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Should I be wanting to castrate him or AIBU?

(26 Posts)
chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 19:49:06

Pregnant with DD2. 19 weeks. Things have been overly stressy for us for the last few months to the point where some of the things affecting us are awful kind of "hardest times you go through" stuff that have all come at once. Relationship is usually amazing. It come to a head last night and he got really really really nasty. I told him he had to go. He wouldnt. Diddnt want to.
This morning he saw sense and we both agreed he should leave for a bit. He is staying with his parents (not a problem). No idea if this is for days or weeks or what. I desperately want him and our relationship back as does he. He has accepted he has treated me awfully and said he will take a few days and work on his issues and try and come back. Im scared. Not scared of him but scared of the future in general at the minute.

How normal is it for things to get like this at some point and for one person to leave (with both people knowing its the right thing and every intention of coming back very soon). Is this just a blip or is it the end of things? Have any of you had things like this happen you can both look back on and laugh now at how silly it was and gone on to have happy marriages? Or is this really really unusual? Hand holding please!

Madlizzy Fri 21-Nov-14 19:50:24

In which way did he get nasty?

chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 19:50:30

Probably a bad title.. I mean should I be really really angry for him fucking off? Should I be feeling upset like its the end? Or is there a chance things might be ok? Can you recover from this kind of thing if both people want to. Is it just like a few nights away?

chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 19:53:17

It was verbal Madlizzy, very nasty verbal. And he kept grabbing me. Not hurting me or anything. Grabbing me to try and "get me to see sense". At one point he grabbed me and when I went to move he laughed at me. As if it was funny. There was a lot of anger on his part but he has never hurt me.

AuntieStella Fri 21-Nov-14 19:57:39

chilly nipper: did you mean to post this in AIBU?

The relationships board, or chat, might be a better place.

I do believe that couples can get through an awful lot of shit, if they are genuinely committed to each other and prepared to use that as a spur to actually addressing the issue (rather than as a slogan IYSWIM). Without knowing why things have been building up for months (instead of occurring, then being dealt with), then it's hard to comment on what might be going on here.

One general, point - "I will change" means 'I haven't actually changed yet'.

And channel Yoda 'Either do or do not do. There is no "try"'

Littlef00t Fri 21-Nov-14 19:59:31

From what you've said I don't think you've got a problem. Things have got on top of both of you, you can talk your way back to normal.

AdoraBell Fri 21-Nov-14 20:00:26

Sounds like he needs to take more than a few days to work on his issues, like a few years. That kind of behavior is abusive.

YellowTulips Fri 21-Nov-14 20:01:25

OP - I think you'd do better asking MNHQ to move this to Relationships rather than AIBU.

In the meantime I'd say this. As you have described his behaviour was unacceptable and abusive.

The fact he has agreed to give you some space and work on his issues is a good first step - but one that needs to be built upon.

Madlizzy Fri 21-Nov-14 20:04:41

I would agree that his behaviour was abusive. Are you sure that it didn't hurt when he grabbed you?

KeepSmiling83 Fri 21-Nov-14 20:11:11

I am pregnant with DC2 and we are going through a very stressful time. So much so that I have wondered on a number of occasions if we should still be together. But I want to try to make it work for my DD and new baby. So no words of wisdom but hand holding as I know how worrying a time like this can be!

Metalguru Fri 21-Nov-14 20:14:58

Poor you OP, hormones probably raging too, nothing worse than a nasty argument when you are pregnant sad your oh should not be be behaving like this,especially when you are pregnant, but it's good that he has acknowledged he needs to give you space for a while. Your relationship is not doomed of course, but it sounds like there has been stuff going on that you haven't worked through, have you thought about Relate? Hope you are ok cake

chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 20:32:24

Thanks everyone. Hormones are raging Metal and although Ive been very reasonable, I am wondering if I've sort of driven him to it. Ive not been as loving and happy as usual and I feel like its my fault. He is usually the most wonderful person.

Sorry its so difficult KeepSmiling. Hoping the rest of your pregnancy is much better than this!

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 21-Nov-14 20:34:23

hiya op
Do let us know if you'd like this thread moved to relationships

minklundy Fri 21-Nov-14 20:40:51

His behaviour was abusive.
You didn't drive him to it.
It wasn't your fault.
If he tries to make you think it was then no, it cannot be fixed. It is a long road of temporary respite and misery.

Yes it is quite common for things to feel like the end, break off and then resume. Usually in abusive relationships. It happened in mine countless times.

So, him returning tail between his legs is not a sign this is ok. What he needs to do, is to fully accept this was wrong, that you get over it when you are ready not when he says so and that he seriously needs to do some work on himself.

And even then you don't have to stay with him if you don't want to. An apology and a promise is not enough to stop DV in fact it is an integral part of it.

chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 20:48:02

Its not DV, I just want him to come home. Yes please could you move it to relationships thanks

AdoraBell Fri 21-Nov-14 20:57:28

There is moré To abuse than DV. He was emotionally abusive and he chose To behave in that way. He also escalated To physical abuse by grabbing you because you didn't concede To his view point or opinión.

That is only a hair's breadth away from actual violence. You deserve better and so do your DCs.

minklundy Fri 21-Nov-14 21:03:08

Op I understand that you jist want him to come home. Especially as you are pg.

Just make sure that that does not turn into I just want him to come home whatever it takes.

He has crossed a line. Once it has been crossed once it is easier to cross it again. He needs to be in absolutely no doubt that that line must never be crossed again.

chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 21:13:39

I just cant stop crying sad

Mmmporridge Fri 21-Nov-14 21:38:18

Hmm, the grabbing you and laughing at you really concerns me - in my experience just the beginning of worse behaviour once you accept that. If you decide to try to make your relationship work, please keep your eye on this aspect of his behaviour and if it is repeated, leave him. I have never been grabbed or laughed at in a healthy relationship iyswim

YellowTulips Fri 21-Nov-14 21:45:38


I don't think MNHQ will have seen your request to move the thread so I have reported it to let them know.

Will post again when it's moved. thanks

YellowTulips Fri 21-Nov-14 22:15:28

Hi OP now we are off AIBU do you feel able to tell us more about some of the issues that led up to this situation?

Having said that it's important not to minimise what's happened.

It will feel awful him not being there and it it sounds like you both need a break to work on some underlying issues and make sure he is in control of his emotions.

If it helps to know, DH and I went through a similar crisis - whilst it was awful we worked through it and are very happy together (and have been for 10 yrs post issues).

However it took a lot of work and honesty to get there. So no, it's not necessarily the end but sometimes you really do need to stop and rethink the direction of the relationship - especially when a red flag like you have described has occurred.

It's can be so easy to fall into patterns of abusive normality. It's harder to say, stop we are NOT going down that path - but checking the behaviour now as you have done will do far more to save your relationship, your sanity and children's well being then letting it go. thanks

chillynipper Fri 21-Nov-14 22:28:09

Thanks Yellow. I wouldn't identify it as abusive. I have been in a very abusive relationship before (physical and emotional) and dh is the complete opposite in every way. I cant go further into the issues that lead us here. If I was outed I don't know what would happen to my family. We have never had issues between us iyswim but wider issues like financial difficulties and ex's making things difficult and medical problems personally with both of us and dc and pregnancy. That said we have never had issues with our relationship until now which is why its come as such a shock. Im just so scared of losing him.

YellowTulips Fri 21-Nov-14 22:38:37

So it sounds like pressures outside your relationship are the cause of the issue.

Appreciate you can't say more but is this the case in general?

Assuming this is so then you both need to find a heathy way to address these issues without turning on each other.

However firstly you need to set a hard limit that the abuse that happened today (and it was abuse) needs to be acknowledged and cannot happen again.

Meerka Fri 21-Nov-14 22:45:10

YOu say a lot of shit has been coming both your ways. Is it the first time he and you have had to handle the biggest challenges of life? If so, well, no one handles it well the first time. Sometimes you just get through and sometimes you do take it out on the people you love.

Someone who really means well will have been shocked by the thigns he said and genuinely and deeply sorry. It is not your fault that he said these things; no matter what YOU do, HIS response lies within HIS responsibility.

Do you normally talk things through if one of you is unhappy? explosions rarely come out of nowhere. If it's been bottled up then things can go way over the top.

People do occasionally act out of character and regret it.

This is make and break for him and for your relationship. If he's a decent and resilient person at base, he'll apologise and try to make it up to you ... if you want him to. Some things you can't go back from.

If it's any help, my now-husband made, er, a lot of mistakes when I moved in and was heavily preg with added HG. I understood it even while it was pretty spectacularly stupid. It's taken a long time to leave it in the past but we're getting there, and the relationship is stronger and stronger.

Cabrinha Fri 21-Nov-14 22:46:49

You poor thing.
I think, before you can make any decisions, you have to be honest with yourself.
I am sorry to be harsh, but it was no verbal, it was physical. He grabbed you. That is a physical act.
So if you take him back, do so being honest with yourself about what he has done. And expect that honesty from him too.

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