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should i get in touch with my ds's family?

(13 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Fri 21-Nov-14 19:36:01

My DS is 15 now and has never asked any questions about his biological father or his family. It might be that he doesn't want to upset me or it might be that he's not interested as I remarried and we're all settled. He seems very happy.
I know the day will come he'll want to know more. TBH I don't know much myself, I was 18 and his father died pretty much just after I gave birth.
I don't think of it much but I'm aware my ds is getting older so I out of curiosity, searched for his father's family on facebook. They're all there. It was amazing looking at the similarities. They look like a nice family.
I very nearly sent a message just saying hello, but then I realised. Should I talk to my ds first? should i talk to my dh first? I feel like i'm going behind their backs. The family on facebook might want to get very involved and it might not work out, they might want more than my DS wants, if that makes sense.. It's also approaching christmas, will they want me popping up right now? I heard when my ds's father died that they were trying to trace me but I don't know if that was true. I never had any contact with them.
I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, please share it! tia.

FreeSpirit89 Fri 21-Nov-14 19:38:34

What's the harm in sending a polite message maybe tearing the water before bringing it up to DS? X

Quitelikely Fri 21-Nov-14 19:45:27

I think you need to be v v careful here. Your son is at an age where I would be very cautious about introducing something like this into his life.

I think I would wait until he was 18 and over the worst of his hormones

Quitelikely Fri 21-Nov-14 19:46:17

And the fact he hasn't asked about it speaks volumes to me

Doubtfuldaphne Fri 21-Nov-14 19:47:34

Thats a very good point. I'm sure theyll still be on facebook in a few years time. If not though, I would have no way of getting in touch with them.
I do think you're right, waiting until he's 18 might be much more sensible.

mummytime Fri 21-Nov-14 19:59:39

I didn't see my father after I was 2. I never asked many questions. To be honest I'm not sure I want to know, I would be worried about what I might find out.

I might tell him you have Facebook stalked the family, but leave it up to him before you make contact. Not everyone really wants to know about their family.

Doubtfuldaphne Fri 21-Nov-14 20:02:12

I'm still thinking I should leave it until ds is 18! it might turn his world upside down and he is at the age when his hormones are all over the place.

Flimflammer Fri 21-Nov-14 20:03:59

Leave it for your son to contact them if and when he wants to.

Out of curiosity, was there a reason you didn't respond to their attempts to track you down years ago?

YellowTulips Fri 21-Nov-14 20:46:47

I think I'd cut to the chase with my son.

At 15 he's probably mature enough to discuss this.

I think it's his call to make and you need to tell him that you support whatever call he wants to make.

InThisTogether Fri 21-Nov-14 21:48:24

A very close friend of mine has recently got in contact with her father for the first time in her life (she is 30) and she has always wanted to find him, but never mentioned it to her mum as she didn't want to upset her. Her mum never discussed him, so my friend never asked, but she told me that she thought about him every day.

I'm not sure what you should do but I would be wary of thinking that out of sight is out of mind...

Good luck OP!

Doubtfuldaphne Fri 21-Nov-14 22:14:45

Oh gosh its such a tough one isnt it. It's a shame that although we're close I can't just ask him if he'd like to know more about his biological fathers family. He might feel the same towards me too.
My son doesn't know their surname or anything at all so he wouldn't be able to track them down without my help.
I wasn't sure if it was true that they were trying to trace me all those years ago as someone said they'd seen it in the paper when an article had been written about ds's dad. I phoned the paper and they had no idea/couldn't be bothered to find out so I just left it. Now that facebook has come along its suddenly very easy to just find someone.

Aussiebean Fri 21-Nov-14 22:46:59

Why not just say to him in passing

' i was in a store and the person had a similar name to your df. It got me thinking about him. If you ever have questions or want to search his family out, just let me know and we can do it together. If not, that is fine too. Up to you'

NanaNina Fri 21-Nov-14 22:58:50

I really don't think you should do anything on FB........and that it would be very unwise to make any precipitous moves. I think you should certainly discuss it with your DH - and I wouldn't do anything before Christmas - I say this as I think Christmas tends to heighten people's emotions and it can be a stressful time.

It is a bit strange that you've never talked to your son about his father and that he has never asked. It's usually best to tell children the truth about their origins when they're young, so they grow up knowing the facts. Does he know his father is dead I wonder. I think you need to tread very carefully with your son and maybe ask him if he ever wonders about his father and now that he's getting older, you wondered if he needed to know anything about him - do you have any photographs of him if your son did show any interest.

I am a retired social worker and worked with adoptees who were trying to trace birthparents and if they were successful it sometimes turned out to be positive, but many times, this was not the case and caused upset for the adoptee and probably for the birthmother too. You are quite right to wonder if this family will want a r/ship with your son that he finds too much (15 is a very sensitive age when kids can be very self conscious) - it's a step into the unknown and I advise caution..............

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