few months but am quite into it now and slowly opening up about things. It's costing a lot but worth it. I hope you find something soon. Rape Crisis may be able to help, I believe they offer or refer to counselling.

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